Well aren't I just a paragon of productivity this morning? I got to a local coffee shop by 10:15 and planted myself at a table for four hours of diligent data comparison and correction. Thus far I have five hours of overtime this week, which will be quite nice in my paycheck. I did take a brief break to speak with my mother about my SIL. Turns out SIL's birthday is April 27, so she is still just 30 years old. Poor fucking chick. Yesterday I spoke with two of the surgeons at work and they both told me that it is a matter of months rather than years. I knew the prognosis was dire but hearing that it was most likely months took my breath away. I can't imagine this being it, this being the entirety of my life; and I don't pretend to have the first idea of what she is going through. So I found a web-site, this site in fact, and purchased a t-shirt, because that is about all I can realistically do; well, that and sign up as a member of the foundation so that I can help in future fundraisers in my state.
Sitting for that length of time at my computer made me antsy so when I got home, I cleaned the kitchen, scrubbing the floor and cleaning out the microwave. I have my IT Guy pre-1980's R&B album playing because it is what cheered me up back in February when cancer reared back into my life. I'm not weepy this time. I'm not weepy because I'm done weeping for the pain of others. When SIL is gone, she will be free of pain, hope, desperation, and all those other terrible human emotions. Her husband, my brother, her father, mother, brother, all of us, will acquire those feelings from her and carry them in our hearts forever. And we would all be so happy to feel that pain for years and years if it meant she could have more time. And now I'm crying, now that I've said I was done with weeping, I'm crying. Because she's gone through so much for nothing. I don't really even know her. She's just like my brother, a stranger to me. But I love her just the same, even though I didn't like her for so long. We were teenagers, we were stupid and different and everything mattered so much. And now that I've mellowed and my brother has apparently mellowed, I'll never really get to know her.
But that isn't what matters because I don't matter in this situation, she does. She and my brother, who is going to lose everything if he loses her. That's why I bought the t-shirt and signed up to join the foundation, because if I can do anything to help other families, other individuals, I would like to. It's the same reason I'm on the bone marrow registry and why I donate blood and time. Because it is just too much for these people to deal with and I'd like to do what I can to stop it.
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