Yesterday saw me back in the ER due to ongoing blurry vision in my right eye. Diagnosis? We don't know. Of course we don't. Well, I found out that my test results from Saturday were all clear so that is a good thing. After performing a fundoscopic exam and doing some blood tests, I was referred to an ophthalmologist who I will see at 2:15 this afternoon. I'm glad I can see him today because, for some reason, I'd prefer to shell out more money and not get answers immediately rather than having to wait. I don't see the neurologist again until next Tuesday, when we will discuss the results of my MRI with MRA that is scheduled for Thursday. And if I still don't have answers I think I'll just stop caring because it is getting harder and harder to remain upbeat. There are only so many tests that can be done and after the MRI/MRA, I think I may have exhausted them. And while my head/neck pain have improved dramatically (just flashes of intense pain when I turn my head to the left or right), I must admit that it is scary as all fuck to have my right eye blurry. I can still read, obviously, and it isn't painful, but I've always been terrified of losing my vision because of how important reading has always been to me. Before I was diagnosed with wicked kerititis some years ago, I made J promise he would read aloud to me if I went blind. Sounds funny, I know, but when you read as much as I do and have such poor vision (20/400), the idea of not being able to see at all is terrifying (well, I suppose that idea would be terrifying for anyone who thought about it; if you have shitty vision as do I, you might just think about it more).
Moments like these make me grateful that my mother never calls me, just e-mails me. I'm tired of talking about whatever this is and just e-mailing a few people at work this morning has been enough to set me off. I don't think I'm sad or even that scared, but I am frustrated beyond belief and my reaction to any intense feeling is to cry (which is super embarrassing). But with my mother it is worse because she assumes things are worse than they are and is naggy about it. I called her this weekend to tell her that I wasn't in excruciating pain because she seemed to think otherwise. I then suggested that maybe she should text my eldest brother one last time to let him know she cares and wants to know what is going on with SIL but that she isn't going to keep calling him every day. Because god damn, the poor guy is dealing with his wife being part of a grueling clinical trial and that has got to be hard enough without having your mother call and say "how is she? is she miserable" every fucking minute. But I just get the e-mails so don't have to deal with it immediately and can put it off.
And now, back to stupid work that I have to do from stupid home. Today I get to tackle a back log of voice mails that I've put off returning all because I hate being on the phone and I still get nervous when I have to talk to physicians. But I suppose it will be good to take my mind off of the mystery that is currently me.
*Updated*
So much for a same day appointment. Who was I kidding anyway? But I have the ophthalmology appointment at 9:30 tomorrow morning and it will evidently take 90 minutes. Weird. On top of that, the MRI people called because they were concerned about the fact that they had me coming in at 12:45 and the prescription had my appointment down as 2:30. So after scaring me and making me think "oh shit! please don't make me reschedule this for another day! the only definitive thing I've been told is to definitely keep this appointment", it was determined that I would just come in at 12:45 and forget about a later in the day appointment. Nothing like crying a little at your desk to make you feel like a professional!
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