I'm not supposed to be doing this. Yesterday, after a failed run on the treadmill, I gave myself that night to wallow and fret with the understanding that I would take the next four days off from worrying, wondering, thinking, and talking about this mysterious ailment. Why? Well, because my run was a fail. I had run a scheduled 2 miles on Tuesday but on Thursday I only managed 2.25 before having to break for a walk. I walked .25 miles and then tried more but stopped after .1 because I felt tired and weak. My boss and others have said it was the Valium and I'll try again tomorrow but no matter what the cause, I was upset. I felt this was really intruding on my life. OK, so it intruded when I had to go to the ER and visit specialists I never thought I'd have to see, but I'd been given clearance and had all the tests and I, a non-clinician, had decided that it was OK to just go back to normal life. So I gave myself the evening and the next four days were to be silence.
Did you know that ignoring the elephant in the room didn't work? Wow, shocker. Because I'm an idiot. I did pretty well during the work day because I was super busy but now it won't leave my mind. I've found reason why MS would be a good cause because it would make sense based on thing I've dredged up from the past. I looked up the symptoms, yet again, and for the first time, I started thinking about whether or not I had anything to match them (previously I'd looked them up to make sure I didn't have them).
I have always had an irrational fear of getting multiple sclerosis. I have no idea why. I know nobody who suffers from it and the only thing I know about it is probably false. I think I saw something at least 8 years ago about bee venom being used to treat it. Yet I've always been really scared of it. Nobody in my family has it that I know of. Granted, my family history extends to my mother's side, my father, and his parents. But still, I cannot name a single relative who has it. My initial thought to the idea that I might have it is "well, it has to start somewhere in the family tree, right?" But, given the history I am aware of, you'd think I'd be terrified of cancer. Nope. I just always assumed I'd die of cancer and was scared of MS instead.
If it is MS? Well, by this point, I think I have myself set to accept it. Like I said, it would answer a number of mystery ailments I've suffered and it isn't what it used to be. According to the scary neuro-ophth that I saw, if I have it and am diagnosed now, my chances are good.
But that isn't really the point is it? The point is that I should be hoping and researching lesser causes like virus infections and sarcoidosis. So why aren't I? Why am I so stuck on this worst of the worst? Is it because, as I suspect, that I'd rather prepare myself for the worst known cause rather than fear some complicated and terrifying untreatable cause? Or am I one of those weird people who masochistically wish for problems for the attention? Considering how tired I am of talking about the issue with people at work, I do hope it is not the latter.
I told J that I will probably cry harder at the diagnosis of a virus than at a diagnosis of MS out of sheer relief. I have been and probably will continue to prep myself for the worse so as not to have a total break down that the idea of a get out of jail free card will most likely make me break down into a puddle of tears. Here's hoping that is the case.
Did you know that ignoring the elephant in the room didn't work? Wow, shocker. Because I'm an idiot. I did pretty well during the work day because I was super busy but now it won't leave my mind. I've found reason why MS would be a good cause because it would make sense based on thing I've dredged up from the past. I looked up the symptoms, yet again, and for the first time, I started thinking about whether or not I had anything to match them (previously I'd looked them up to make sure I didn't have them).
- When I first moved to Columbus and was going numb on one side. I always chalked this up to stress.
- The fact that I choke easily on saliva and beverages.
- Those occasions when I look down and feel a tingling sensation in my spine.
I have always had an irrational fear of getting multiple sclerosis. I have no idea why. I know nobody who suffers from it and the only thing I know about it is probably false. I think I saw something at least 8 years ago about bee venom being used to treat it. Yet I've always been really scared of it. Nobody in my family has it that I know of. Granted, my family history extends to my mother's side, my father, and his parents. But still, I cannot name a single relative who has it. My initial thought to the idea that I might have it is "well, it has to start somewhere in the family tree, right?" But, given the history I am aware of, you'd think I'd be terrified of cancer. Nope. I just always assumed I'd die of cancer and was scared of MS instead.
If it is MS? Well, by this point, I think I have myself set to accept it. Like I said, it would answer a number of mystery ailments I've suffered and it isn't what it used to be. According to the scary neuro-ophth that I saw, if I have it and am diagnosed now, my chances are good.
But that isn't really the point is it? The point is that I should be hoping and researching lesser causes like virus infections and sarcoidosis. So why aren't I? Why am I so stuck on this worst of the worst? Is it because, as I suspect, that I'd rather prepare myself for the worst known cause rather than fear some complicated and terrifying untreatable cause? Or am I one of those weird people who masochistically wish for problems for the attention? Considering how tired I am of talking about the issue with people at work, I do hope it is not the latter.
I told J that I will probably cry harder at the diagnosis of a virus than at a diagnosis of MS out of sheer relief. I have been and probably will continue to prep myself for the worse so as not to have a total break down that the idea of a get out of jail free card will most likely make me break down into a puddle of tears. Here's hoping that is the case.
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