I am coming to the end of my work day and I legit feel like I'm off after this. I'm not though. Head boss is letting everyone in my department work from home tomorrow and we'll be released early most likely (because we always are the day before a holiday) but I'll still have to get up early and work. And I'll be one of the few returning to the office come Thursday. But in just over 20 minutes this work day will be over and I feel such a sense of freedom and joy in that.
Maybe it is because I had my apartment professionally cleaned yesterday. I did this in November using a different company. I definitely got what I paid for but I wanted something a bit more thorough so thought I'd try out someone new. It wasn't terribly expensive (relatively speaking) and I am really pleased with the results this time. And, of course, I'm telling myself that I will keep on top of it so that I don't have to hire anyone again because who am I to hire other people to clean my apartment? I'm supposed to be budgeting my money and paying down my debt, not splashing out on self-indulgences. But honestly, I don't regret it. Maybe I did it because my actual birthday day didn't feel very special and I'm a child. Maybe I did it because I'm so bummed about everyone around me being on vacation when I'm not and I'm a child.
Actually, I think I did it because I decided to renew my lease for a full year. Well, SA helped with that decision by letting me know that he still isn't ready to live together. I'm not very upset about the living together thing because I'm not the biggest fan of his house and moving in with someone who has lived in the same place for twenty years makes it hard to ever feel like you are at home. That and I enjoy being on my own and taking a long bath and occasionally drinking too much and being a bit stupid on a weekend. But I feel like he still isn't fully committed to me and that is a bit hard. When I asked why he didn't want to live with me he just said he wasn't ready. I'm glad I thought to text about it rather than speak in person because I think a face to face conversation would have ended up as a referendum on all of my faults. No one wants to listen to that. So I get to pretend that he's just lazy and doesn't want to share his space or do all the work that it would take to move someone in.
Because it would, in fact, take a lot of work given the state of the place.
But, he did buy me the super expensive and slightly ostentatious nightstands. They were delivered yesterday, one of them damaged, and he had to get his nephew to come over to help because they were so heavy I couldn't move them into the house, up the stairs, and down the hall into the bedroom. They are 100+ pounds each so I don't feel too bad about that. I don't have a lot of upper body strength and I never will, it's just how I'm built. SA asked "just imagine if it was a dining room table or something" but I made it clear that if he ever bought furniture again, specifically for me, I would pay the $80 myself for in home delivery because it's definitely worth it. So he isn't ready to fully commit to me (my words/thoughts) but he did spend a lot of money on furniture he didn't necessarily want in order to make me happy.
I get ahead of myself a lot when it comes to my feelings/thoughts/wants. By that I mean that I don't think it through enough and I act before I've really gotten a good grasp on what exactly it is that I'm feeling. I know that sounds strange and it IS strange. It's also really irritating because I analyze and analyze but the answer doesn't come to me and I get anxious and upset and want to deal with it and end up talking before I'm ready which often turns into a fight or just makes me look high strung and ridiculous. But one thing I've learned during the duration of this relationship is to just step the eff back when this happens. So that's what I'm doing. I've processed my feelings about living together (and am pretty relieved that I'll be staying put at the same rate for another year) and am just trying to pin down whatever it is that is niggling at me. Until then, I've decided to just keep quiet about it.
I guess that is a reason to be grateful for the peer reviews and self-evaluation I have to write this week. I'm planning on doing them tomorrow, whilst at home, to distract myself (read: get myself out of my own damn head) and to just get them out of the way. I loathe self-evaluation time and the peer reviews are tricky in their own right. But they must be done and hopefully they will eat up a shortened work day.
Maybe it is because I had my apartment professionally cleaned yesterday. I did this in November using a different company. I definitely got what I paid for but I wanted something a bit more thorough so thought I'd try out someone new. It wasn't terribly expensive (relatively speaking) and I am really pleased with the results this time. And, of course, I'm telling myself that I will keep on top of it so that I don't have to hire anyone again because who am I to hire other people to clean my apartment? I'm supposed to be budgeting my money and paying down my debt, not splashing out on self-indulgences. But honestly, I don't regret it. Maybe I did it because my actual birthday day didn't feel very special and I'm a child. Maybe I did it because I'm so bummed about everyone around me being on vacation when I'm not and I'm a child.
Actually, I think I did it because I decided to renew my lease for a full year. Well, SA helped with that decision by letting me know that he still isn't ready to live together. I'm not very upset about the living together thing because I'm not the biggest fan of his house and moving in with someone who has lived in the same place for twenty years makes it hard to ever feel like you are at home. That and I enjoy being on my own and taking a long bath and occasionally drinking too much and being a bit stupid on a weekend. But I feel like he still isn't fully committed to me and that is a bit hard. When I asked why he didn't want to live with me he just said he wasn't ready. I'm glad I thought to text about it rather than speak in person because I think a face to face conversation would have ended up as a referendum on all of my faults. No one wants to listen to that. So I get to pretend that he's just lazy and doesn't want to share his space or do all the work that it would take to move someone in.
Because it would, in fact, take a lot of work given the state of the place.
But, he did buy me the super expensive and slightly ostentatious nightstands. They were delivered yesterday, one of them damaged, and he had to get his nephew to come over to help because they were so heavy I couldn't move them into the house, up the stairs, and down the hall into the bedroom. They are 100+ pounds each so I don't feel too bad about that. I don't have a lot of upper body strength and I never will, it's just how I'm built. SA asked "just imagine if it was a dining room table or something" but I made it clear that if he ever bought furniture again, specifically for me, I would pay the $80 myself for in home delivery because it's definitely worth it. So he isn't ready to fully commit to me (my words/thoughts) but he did spend a lot of money on furniture he didn't necessarily want in order to make me happy.
I get ahead of myself a lot when it comes to my feelings/thoughts/wants. By that I mean that I don't think it through enough and I act before I've really gotten a good grasp on what exactly it is that I'm feeling. I know that sounds strange and it IS strange. It's also really irritating because I analyze and analyze but the answer doesn't come to me and I get anxious and upset and want to deal with it and end up talking before I'm ready which often turns into a fight or just makes me look high strung and ridiculous. But one thing I've learned during the duration of this relationship is to just step the eff back when this happens. So that's what I'm doing. I've processed my feelings about living together (and am pretty relieved that I'll be staying put at the same rate for another year) and am just trying to pin down whatever it is that is niggling at me. Until then, I've decided to just keep quiet about it.
I guess that is a reason to be grateful for the peer reviews and self-evaluation I have to write this week. I'm planning on doing them tomorrow, whilst at home, to distract myself (read: get myself out of my own damn head) and to just get them out of the way. I loathe self-evaluation time and the peer reviews are tricky in their own right. But they must be done and hopefully they will eat up a shortened work day.
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