None of this makes sense to me. I don't understand how these cliches can hurt so bad. I don't understand why I'm weeping on my way home from work when not only have we been separated for two months (2 1/2) but I'm the one who initiated it. And I don't understand why I feel as guilty as I do.
This wasn't supposed to happen to me and J - that's a cliche that I now understand. I think that's why I've been such a basket case since we spoke yesterday, because I'm mourning our relationship, our younger selves.
And I feel so fucking guilty, so guilty you'd think I'd cheated on him or something, which I never did and would never do. I just think about him and how worried I am. Is he going to take care of himself? Does he understand that there are other people out there who will be nice to him, that it wasn't just some special quality of mine? Is he going to be OK? I feel this huge weight of responsibility around my neck because I don't know the answers and I really just want him to be OK.
I looked into it, how to go through the dissolution process. I emailed him this morning to tell him I'd figured it out but that I couldn't do it right away, that I'm too emotionally fragile just now. But all day I've been thinking about whether or not I should just take care of it, rip it off like a band-aid. Would he understand that? It isn't that I can't wait to be divorced; it's just that I can't stand the limbo and the looming inevitability.
How many more times is my heart going to break?
This wasn't supposed to happen to me and J - that's a cliche that I now understand. I think that's why I've been such a basket case since we spoke yesterday, because I'm mourning our relationship, our younger selves.
And I feel so fucking guilty, so guilty you'd think I'd cheated on him or something, which I never did and would never do. I just think about him and how worried I am. Is he going to take care of himself? Does he understand that there are other people out there who will be nice to him, that it wasn't just some special quality of mine? Is he going to be OK? I feel this huge weight of responsibility around my neck because I don't know the answers and I really just want him to be OK.
I looked into it, how to go through the dissolution process. I emailed him this morning to tell him I'd figured it out but that I couldn't do it right away, that I'm too emotionally fragile just now. But all day I've been thinking about whether or not I should just take care of it, rip it off like a band-aid. Would he understand that? It isn't that I can't wait to be divorced; it's just that I can't stand the limbo and the looming inevitability.
How many more times is my heart going to break?
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