I have been weirdly emotional for the past few weeks. I feel a tremendous about of guilt for feeling like I'm over J so quickly but yet I am weepy and moved to tears very easily. I feel fine but I'm all fucked up. It doesn't make sense.
Yesterday, I started to really miss my older brother in a major way. Not my brother who moved to the UAE, but my other brother, the one I haven't spoken to in a real way for maybe ten or twelve years, the brother who was never really that much my friend. I don't know why, but I missed the hell out of him so tried to call him. He was working so I spoke with his wife, my ever indomitable sister-in-law, who probably regretted picking up the phone seeing as I dissolved into little pieces and puddles. I just wanted to hear his voice.
And I think I do know why I missed him. S is a person from my past. We grew up together and lived under the same roof for eighteen years. We lost our father, experienced pretty poor times, went on family vacations, bickered, fought, and occasionally laughed together. I haven't seen him since our middle brother got married. We don't keep in touch, at all. But we still exist. S is from my past, which is over and done, which makes it safe. S is my history and the certainty that goes along with knowing what happened and how it turned out.
And I just craved that last night. I received notification from my physician's office that my iron stores are low and so that is why my blood count was screwy. Anemia, take iron, no big deal. I was relieved, obviously, but it still triggered something in me that caused me to flip the fuck out. The future is uncertain and unknown and it terrifies me. I don't know what is going to happen with my disease. I don't know what is going to happen with my marriage. My follow up appointment looms ahead of me and J is constantly on my mind, his absence and my silence gaping like a cavern just in view. I can see it, I know it is there, but I'm trying my hardest to stay still and not take even one step forward because I don't think I can handle the depth of that cavern.
I never appreciated how awesome the past really is, the fact that it is over. It's like finishing a suspenseful novel or movie and feeling a sense of relief when it is done and you know what happened. I think I view S as a reminder that things have been awful before and that we have both gotten through it. Like I said, our father died and we saw tough times. But we got through it and we both saw our own personal shitty times later in life. His wife had part of her leg amputated due to cancer for fuck's sake. And that is still going on. She is doing well but it is never over. This too shall pass and no matter hard it gets and no matter how painful, I'll deal with it. What other choice do I have?
I need to just suck it up now. I need to just remind myself that getting hysterical isn't going to help anything. Yes, talking to my extremely kind neighbor last night, crying and being allowed to just get it out, was nice and helpful, but I need to get my shit together. The diagnosis was made in June - it isn't going to change so I need to just fucking deal with it. The separation... well, that I don't know about. But I need to remember that I do have a life and that I should probably live it, not just cry and hide.
And, most importantly, I need to do these things that I tell myself, not just write them down.
Yesterday, I started to really miss my older brother in a major way. Not my brother who moved to the UAE, but my other brother, the one I haven't spoken to in a real way for maybe ten or twelve years, the brother who was never really that much my friend. I don't know why, but I missed the hell out of him so tried to call him. He was working so I spoke with his wife, my ever indomitable sister-in-law, who probably regretted picking up the phone seeing as I dissolved into little pieces and puddles. I just wanted to hear his voice.
And I think I do know why I missed him. S is a person from my past. We grew up together and lived under the same roof for eighteen years. We lost our father, experienced pretty poor times, went on family vacations, bickered, fought, and occasionally laughed together. I haven't seen him since our middle brother got married. We don't keep in touch, at all. But we still exist. S is from my past, which is over and done, which makes it safe. S is my history and the certainty that goes along with knowing what happened and how it turned out.
And I just craved that last night. I received notification from my physician's office that my iron stores are low and so that is why my blood count was screwy. Anemia, take iron, no big deal. I was relieved, obviously, but it still triggered something in me that caused me to flip the fuck out. The future is uncertain and unknown and it terrifies me. I don't know what is going to happen with my disease. I don't know what is going to happen with my marriage. My follow up appointment looms ahead of me and J is constantly on my mind, his absence and my silence gaping like a cavern just in view. I can see it, I know it is there, but I'm trying my hardest to stay still and not take even one step forward because I don't think I can handle the depth of that cavern.
I never appreciated how awesome the past really is, the fact that it is over. It's like finishing a suspenseful novel or movie and feeling a sense of relief when it is done and you know what happened. I think I view S as a reminder that things have been awful before and that we have both gotten through it. Like I said, our father died and we saw tough times. But we got through it and we both saw our own personal shitty times later in life. His wife had part of her leg amputated due to cancer for fuck's sake. And that is still going on. She is doing well but it is never over. This too shall pass and no matter hard it gets and no matter how painful, I'll deal with it. What other choice do I have?
I need to just suck it up now. I need to just remind myself that getting hysterical isn't going to help anything. Yes, talking to my extremely kind neighbor last night, crying and being allowed to just get it out, was nice and helpful, but I need to get my shit together. The diagnosis was made in June - it isn't going to change so I need to just fucking deal with it. The separation... well, that I don't know about. But I need to remember that I do have a life and that I should probably live it, not just cry and hide.
And, most importantly, I need to do these things that I tell myself, not just write them down.
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