How a Boy Feels

"sites:blogspot.com masturbating teen girls"

Someone got to this blog using those keywords. That's pretty specific, isn't it? This person wants to watch multiple teen girls masturbating. I'm sure s/he found what s/he was looking for, but doesn't it seem like only a single teen girl masturbating would suffice? And why masturbation? It doesn't strike me as something that would turn me on, watching some girl play with her honey badger. But to each their own and who am I to judge? Nobody, that's who.

Speaking of judging, I had my evaluation this afternoon and it went even better than I had hoped. OK, full disclosure, I did panic for the thirty minutes leading up to the meeting but Hunter very kindly kept me company on instant messenger and did not make fun of me one bit for continually asking things like "what if I hyperventilate and pass out?" or "what if I start to cry?" or, my favorite, "what if I throw up?" He even offered to call my boss and tell him to be nice to me but he knew I wouldn't go for that (imagine the conversations there would be about why a VP in a different division of the company was concerned about people being nice to me). I think I just expressed my anxiety well enough that he knew I was freaking out and he, like most friends, wanted to make it stop. He couldn't assuage my anxiety altogether, so he did the next best thing and made me laugh a couple of times. Unfortunately, he made me laugh hysterically right before my meeting was to begin so I was a bit off balance*.

But the evaluation went really well and I was very pleased. I even got a raise! I don't know how much because my boss forgot the percentage number and could only tell me that he gave me the highest he could in my bracket (which was awesome). I thanked him and spoke to him very honestly. It was a surprisingly good evaluation given how astute his eval was and how kind and open he was. I really think this next year might actually be better now that I've seen the evaluation.

Next Day
I found out my raise and it was sadly low. Manager told me he gave me the highest available in my bracket and Hunter, who is also a manager, told me that I must be at 120% of my position. This is cool because it means that in only a few years, I've gotten to the point where I make as much as I can. But, on the other hand, if I want to make more money, I need to get a promotion or just get a new job in my company. This is unsettling because it means I might have to leave what I love; alternatively, I need to convince my boss and HR that my position needs to be expanded. 

Manager, during my evaluation, even asked if I had any feedback for him. I didn't feel I could be totally candid so what I did say was that I would like it if he would email more but I did let him know that I've found a work around as I email him after a conversation for clarification so that I have the documentation. He just said "manager up, got it". And today he proved he took it seriously today because when I requested to leave early and he said OK and then came to me and said, to paraphrase, "I'm not worried about you leaving early but I've made a life decision to not leave things till year end. Now, in the last x amount of months in 2011, you had a number of absences..." He was basically letting me know, in the nicest way possible, that he was worried it might be a negative pattern, that he understood that I had a rough time for the past six months of last year, but he wanted to be a good manager. Suffice it to say that I've texted him to thank him for coming to me because it makes me feel like he listened to me. I spent the majority of my time as his employee managing myself. If I can help him understand his role, I'm pleased. And let's face it, like I tell everyone, we never stop testing our boundaries and if you don't let us know when we reach the line, we will keep on. I think this is good for the both of us. And I have been nothing but sincere with the man since my evaluation (OK, so it is less than two days but I plan on keeping it up).

Weird Fear Unnecessary

One of the things I talked about during my evaluation, at the point when Manager asked me what I needed from him, was the fact that my work load has greatly increased. I let him know from the word go that I loved my work and I was actually really happy about the volume. However, Father Time has not granted me any favors and, thus, each hour remains the same sixty minutes that it always has. I asked if I might begin a log on Monday to track where my time was spent so that we might go to HR to see if I can't be salaried. To do this, we will have to prove to HR that I need to have my business title changed to my job title and have them understand that it isn't an hourly position. It really isn't. One half of my job has exploded, much like it did roughly two years ago, and so I'm deluged with work. Again, I'm happy with most of it. What I'm not happy about is not having enough time to attend to each matter 100% like I'd prefer. If I spend four hours doing X, I can guarantee these days that in a week's time I'll most likely spend another four hours doing X, two hours doing Y, and, hopefully, four more hours doing Z. This portion of my work is never ending because I need to recruit, process, and then reprocess for those who have been with my company for two years. You don't need to know the specifics, they'd bore you frankly, but it is time consuming. If that is all I did, things would be great. But I also serve as an assistant and a general executive dogsbody so really, there is too much for the time I have. I suggested the log as a way to see if I'm really in need of more hours or if I just need to identify areas where I can improve efficiency.

Frankly, I hope I can manage a raise and a salaried position. More money is always nice and I'd require it to go salary. But a salaried position would allow me to work over eight hours a day and I truly do like to work. I once told Hunter "can I tell you a secret? I actually like work." And I do! It isn't just that I like the minutia of what I do, but that I enjoy the challenges, the productivity, and the sense of accomplishment. I think I truly am a workaholic at heart but I am aware enough to know that I need to be compensated fairly.

For those who still wonder about my relationship with PW, know this: when I first considered asking Manager about whether or not we could make me salaried, I asked for her advice. I asked Hunter what he thought and he encouraged me to do so but I still asked PW because I knew she'd probably have decent information for me. And she did, thank goodness. I'm so glad I went to her because she did what she always does, considered the issue, told me what I'd need to do, and then quickly found some information I was lacking. I'm hoping she is still comfortable with me, as I am with her, and take it as a good sign that she instant messaged me to see how it went if I'd brought up the salary idea with Manager. I told her what happened and, sincerely, let her know that I would keep her in the loop if I got more information. It was relief, honestly, to interact with her normally. What happened between us happened and we haven't spoken about it. But I hope we can maintain the relationship we previously had as a I truly do appreciate her knowledge and experience and I know she is always a great resource to go to.

In Conclusion

I will leave you with this. Today was a day of heavy data entry and I told Hunter that this meant I would be listening to N.W.A. At one point the following conversation happened:

ME "Dr. Dre uses the term 'predicate' in rap. How can people not appreciate this music more?"
 HUNTER "You should recruit him for your panel. He is a doctor after all."
ME "Yes, but his doctorate is in cold rockin it, not a medical specialty."
ME "I've got a doctorate in cold rockin it is a lyric from a Roots song."
HUNTER"Root the movie"
ME "(hysterical laughter) No, the rap/hip hop group, not the movie."