I'm not sure because I don't know if that is the right word. I am not fond of myself, not my biggest fan. That is the most euphemistically I can put it. As I've told certain friends, there is no one I despise so much as myself. I don't think it is a self-esteem thing so much as I-am-stuck-in-my-head-and-know-myself-so-well thing. And I'm miserable a lot of the time, most of the time, for stupid reasons.
But I love life. I fucking love it. When my sister-in-law's cancer came back in February, I went through a lot of emotions. I was devastated on her behalf because she'd gone through so much. I was broken because it wasn't fair, not for this girl to go through this. And, selfishly, I thought about leaving this world at such a young age when this world is so beautiful.
Kin Twin is on vacation and when he told me about three things he thought about doing today, I pushed him towards the two very outdoorsy ones because of the pictures I saw. Rolling fields, beautiful flowers, idyllic settings. It was like a dream, those verdant fields and fragrant blooms with the promise of a small cottage tucked away in back in which to live. I love all of that, I dream of it, fantasize about living in a different world where I'm in Winterthur and have beautiful gardens in which to roam.
And I love my little home, my apartment in this complex in which I've made friends, both within the building and in the community. I've grown accustomed to hearing the diesel engines of the buses that run all night in the winter, the sound of helicopters taking patients to the hospital down the street, even the sound of the airplanes that are close enough to sound loud because the airport is only a few miles away. I know the bricks of my building, the shade of green on the doors, the smell of the laundry facilities. I know my home, I know my guinea pig. I know it all.
And I wouldn't want to say goodbye. Not now, not ever, but especially, not yet.
And I know that I'm being dramatic. I've had my blood tested so many times over the years, so many times in the last few months. There is no way this can be anything but a fluke, a lab mix up. There is no way my red blood cells could have dropped so dramatically since August.
But it is enough to make me pause, fear, and hope.
But I love life. I fucking love it. When my sister-in-law's cancer came back in February, I went through a lot of emotions. I was devastated on her behalf because she'd gone through so much. I was broken because it wasn't fair, not for this girl to go through this. And, selfishly, I thought about leaving this world at such a young age when this world is so beautiful.
Kin Twin is on vacation and when he told me about three things he thought about doing today, I pushed him towards the two very outdoorsy ones because of the pictures I saw. Rolling fields, beautiful flowers, idyllic settings. It was like a dream, those verdant fields and fragrant blooms with the promise of a small cottage tucked away in back in which to live. I love all of that, I dream of it, fantasize about living in a different world where I'm in Winterthur and have beautiful gardens in which to roam.
And I love my little home, my apartment in this complex in which I've made friends, both within the building and in the community. I've grown accustomed to hearing the diesel engines of the buses that run all night in the winter, the sound of helicopters taking patients to the hospital down the street, even the sound of the airplanes that are close enough to sound loud because the airport is only a few miles away. I know the bricks of my building, the shade of green on the doors, the smell of the laundry facilities. I know my home, I know my guinea pig. I know it all.
And I wouldn't want to say goodbye. Not now, not ever, but especially, not yet.
And I know that I'm being dramatic. I've had my blood tested so many times over the years, so many times in the last few months. There is no way this can be anything but a fluke, a lab mix up. There is no way my red blood cells could have dropped so dramatically since August.
But it is enough to make me pause, fear, and hope.
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