Ms. Smith's Evaluation

I have my performance evaluation tomorrow and, for once, I'm actually looking forward to it. I've read the report given by my supervisor and it was, oddly, a perfect mirror of who I've been at work in the last eight months. I received a number of exceed expectations, a few meets expectations, and one shocking greatly exceeds expectations. The only negative bit that I recall had to do with the downward spiral that my professionalism took this year.

I joke about how inappropriate I am but my degraded professionalism is something that I was aware of and embarrassed by. However, it was something of a conscious choice. Between June 4 and right now, I've had four traumatic life altering events occur. I suffered immense pain that led to a diagnosis of MS, separated from my husband, developed a stalker, and was in a car accident that brought my financial problems to a head. I realized fairly early in these past eight months that if I was to keep afloat in both my private and professional lives, something was going to have to give. I chose polish, for better or for worse.

I used to write long, newsy, handwritten letters to friends. I used to follow up on issues with them. But that became a few emails here and there, nothing long, nothing full hearted. At work I decided that I should focus on the work and getting it done right, regardless of how it was delivered. I'm not saying it was right and that I might have made a different decision, but I can't go back in time. All I know is that I've survived by sacrificing the polish that I used to have.

I mentioned that I've started to put an effort into my appearance but I've done more than that. I've taken greater time and care with emails at work. I went to Hunter once, asking for advice on how to communicate something so that I didn't sound whiny or bitchy because that wasn't what I meant. He worked with me and I was pleased with the finished product. The other day I needed to email someone with something simple, I had a new reviewer for her. She's a friend and I could have jokingly said "yeah, bitch, gotcha a mother fucker"and she wouldn't have flinched. Instead, I copied her manager and another on it and took time to be really professional. Because I'm working on my skills.

My life is in no way settled, don't get me wrong. But it's as though the boat of my life hit rocky water eight months ago and I've gotten my sea legs. The boat still rocks and pitches but now, when I stumble over an obstacle, I simply right myself and keep going as I've adapted, rather than needing to take a minute, throw off a weight, and then continue. I've gotten used to the ups and downs and, what's more, I expect them.

So, for once, I look forward to meeting with my boss to discuss this. Not just so I can explain what has been going on, as I do not plan on going into detail, but so that I can let him know that I understand I've disappointed him, that I've already started on resolving the issue, and so I can compliment him on his astuteness. I will also compliment him on his sensitivity. In my last eval, he referred to me as "Mrs. Smith" throughout. This year he referred to me as "Ms. Smith". I don't know, for all of my emotional perceptiveness, that I could have broken the habit so easily.