Simply Pizza - A Recipe

This is a tasty recipe requiring only a handful of ingredients. It is, however, surprisingly involved and labor intensive.

Ingredients

• Butter or margarine 
• 1 steak, any variety, preferably a thicker cut
• Smoked jalapeno apple-wood seasoning, to taste
• Pepper, to taste
• 2 slices 3-day old pizza, left in box in the oven
• 3 slices 3-day old cheesy bread, left in box in the oven (optional)
• Bottle red wine of any variety (a simple red blend will do)

Directions

• Open wine to decant
• Begin with steak that has been set out for 30 minutes to come to room temperature. (If you have cats, place the steak, uncovered, on a chopping board and shove it in the oven where said cats cannot get at it)
• Add butter/margarine to a medium sauce pan and set over medium high heat
• Whilst butter/margarine heats up/melts, pat steak with paper towels to soak up any moisture
• Season meat to taste
• Once butter/margarine is liquid and bubbling, add the steak. Heat for 4 minutes
• Pour a glass of wine and have a sip
• Flip steak and heat for 4 minutes
• Add butter/margarine whenever you think there is a risk of the pan drying out
• Once both sides have cooked, remove steak to plate and cut open
• See that steak is essentially still raw on the inside and add back to the pan and heat for 2 minutes 
• Take a sip of wine
• Flip steak and cook for 2 minutes
• While steak cooks, turn away from the stove to pick up your phone
• Notice that, despite having the vent fan running, apartment appears a bit hazy
• Open a window or door wide enough to allow smoke - but not cats - to escape
• Take a sip of wine
• Remove steak from pan and cut open
• Find inside still far too red
• Place steak back into pan and heat for 3 minutes
• Get fed up and remove pan from stove, turning burner off
• Take a sip of wine
• Remove sheet pan, pizza box, and, if using, cheesy bread box* from oven 
• Set oven to 350 or as close as possible based on the sensitivity of the stupid knob that makes it so you are probably going to be heating to 340 or 335 or something ridiculous
• Place steak in sink and rinse with cold water
• Place cold, wet, under-cooked steak into a plastic carrier bag, tie off, and place in kitchen trash
• Place kitchen trash outside front door**
• Pour a second glass of wine
• When oven has successfully preheated, place pizza slices and cheesy bread on sheet pan
• Place pan in oven and set timer for 5 minutes
• Remove from oven and serve immediately, fruitlessly blowing on food to try and cool it down so that you can just shove it into your face already

*Even if you aren't using the cheesy bread, still remove the box from the oven, obvs.

**Forget that rain is forecast and leave the bag by the front door until the following morning when you will then carry a soaking wet bag of garbage to the dumpster on your way to work.