Delayed Shock

The full weight and shock of my diagnosis hit me at about midnight last night and I broke down into tears and sobbed. I don't think I'm actually sad about this - is that strange? Sadness just strikes me as an odd emotion to feel for myself about something like having a disease. But I'm scared and I'm confused and I don't know what to do. Nothing has been very easy during this process, easy or straight forward. I had to see multiple specialists and undergo all sorts of tests, all spread out over the course of this month. I was so relieved to have my diagnosis that I didn't take into consideration what that diagnosis really is.

And I still don't know. I don't know how I'll be treated other than the probable drugs and monitoring. I don't know how far advanced my particular disease is. I don't know what I should expect, be aware of, or be on the look out for. I just plain don't know.

All I've been doing is assuring others that I am fine, that I am OK with this, and making jokes or being silly. Yesterday I made stationary using the image of my MRI, which was given to me by my neuro ophthalmologist. I worked like a tyrant trying to play catch up and continued to speak with interested parties about my adventures towards the diagnosis and yes, yes, please calm down, no I'm fine.

Oh, and god damn it, I don't want to hear about your friend, your ex-girlfriend, your mother's friend's kid, or that kid who you grew up with whose father had MS and was just fine. I know you are telling me this because you want to reassure me that this doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly become infirm but right now I don't care about anyone's experience but my own. Perhaps that is selfish but I have a feeling that it is to be expected and normal. I don't care that everyone is fine because what if I don't get to be one of them? And why can't I just think about me and about the other possibilities?

Again, I know these people are well intentioned and so I don't blame them and I just continue the conversation as normal when the subject of who they know with MS comes up. But inside I just seethe and rage because I'm tired of hearing about it.

I texted my boss last night and told him I wouldn't be in the office because I'd just felt the real shock and needed a day. He's perfectly fine with that, of course, fine and supportive. When J suggested that it would be better for me to go to work rather than sit at home and just be upset, I was angry and hurt. I explained that I couldn't go in and have to be jokey about it and I couldn't go in and act like the deadlines and work I had left over was important but I'm not. I think that's part of the reason it hit so hard last night. I've been so busy trying to get people to not worry about me that I haven't worried about myself. Not properly. And I haven't allowed myself to be important enough and worthy enough for the attention and the worry.

So I'm taking today to process it all and to cry when I need to and think about the worst when I need to. I'm taking today to shut myself off from the office and the distractions. Now I know why people were surprised that I went in on Tuesday after receiving the diagnosis. I ought to have been devastated and at home with Jeff being comforted. The shock was just delayed but I have felt it now and I'm not going to run from it.