Hold On

I feel very small tonight. Not in that way where you finally fit into a pair of jeans you haven't worn in ten years, which would be awesome and, if that were the case, I'd be ecstatically posting pictures of myself. No, I feel small in a helpless and weak way. Work is finally getting to a point where I'm questioning myself as to whether or not I can do it any longer, this particular work. If I had more hours, yes, definitely, I could. But I'm an hourly employee with only forty hours allotted to me and that just isn't enough.

I found out that after I left a departmental meeting, a few colleagues started bitching about me. I found this out from a medical director who told me that he stopped them and basically said "look, cut her a break, she spent two hours with the XXXXX project trying to get them set up and none of you had to do that. She's working her ass off and doing the best she can." It wouldn't have stung so much if the department were not the one I'd worked in for three years, the department I worked my tail off for and the one I'd still open a vein for. It would not have hurt so much if it wasn't for the fact that the medical director, a part time employee, understood that I'm working on a number of contracts and doing my best when full time employees devoted to one project are oblivious.

We'll say that I work on A, B, C, and D. If I talk to anyone from A, I'm only going to talk about A work and not mention anything about the others, just like I'm not going to talk about D with project B. When I talk to you, I'm going to be talking to you about your project, your needs, and what you want and need from me. That's what's relevant to you and your employees. I will never bring in anything else because you have enough to focus on without worrying about my work load. But just because I don't say anything about the other projects, don't assume I only work for you unless I report to you.

I feel small because I feel like I'm falling further and further into the rabbit hole and I see no place to grab hold. I either need more time or else more help. But there is very little that I can farm out considering that I've been the only one who does my job for the past three plus years. And what I do is very detail oriented and you put a control freak in the driver's seat. If you force me, then yes, I will delegate certain tasks, but only if you are willing to accept responsibility for the performance of others. I'm not. I can't. I've said it before, I'd be a terrible manager because I'd be a micromanager. I had help with this project once, a huge and important project and I checked the work of every single file because I knew and understand and appreciated that the bottom line rested with me. I was willing to put in the time because it mattered to me, I wanted our company to do well, and I could not trust that others knew what to do after I explained it for thirty minutes when I'd been doing it for a year and a half. We succeeded. It was worthwhile. But if you want me to delegate because you think my position doesn't merit salary, don't expect me to be responsible for the end product that is completed by someone else.

I'm torn because one part of me thinks I should just put in extra hours and not charge for the time because I want my projects, divisions, and company to do well. The other part thinks fuck that, why should I put in time and not get paid for it when I'm hourly and deserve overtime. Another part of me knows that I need to let it go. Maybe if I had a better manager, one who knew what was going on and knew what management meant, I'd be better able to leave this shit at the office. But all I have is what i have now, what I know now. And so I have to work with it.

As always, I know how fortunate I am to have this complaint because it is the complaint of a full time employee who is able to cover the cost of living. I know that in my society, this is to be cherished and to be grateful for. And I am. But I can't lie and pretend that there isn't a great deal of stress that goes along with it. It's like telling a teacher who is being funded less and less and being demanded of more and more that she should quit her bitching and just be grateful. Perhaps it is a weird sort of survivor guilt. I know I'm lucky and I don't know why I've been one to be so, but I still face challenges. Frankly, I should just be unabashed about my complaints and think in some sort of entitled way, but I don't. I know I'm lucky. I know I'm stressed out. I know that I feel guilty for being anything less than exuberant about my current life situation.

But there it is, the present American Experience. it is what it is. And as sick as I feel right now, I know I wouldn't trade it.