The shots have gotten a lot better. I still have some itching but I don't freak out like I did. Actually, I was driving home from work, dead tired and knowing that I had to go to the pet store to buy things for my lord and master, The Destruktor, when I realized that I don't think about the fact that I have MS like I used to. I had a delivery of medication at work on Thursday and forgot about it, leaving it in the break room refrigerator. I just don't obsess like I used to. This is, obviously, awesome and to be expected, and I'm over the moon that it has only take a few months, but it got me thinking about my other chronic and life long problem, that of bi polar disorder.
I haven't read a great deal about mental illness. Yes, I have a BA in Psychology and I find that subject fascinating, but I mainly enjoy individual and group psychology as it applies to human dynamics. I don't go scouring journals to read up on treatments or anything. But I did once read that many of those who have suffered from unipolar depression for years often are afraid of the drugs, not because of side effects or anything, but because, well, without the depression they've suffered for so long, who are they? Don't quote me, as I'm probably wrong, but I feel like I learned this from Elizabeth Wurtzel, one of my favorite authors.
It got me thinking. If someone came and told me that they could make me no longer suffer from bi polar disorder, would I accept that offer? I don't know. We often think about what we would tell our younger selves and if I could speak to 17 year old Cat, I would definitely scream "get help!There is something wrong with you that is treatable and you don't have to be so unhappy and fucked up!" I would do that to keep from having the memories of embarrassing times, of humiliating times, of stupid decisions. But 17 was a long time ago. I'm still proud of 22 year old Cat for recognizing the signs of bi polar disorder and seeking treatment, even though I wasn't very good about taking my pills for some time. But it has been seven years since I've been on the puppy uppers and doggy downers and they've done wonders for me, even if I don't have the same brain chemistry as a 'normal' person.
Would I accept the offer to no longer be bi polar now? I don't know. If someone said they could take away the MS without replacing it with something worse, I'd jump on that shit like I'd jump on Jude Law's cock. But bi polar is different because at this stage, I don't remember what it is like to have anything different. I don't remember what it was like to have emotions and moods and feelings without the control of pills. Someone once asked me, someone who knew of my 'condition', if bi polar individuals are more self absorbed than others. I didn't take offense, not right away, but just considered the question and responded "I don't know. I no longer know what it is like to be NOT bi polar."
And that's really it. This is what I know. Maybe I'd be really great, really smart, funny, witty, and wonderful. But maybe I'd be stodgy and boring. Maybe I'd be a version of me that I didn't know. I wonder what would be worse, being a me that I know that people didn't like, or a version of me that people did like because I wasn't really me anymore.
The fact of the matter is that right now this isn't really something I have to deal with because science hasn't figured it out yet. There are simple questions that I can answer readily, such as yes, I would like to be just a bit taller, a lot thinner, have a bigger rack, have better hair, be more poised, sophisticated, and controlled. But I think I'd be happier having those things if I could still be me, even considering how much of me I dislike. I'm familiar to myself, as we all are, and as much as I rail against and complain about it, it's what I know.
I haven't read a great deal about mental illness. Yes, I have a BA in Psychology and I find that subject fascinating, but I mainly enjoy individual and group psychology as it applies to human dynamics. I don't go scouring journals to read up on treatments or anything. But I did once read that many of those who have suffered from unipolar depression for years often are afraid of the drugs, not because of side effects or anything, but because, well, without the depression they've suffered for so long, who are they? Don't quote me, as I'm probably wrong, but I feel like I learned this from Elizabeth Wurtzel, one of my favorite authors.
It got me thinking. If someone came and told me that they could make me no longer suffer from bi polar disorder, would I accept that offer? I don't know. We often think about what we would tell our younger selves and if I could speak to 17 year old Cat, I would definitely scream "get help!There is something wrong with you that is treatable and you don't have to be so unhappy and fucked up!" I would do that to keep from having the memories of embarrassing times, of humiliating times, of stupid decisions. But 17 was a long time ago. I'm still proud of 22 year old Cat for recognizing the signs of bi polar disorder and seeking treatment, even though I wasn't very good about taking my pills for some time. But it has been seven years since I've been on the puppy uppers and doggy downers and they've done wonders for me, even if I don't have the same brain chemistry as a 'normal' person.
Would I accept the offer to no longer be bi polar now? I don't know. If someone said they could take away the MS without replacing it with something worse, I'd jump on that shit like I'd jump on Jude Law's cock. But bi polar is different because at this stage, I don't remember what it is like to have anything different. I don't remember what it was like to have emotions and moods and feelings without the control of pills. Someone once asked me, someone who knew of my 'condition', if bi polar individuals are more self absorbed than others. I didn't take offense, not right away, but just considered the question and responded "I don't know. I no longer know what it is like to be NOT bi polar."
And that's really it. This is what I know. Maybe I'd be really great, really smart, funny, witty, and wonderful. But maybe I'd be stodgy and boring. Maybe I'd be a version of me that I didn't know. I wonder what would be worse, being a me that I know that people didn't like, or a version of me that people did like because I wasn't really me anymore.
The fact of the matter is that right now this isn't really something I have to deal with because science hasn't figured it out yet. There are simple questions that I can answer readily, such as yes, I would like to be just a bit taller, a lot thinner, have a bigger rack, have better hair, be more poised, sophisticated, and controlled. But I think I'd be happier having those things if I could still be me, even considering how much of me I dislike. I'm familiar to myself, as we all are, and as much as I rail against and complain about it, it's what I know.
Like Kay Redfield Jamison, you wouldn't trade it for the world. And that is a good thing. Embrace your life and who you are! What else is there?
ReplyDeleteOMG, you know Kay Redfield Jamison's work?!?!? That book saved my life, quite literally. I love her and her book "Night Falls Fast" is worth checking out if you haven't read it.
ReplyDeleteAnd you're right, there is nothing else save for the sweet release of nothingness that we all meet at some point. My issue is worrying about a possible future where I'm given a choice. What if they figure it out and have a pill at the ready for me?
But for now, I am who I am, much like Popeye.
Popeye would NEVER jump on Jude Law's cock. Or would he??
ReplyDeleteI don't know but I always felt his relationship with Olive Oyl was a bit forced. I think they were both beards.
ReplyDelete