Give till it hurts - and then we'll have a party!
At what point did I become this curmudgeonly old lady? And how did I not notice it was happening? Granted, I've always been somewhat of an asshole, but I've always tried to be fair and objective and not get upset if other people are having fun in a way that annoys me (i.e. drunk people screaming down the streets, super loud video games, people yelling at the television during sporting events [which I am now guilty of]). If people are really into baskets or those god awful quilted purses and want to chatter away at one another about them, that's perfectly fine. So what if people at work seem to really like ice. I like ice just fine but I don't get upset and bring it in if the ice maker doesn't work. But meh, so what. Peeps like it. Not everyone likes the things I like and that's cool. It's the differences that make us the same as they used to say when I was in elementary school. What they really meant was "nobody is identical in tastes all the time and that is fine; just mind your own fucking business unless someone is actively harming themselves or others. And if you don't like mother fucking ice, don't use any."
But my god, with the fucking baby showers, wedding showers, volunteering events, raffles, auctions, bake sales, sundae sales, pot lucks, the whole bit. When does that shit fucking stop? OK, yes, I'm in charge of one of the volunteer events right now because I wanted to do something to help out my girl with the ailing husband. But for one thing, I farm out the responsibility because I suck at and dislike being in charge of this sort of thing, and I try my best to let everyone on the committee know that we are going to be unobtrusive about it as much as possible. Limited emails sent out to the distribution, no solicitation for extra food stuffs, no request for volunteers to do anything. I know the office is burned out because I am burned out. So after this, I'm done.
It just seems like every fuck day there is something going on, something we need to celebrate and use our lunch hours on. And I just feel like saying "fuck no" whenever someone asks if I'm going to participate. "Fuck no I'm not making something for the pot luck." "Fuck no I'm not donating to a gift card at Baby Gap." "Fuck no I don't want to chair a committee." I just want to sit in my cubicle, do my work, fuck around on instant messenger, and read some stuff on line when I need to uncross my eyes.
Is it annoying to receive so many emails that aren't work related? Kind of. Is it that difficult to just delete them? Not at all. Am I tired of all the flyers and shit all over the common areas? Yes - but didn't I just say that I want to stay in my cubicle? So what's with this attitude? Is it that I don't like the super cheery and upbeat people who are heavily involved in these things? Well, it isn't that I don't like them per se, but I think I've had it with the hyper optimistic, let's all be extremely chipper, can do demeanor. Sometimes I want to say to people "certain aspects of your life suck right now - calm down and show less affect!" And can we quit congratulating one another? Half the time you know what? No, Suzy Que did not do a stellar job on the event. Half the time Suzy Que fucked up some things but they were taken care of by other people. And even if Suzy Que and Siman Says did do a great job, why must we all pat them on the backs when they are supposedly doing it for charitable or altruistic reasons? I get it, we are all wonderful children of a loving god who watches over us and sees each of our individual moves at every moment and glory be unto him that we are so fucking awesome*. But enough already!
*Obviously I'm being sarcastic but the main participants do happen to be avid church goers and one emailed the entire office and ended it with "God Bless" once.
Pinata
Things are happening in my life right now that I don't like thinking about or focusing on. My personal life is a bizarre mixture of hide and seek, a staring contest, and an acid trip (sans the acid). My professional life feels like a gaping wound or a hangnail that I continue worrying whilst forgetting to actually take care of it. My social life is mixed up and off balance, my having a ball on the weekends going out like the young people do but neglecting, during the week, other social obligations like letter writing, keeping in touch, maintaining newborn relationships. I feel like I'm in a constant state of flux or else suspended animation and I have a feeling that makes absolutely no sense. But that's OK because it doesn't need to.
I'm still not feeling much on an emotional level. I still grieve every day over my marriage and J. But I also know more and more that this had to happen and that it really is better that it happened now rather than later. I was looking at my stats, as we narcissists are prone to do from time to time, and I saw that my open letter to J was a popular post. So I emailed him and just said that I know this is hard and that I won't push him on the paperwork and I won't make things difficult for him and I hoped he'd read that post because I meant every word of it. I never heard back. I don't take it personally because I know he'll respond if and when he wants to. But I also fear that he doesn't really understand that it is truly over between us and so I'm conflicted, wanting to not push him and let him go at his own pace with regards to the formality of divorce whilst also wanting to ask him if he knows its over and make sure he isn't holding onto false hope. Either way I feel like a total bitch, heartless, self centered, and only worried about myself.
It's kind of like my theory that I can cope with things better when they happen to me because I know what I'm feeling and I know what I'm thinking. When it was J, I always feared he hurt worse than he'd admit or that he was more scared than he'd admit or that he just wasn't as OK as he tried to seem. I know he is sad about our marriage ending but I don't know all that he feels and, quite frankly, I don't think I have any right to them. But it's the control freak in me that wants to swoop down on him, spy into his mind, and then somehow, magically, make everything OK for him. I can't of course, and I'll just have to suck it up. He can take care of himself, even if I don't necessarily trust that he will. He's a grown up, accomplished, intelligent, responsible, logical, and capable. He doesn't need me to mother him or worry over him incessantly. He probably needs me to back off and wait for him to contact me now that I think about it. The last time I texted him I didn't hear back and so that is the only reason not hearing back from him regarding the email kind of has me spooked. But I need to back off and just give him space and time. I need to let go for fuck's sake.
So that is what I'll do. Thanks, internet! Typing into this big black hole actually helped me figure something out for once.
At what point did I become this curmudgeonly old lady? And how did I not notice it was happening? Granted, I've always been somewhat of an asshole, but I've always tried to be fair and objective and not get upset if other people are having fun in a way that annoys me (i.e. drunk people screaming down the streets, super loud video games, people yelling at the television during sporting events [which I am now guilty of]). If people are really into baskets or those god awful quilted purses and want to chatter away at one another about them, that's perfectly fine. So what if people at work seem to really like ice. I like ice just fine but I don't get upset and bring it in if the ice maker doesn't work. But meh, so what. Peeps like it. Not everyone likes the things I like and that's cool. It's the differences that make us the same as they used to say when I was in elementary school. What they really meant was "nobody is identical in tastes all the time and that is fine; just mind your own fucking business unless someone is actively harming themselves or others. And if you don't like mother fucking ice, don't use any."
But my god, with the fucking baby showers, wedding showers, volunteering events, raffles, auctions, bake sales, sundae sales, pot lucks, the whole bit. When does that shit fucking stop? OK, yes, I'm in charge of one of the volunteer events right now because I wanted to do something to help out my girl with the ailing husband. But for one thing, I farm out the responsibility because I suck at and dislike being in charge of this sort of thing, and I try my best to let everyone on the committee know that we are going to be unobtrusive about it as much as possible. Limited emails sent out to the distribution, no solicitation for extra food stuffs, no request for volunteers to do anything. I know the office is burned out because I am burned out. So after this, I'm done.
It just seems like every fuck day there is something going on, something we need to celebrate and use our lunch hours on. And I just feel like saying "fuck no" whenever someone asks if I'm going to participate. "Fuck no I'm not making something for the pot luck." "Fuck no I'm not donating to a gift card at Baby Gap." "Fuck no I don't want to chair a committee." I just want to sit in my cubicle, do my work, fuck around on instant messenger, and read some stuff on line when I need to uncross my eyes.
Is it annoying to receive so many emails that aren't work related? Kind of. Is it that difficult to just delete them? Not at all. Am I tired of all the flyers and shit all over the common areas? Yes - but didn't I just say that I want to stay in my cubicle? So what's with this attitude? Is it that I don't like the super cheery and upbeat people who are heavily involved in these things? Well, it isn't that I don't like them per se, but I think I've had it with the hyper optimistic, let's all be extremely chipper, can do demeanor. Sometimes I want to say to people "certain aspects of your life suck right now - calm down and show less affect!" And can we quit congratulating one another? Half the time you know what? No, Suzy Que did not do a stellar job on the event. Half the time Suzy Que fucked up some things but they were taken care of by other people. And even if Suzy Que and Siman Says did do a great job, why must we all pat them on the backs when they are supposedly doing it for charitable or altruistic reasons? I get it, we are all wonderful children of a loving god who watches over us and sees each of our individual moves at every moment and glory be unto him that we are so fucking awesome*. But enough already!
*Obviously I'm being sarcastic but the main participants do happen to be avid church goers and one emailed the entire office and ended it with "God Bless" once.
Pinata
Things are happening in my life right now that I don't like thinking about or focusing on. My personal life is a bizarre mixture of hide and seek, a staring contest, and an acid trip (sans the acid). My professional life feels like a gaping wound or a hangnail that I continue worrying whilst forgetting to actually take care of it. My social life is mixed up and off balance, my having a ball on the weekends going out like the young people do but neglecting, during the week, other social obligations like letter writing, keeping in touch, maintaining newborn relationships. I feel like I'm in a constant state of flux or else suspended animation and I have a feeling that makes absolutely no sense. But that's OK because it doesn't need to.
I'm still not feeling much on an emotional level. I still grieve every day over my marriage and J. But I also know more and more that this had to happen and that it really is better that it happened now rather than later. I was looking at my stats, as we narcissists are prone to do from time to time, and I saw that my open letter to J was a popular post. So I emailed him and just said that I know this is hard and that I won't push him on the paperwork and I won't make things difficult for him and I hoped he'd read that post because I meant every word of it. I never heard back. I don't take it personally because I know he'll respond if and when he wants to. But I also fear that he doesn't really understand that it is truly over between us and so I'm conflicted, wanting to not push him and let him go at his own pace with regards to the formality of divorce whilst also wanting to ask him if he knows its over and make sure he isn't holding onto false hope. Either way I feel like a total bitch, heartless, self centered, and only worried about myself.
It's kind of like my theory that I can cope with things better when they happen to me because I know what I'm feeling and I know what I'm thinking. When it was J, I always feared he hurt worse than he'd admit or that he was more scared than he'd admit or that he just wasn't as OK as he tried to seem. I know he is sad about our marriage ending but I don't know all that he feels and, quite frankly, I don't think I have any right to them. But it's the control freak in me that wants to swoop down on him, spy into his mind, and then somehow, magically, make everything OK for him. I can't of course, and I'll just have to suck it up. He can take care of himself, even if I don't necessarily trust that he will. He's a grown up, accomplished, intelligent, responsible, logical, and capable. He doesn't need me to mother him or worry over him incessantly. He probably needs me to back off and wait for him to contact me now that I think about it. The last time I texted him I didn't hear back and so that is the only reason not hearing back from him regarding the email kind of has me spooked. But I need to back off and just give him space and time. I need to let go for fuck's sake.
So that is what I'll do. Thanks, internet! Typing into this big black hole actually helped me figure something out for once.
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