Here I was beginning to feel like an adult. I've started making small forays into cooking again. I've gotten better about picking up after myself and keeping my home clean. I'm getting better about remembering what is important and not getting too worked up over things out of my control. I started to feel confident and capable and responsible.
And then I sat down to sort out my finances and panicked. I don't often have this wish, but for a moment, I literally thought "I wish my father were alive, that he was super rich, and that he doted on me." That is my reaction to knowing that I have no money and a lot of bills, that is my solution: fairy godfather.
I hate being poor. I don't have to worry about living in my car or anything, but I do have to monitor my account and worry about overdrafts on a more routine basis than is healthy. And I have to pay bills for mistakes I've made, which is like having someone slap me and call me stupid once a month. My credit card payment is way too high (and those bastards emailed me and wrote me to inform me that I have Even! More! Credit!), I'll be paying my student loans off until I'm dead (at which point they will forgive the debt; I know because I asked), and I'm at the point where I have to make some decisions. I'm going to cancel my gym membership because it is really a luxury that I can't afford right now. I may change my cable set up so that I have fewer channels and a lower bill. Tomorrow I may talk to my doctor about changing my anti depressant to something that is a tier one drug on my health insurance so that I can have a lower copay.
The business of MS kills me because it is so expensive. Is that not the most vapid and ridiculous comment ever? I don't even mean that. What kills me about MS is that I have it, it is presently incurable, and one day I may lose function. But for the purpose of this post, it is the expense. I wrote out my expenses, things like rent and utilities, credit card bills, car insurance, etc. Then I remembered prescription costs and office visits. Tomorrow is $25 because I'm seeing my PCP. October 14 is $35 because it is a specialist. My prescriptions currently cost me about $45 a month. If I continue taking Provigil (which I won't if I don't need it), it will be $95 a month. Once I start treatment, I'll begin taking a drug that is either $30 or $50 a month, so my costs will go to $125 - $145 a month.
I'm OK with eating Ramen. I don't buy a lot of *stuff* so I won't have shopping withdrawal. But I do need to start clipping coupons and thinking about my grocery store trips so that I don't go every day and buy shit I don't need. I need to pay attention to how much things cost at different pet stores so that I can make sure I'm not spending too much on Johan when I could be saving. Poor Johan. I have to buy him food today.
I think I'll be OK. I used to be really good with money and now that I've made myself face up to it and see my circumstances, I'll probably get back to being fiscally responsible and truly start taking care of myself. But it is going to be difficult and I'm going to be scared for awhile. But I guess that is part of growing up, right?
And then I sat down to sort out my finances and panicked. I don't often have this wish, but for a moment, I literally thought "I wish my father were alive, that he was super rich, and that he doted on me." That is my reaction to knowing that I have no money and a lot of bills, that is my solution: fairy godfather.
I hate being poor. I don't have to worry about living in my car or anything, but I do have to monitor my account and worry about overdrafts on a more routine basis than is healthy. And I have to pay bills for mistakes I've made, which is like having someone slap me and call me stupid once a month. My credit card payment is way too high (and those bastards emailed me and wrote me to inform me that I have Even! More! Credit!), I'll be paying my student loans off until I'm dead (at which point they will forgive the debt; I know because I asked), and I'm at the point where I have to make some decisions. I'm going to cancel my gym membership because it is really a luxury that I can't afford right now. I may change my cable set up so that I have fewer channels and a lower bill. Tomorrow I may talk to my doctor about changing my anti depressant to something that is a tier one drug on my health insurance so that I can have a lower copay.
The business of MS kills me because it is so expensive. Is that not the most vapid and ridiculous comment ever? I don't even mean that. What kills me about MS is that I have it, it is presently incurable, and one day I may lose function. But for the purpose of this post, it is the expense. I wrote out my expenses, things like rent and utilities, credit card bills, car insurance, etc. Then I remembered prescription costs and office visits. Tomorrow is $25 because I'm seeing my PCP. October 14 is $35 because it is a specialist. My prescriptions currently cost me about $45 a month. If I continue taking Provigil (which I won't if I don't need it), it will be $95 a month. Once I start treatment, I'll begin taking a drug that is either $30 or $50 a month, so my costs will go to $125 - $145 a month.
I'm OK with eating Ramen. I don't buy a lot of *stuff* so I won't have shopping withdrawal. But I do need to start clipping coupons and thinking about my grocery store trips so that I don't go every day and buy shit I don't need. I need to pay attention to how much things cost at different pet stores so that I can make sure I'm not spending too much on Johan when I could be saving. Poor Johan. I have to buy him food today.
I think I'll be OK. I used to be really good with money and now that I've made myself face up to it and see my circumstances, I'll probably get back to being fiscally responsible and truly start taking care of myself. But it is going to be difficult and I'm going to be scared for awhile. But I guess that is part of growing up, right?
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