Dear Oddly Hairless Bipedal Mammal:
What. The. Fuck. OK. I've lived here a long time. You don't allow me a calendar but I know it has been ages. So why do you have such a large head and such a small brain that you can 'own' me and not understand? Every fucking morning, EVERY fucking morning, once you are on my radar, I let you know that I'm here and that I have needs. You keep me in a mother fucking cage, bitch! How can I meet my needs without you?! I need hay. I need that shit like you need those bottles of wine I see you drink. So give it to me.
Without fail, here is how it works out. You stumble out of your pigloo (I assume that is where you sleep because that is where I do), I yell at you to not forget about me. You turn on that weird noise box so you can here NPR tell you about traffic and weather. I scream and scream and you say "just a minute buddy", like I'm your fucking friend. Then you give me that half hearted handfull of hay, not caring if there is even a single puffy grass top in the mix. Then you go about what it is your people do. Before you leave, I yell again to let you know that you have not met my needs properly and you have the fucking audacity to say such things as "yes buddy, I know, but I have to go to work to keep you in hay." As IF you keep me in hay!? That shit is scarce as I have to rely on your meager handfulls.
Oh, OH! And then you leave me for FUCKING hours! I spend ALL day alone, with my thoughts, my water bottle, and my own shit. And you have the balls to walk in, whilst I'm screaming for attention, and you say "I'll be with you in a minute. Just let me pee." Bitch, I pee next to my food dish! You can't help a brother out before you pee next to your own? "Here you go buddy. Who's a good boy? Are you a good boy? No you're not!" That is what you say to me every mother fucking day. Well you know what? I am a good mother fucking boy! I'm a very good boy. You just don't see it because you disappear for hours on end.
So fuck you, weird, hairless, bipedal mammal. This shit is on you now.
What. The. Fuck. OK. I've lived here a long time. You don't allow me a calendar but I know it has been ages. So why do you have such a large head and such a small brain that you can 'own' me and not understand? Every fucking morning, EVERY fucking morning, once you are on my radar, I let you know that I'm here and that I have needs. You keep me in a mother fucking cage, bitch! How can I meet my needs without you?! I need hay. I need that shit like you need those bottles of wine I see you drink. So give it to me.
Without fail, here is how it works out. You stumble out of your pigloo (I assume that is where you sleep because that is where I do), I yell at you to not forget about me. You turn on that weird noise box so you can here NPR tell you about traffic and weather. I scream and scream and you say "just a minute buddy", like I'm your fucking friend. Then you give me that half hearted handfull of hay, not caring if there is even a single puffy grass top in the mix. Then you go about what it is your people do. Before you leave, I yell again to let you know that you have not met my needs properly and you have the fucking audacity to say such things as "yes buddy, I know, but I have to go to work to keep you in hay." As IF you keep me in hay!? That shit is scarce as I have to rely on your meager handfulls.
Oh, OH! And then you leave me for FUCKING hours! I spend ALL day alone, with my thoughts, my water bottle, and my own shit. And you have the balls to walk in, whilst I'm screaming for attention, and you say "I'll be with you in a minute. Just let me pee." Bitch, I pee next to my food dish! You can't help a brother out before you pee next to your own? "Here you go buddy. Who's a good boy? Are you a good boy? No you're not!" That is what you say to me every mother fucking day. Well you know what? I am a good mother fucking boy! I'm a very good boy. You just don't see it because you disappear for hours on end.
So fuck you, weird, hairless, bipedal mammal. This shit is on you now.
You have an oddly hairless bipedal mammal as a pet??? You should post a pic - it might go viral.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, my anonymous commenter is a lazy reader. Johan refers to be as oddly hairless as he is covered in fur and the most he can see is the hair on my head.
ReplyDeleteJohan refers to be as oddly hairless .... huh .... the b and m keys are far apart dont u thank
ReplyDeleteWell played.
ReplyDelete