Man of My Word

What do you mean when you say you are a (wo)man of your word? For me, I mean that no matter what,  I will follow through with a promise and I will do so tout suite, without arguing ambiguous timelines. If  tell you I will see you on X day or help you do Y, I will follow through, when you expect, regardless of a hangover, tiredness, laziness, anything short of real sickness. I might not feel like doing it, but I've told you I will and so I will.

That obviously isn't what everyone means by it. The Bat says he is a man of his word, reassuring me that he will help me sell my Saturn and help me get my mom's car. Well, it is early 8PM and I doubt very much that the Bat will come home soon and hitch up the old shop vac and help me with my car. So I tried the shop vac and failed, and then hauled out my vacuum and cleaned a bit of the inside. The only vacuuming I need done now is to have my seats pulled all the way front so under can be done and the trunk. The Bat said he would help me when he got home today. I don't see that happening.

But that's why I was so afraid to break up with him once this car bullshit started. He says he is a man of his word so he will follow through and go to my mom's to get her car but he has broken his word so many times that I just shake my head in wonder. It's like how my last boyfriend claimed to not be jealous but was SUPER jealous. The Bat has made at least a dozen promises, I'm sure, that he's broken. I guess I thought that now that I'm downgraded to 'friend', he'd actually keep his word. I was stupid for doing so. However, I was also raised by my mother who made sure I would never depend on a guy. So giant bug or no giant bug, I put on yoga pants, rain boots, a long sleeved shirt, and gloves and vacuumed what I could.

Because I have to. Nothing has changed I guess. I'm still worth nothing and cannot rely on the Bat. Hopefully he understands that if he doesn't get on the plane, he will owe my mother quite a bit of money. I think that is the only way to make this "man of his word"keep his word when it comes to me. Real consequences. 

Post Break Up: The Only Trauma is a Bug

Things are going well since the break up. Saturday was spent drinking mimosas and watching movies on TV. We took a nap and then went out for more mimosa supplies and movies. Two of them were interesting, Anna and Afflicted. I don't think either of recovered from the nap however, and we were both extremely tired all evening and wen to bed at a decent hour. The Bat evidently had trouble getting comfortable and ended up sleeping with his head at the foot of the bed. I found this out when I woke up from a nightmare, went for a pee, and scared myself thinking there was someone behind me when there wasn't. I was scared so I was looking for him when I heard his voice say "come snuggle with me". I was pretty relieved as I hate nightmares but sometimes can't help but keep thinking about them when I wake up (I was working in a prison and I was afraid that one or two of the inmates, who never seemed to be locked up, might go off... and other stuff but you know what dreams are).

So things basically haven't changed as we've pretty much been roommates with benefits for the entirety of our relationship. I've talked to people about breaking it off as early as April, I believe, when a whole gang of us went out to a bar and I asked a friend I met through the Bat if she'd still be my friend if I broke up with him. I told trucker last time we went camping. So I've been thinking about ending things for ages but needed to save money and get everything straight. I felt guilty about it because I felt I was using him but he was using me as well.

I will say, however, that I do not handle failure well so I'm not 100% at peace. I made the right decision and this relationship wasn't going anywhere but still, I hate failure.

I feel better in almost every way now that it's all out. I did forty minute of yoga this afternoon and despite our all day mimosa fest, I'm less interested in drinking with anything less than moderation. That's something that I apparently do when I'm unhappy but don't feel I can say anything; I drink a lot, way more than I should and get into embarrassing situations. Now I just feel like focusing on all the work I have ahead of me. I even went out and was working on another go through of my car to get rid of random trash. Unfortunately, at one point, I saw he back of a large, brown bug clamor down between the seat and the door on the back driver's side. I texted the Bat about it (he and Monkey are spending the afternoon/evening in McKinney I think) and his response was "lol. Catch it." Right. I was so traumatized from seeing a dried up corpse of a giant cockroach at the library that I've not gone back. No, instead, I slammed the door, marched inside, texted the Bat, and poured a glass of left over champagne (well, I also cleaned the cat box but it sounds much more dramatic if I leave that part out.) The Bat has promised to help me with my car so when they get back, he's going to haul out the shop vac and help me vacuum. We'd better find that god damn bug or I'll be paranoid for the rest of the time that I drive the thing.

Remember when I found that dead rat in the backyard and was convinced that the yard was riddled with rat corpses or live rats? Well my car is now infested with massive insects who want to get into my nose, ears, eyes, and mouth. We may just have to burn the car in the end.

The Bat and I also did a bit of cleaning this morning, before Monkey got home from her sleepover. I started to pick up around the living room and the Bat joined in, sweeping up (vacuuming) the bedroom and living room whilst I threw in a load of laundry and straightened up the cushions. I put away a few jackets and linen into a large box that I've already packed blankets and things in. I've also continued to condense my belongings into certain spaces, my kitchen things in the corner I use for coffee and tea and in my allocated cabinet, random items in my room. I am trying to make things as streamlined and as easy as possible since I'll be moving again. Once I get my mother's car, I can begin looking for apartments in earnest so that I can get out as quickly as possible. Obviously the Bat and I don't hate one another but regardless of our amicable arrangement at present, it's best all around that I get out.

Two more days of vacation. Maybe I'll get a tiny bit more of packing done. All I know is that I doubt I'll drive anywhere in my car until I feel certain that it is bug free. I'm going to take really good care of my mom's car and make sure it is kept clean on the inside so as not to invite future critters. Now, if only the Bat would get home so we can vacuum the shit out of my Saturn. 

Breaking Up Isn't That Difficult After All

The Bat and I broke up last night. This has been a long time coming as I've been planning on breaking up with him since early July. Then my car had issues and he agreed to go to Arizona with me and I was afraid if I broke up with him he wouldn't help me with it. He told me he was a man of his word so he would definitely help me sell my current car and get the new one, which was really nice of him. He was planning on breaking up with me the day we got back to Texas so I don't know how long he's been planning it.

Everyone I've told have been really supportive but way more upset and freaked out than I was. I have my reasons for breaking up with him, which my closer friends know, but I don't hate him and he doesn't hate me. We both like each other more and feel more comfortable now that we've made this decision. I'll continue living in the Bat Cave until I can find a place and his day porter will still help with the actual move. We aren't telling Monkey, at my request, until I'm fully out, because it will make it more stressful for me and it will confuse her because the Bat and I are going to carry on as usual until I'm finally out. Sex and snuggles were the only good things in our relationship towards the end so, since we both enjoy it and I'll be here, it seems dumb not to continue doing it. We were at the gas station when I mentioned something about fucking and he said "we're still going to do that while you're here, right?" I said "oh, yeah" and then said "wait, is that fucked up?" But we both want it so it seems dumb to deny ourselves.

We both feel a tremendous sense of relief and like each other more now that the weight of the obligations of our "relationship" are gone. We've been roommates with benefits for so long that now that we are officially so, it makes it easier and lighter. We both want different things. He wants a companion whose company he enjoys and who he gets along with in bed. That's about it. I want a life with someone who wants the same. I want a boyfriend, one who likes me and shows me that he does, shows me that he cares about me. I want someone who treats me the way I treat boyfriends. Neither one of us is wrong and we don't hate each other. Most people are pretty confused that I'm not all broken up (even though many of them have known I was planning on splitting) and that he and I are getting along and, at this moment, enjoying mimosas and brunch together. There just isn't any reason for hostility when neither of us feels it.

So after I get the car from my mother and sell my beloved Saturn, I will take stock of my finances and begin looking for a new place in earnest. I'll stay fairly close to Rowlett because I have friends here that I want to remain seeing on a regular basis. And as much as I hate my commute, ever since I found a talk show in the afternoon that amuses me, my ride home provides me with a great time to decompress. But I will move slightly closer to work, if only by a few miles. Oh, and I think Bubbles is going to benefit. I bought her this pheromone atomizer thing yesterday in hopes of calming her the fuck down because she is losing fur and it's traumatizing me.

So that is the state of things, folks. I've broken up with my boyfriend and he's broken up with me. It was mutual and as tense as it was when we talked about it, right after we were totally fine, especially when the Bat said "and now here we are, arguing in a bowling alley" which made me laugh my ass off. I appreciate my friends who have been so supportive and caring. I can't believe I've made such good friends in such a short amount of time. I'm a lucky girl and my future is going to be fantastic. And I truly wish all the best for the Bat. Well, to be honest, I wish all the best to Monkey. The Bat can take care of himself.

Who's On the Line?

Have I mentioned how much I don't like meetings and how I seem to be in a lot of them lately? Right now I am working from home and am on a teleconference. I can barely hear the people speaking and that's a damn shame since this is a team meeting that deals with organizational changes. But all I can think about is farting really loudly into my phone to see if they notice. I don't know where everyone is located so I can't instant message people to make fun of colleagues or snark on the meeting because it might be seen by a boss or manager or the person I'm snarking on. All I can do is sit and pay half attention with one ear in case someone calls my name. Well that and play Farm Heroes Saga. I suck at Candy Crush but I'm not half bad at FHS and I like, when I beat a level or win an animal or something, that the game asks if I want to share the news. I've started saying yes and today I posted this:

 

Read it in the voice of Jesse Pinkman

Tomorrow begins my five day reprieve from the Hive as I've decided to refer to my work. I'm very much looking forward to that although I'm going to be missing a meeting that I'm actually interested in. But hey, not driving 70 miles a day and not having huge spikes in my blood pressure because of the shitty communication that goes on is worth it. And no, I have no plans. The Bat had discussed going camping with some friends but one of them is on call all weekend so that is out. I'll probably just faf about doing nothing. Well, nothing but defeating Rancid Raccoon and earning livestock in FSH. I'm toying with the idea of having a luxurious breakfast/brunch tomorrow but that would require my leaving the house, which would require me to take a shower and put on real clothes (the shower will happen no matter what, as soon as this fucking phone call is over). I don't know. We'll see. 

Speaking of making food, I officially cannot cook in the Bat cave. I'm a decent cook but every mother fucking thing I cook in this dude's oven, except for the savory tart, ends up tasting bland and boring. I don't know what it is because I never had this problem in my apartment in Mesquite or any of my apartments in Ohio. It's something about the cave. Also I'm the only one who cooked this week so far. The Bat promised me on Tuesday night to take me on a real date this week but he was super drunk and didn't remember any of the conversation we had. I told him about it - gave him the gist - and mentioned the date part so we'll see if that happens. All I know is that I'm either off the hook for cooking or else I need to stay away from that oven. 

Well, my meeting finally ended so I'd better get back to work. Yes, that's right, I wrote this during my meeting, which is essentially like texting someone because you're bored while waiting for something. I used you dear reader, I used you.

White Flag

Pictured above: What I feel like in my office these days. By office I mean my open lay out none cubicle farm that I share with my colleagues. The above image depicts me hiding under my desk and waving a white flag in hopes that the assholes and idiots will just fucking stop.

Things are not going well for Simply at the moment. I'm having a shitty time at work and I don't have a support system at home. The Bat doesn't care about my work or how it affects me and I only get one day a week with Spectero so I'm a bit overwhelmed at the moment. My life has become a matter of counting down the days. Today is Wednesday so I have two work days (including today) to get through before my five day weekend. And it is only ten days before the Bat and I fly to Arizona to get my mom's car. Then I can sell my old, beloved Saturn and use that money to put down a deposit on an apartment.

Every day when I think I'm about to lose it, I just remind myself that there are only so many more days before x will happen followed by y. And who knows, maybe I'll put on my big girl pants and have the courage to look for a new job. Because this one is killing me due to the horrifically bad communication in my division.

Things I Miss

Warning folks, this is about my ex husband.

These are the things I miss about J. He was so fucking funny. I cannot begin to explain how hilarious he was. Like me, he got really annoyed when one of his jokes didn't make me laugh because that was something important to both of us. We also would watch stand up comedy and whenever there is anything that reminds me of him, I think of him. The Bat and I are watching either Transformers or Transformers 2. All I know is that J and I watched this comedian who had a joke about giving his wife either an oven or a vacuum for her birthday. Everyone booed and so he stressed that it was a really good oven/vacuum. He went on to say that he'd filled one of her childhood dreams because little girls grow up with easy bake ovens and fake vacuums. "If my wife came home on my birthday and gave me a car/truck that turned into a robot it would blow my mind."

J and I laughed at that a lot. Sometimes I can't remember everything about a funny story he told me, an anecdote from his day. Do you ever have something trigger a very tiny bit of memory and you wish you could remember the whole thing? That's what happens with me. J was so god damned funny and I wish I could remember all of his jokes.

He was also the smartest person I ever met. Don't get me wrong, the Bat is smart and capable but J was smart in an intellectual, unneeded way. With the Bat, I always know that if I/we can do it, we'll fix it ourself. With J, I'd muse about something and he'd have mused about it as well but done the research. That is why I know what a Blue Hen is, the mascot of my alma mater. And I just learned so much. Every time I see a bird and wonder what it is, I think of J because he would probably know given his random interest in birds. He is the reason I notice hawks at all. I'm so unobservant that I never noticed how many hawks and vultures I could see on any given day. Now, when I see a red tailed hawk, I think of J. There is a bird that frequents my office's parking lot and I think it is a grackle but I don't know for sure. J would know. J could tell me.

I miss the way that he, like me, would always find himself saying something that was redundant, ridiculous, or awful, call it, and explain in a joke. Here is my example. When J broke his ankle, I drove his car one day and mine the next. He was stuck at home and we wanted both cars to be maintained. One time, when I was driving his car, he pointed out that I need to keep the center glove box thing closed because otherwise thieves might see CDs and steal the car. I don't remember what it was but he mentioned something else. Then he said, in a totally "I'm joking because I know I just sounded like an ass" voice "I'm going to be giving you a bunch more rules, OK?" Maybe you had to be there, I don't know. I just know that we called awkward moments and when we realized we were being asses, we said something.

I still love J, of course. Not romantically. I google him from time to time, hoping to find a wedding announcement but  know that is ridiculous because he, like me, doesn't believe in marriage and he, like me, would never draw attention to himself. I wish, at least once a week, that I could have some confirmation that he was happy. I don't know why, considering I left him. I just think he is a phenomenal guy and I want him to be happy. And that is totally selfish of me. I want him to be happy and partnered so that I know he is happy and I did the right thing and I didn't ruin his life.
I truly want him to be happy but I guess there is a part of me that wants to know I didn't totally fuck him up.

I don't believe in marriage and I won't do it again. For a while I thought I would like it because I honestly did like being married to J. But I hurt someone, very much. So I'm not going to do that again. But I hope he has found someone worthy of him, someone who gets him. That is what he deserves.

Domesticity and Waxing

Warning: This post contains what is popularly referred to as TMI so you may want to skip the first part of this post. Especially if you are my brother. If you want to skip it, just scroll down to the second set of asterisk marks.

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I began getting Brazilian waxes a couple of months ago because I was tired of ingrown hairs and the pain that is shaving my own lady garden. I go to the same place every time because they are nearby and I don't need everyone checking out my bits and pieces. The first few times I got the same girl but this latest time I got a new one. I was kind of relieved because usual girl is chatty. I don't like talking to the person cutting my hair and I read when I get a pedicure. So I really do not feel like chatting whilst you are moving my labia here and there and spreading hot wax on me. As I said, I was relieved. This new girl wasn't a chatter but I felt like she was only a few moves away from giving me a complete gynecological exam. I almost laughed because it was kind of funny the way she'd move this lip back and then move my legs around to make sure she got all the hair. But it was just, well, odd. I believe she is what you'd call a perfectionist. 

My favorite part? When she had me get on my hands and knees so she could wax my crack. She asked if I was comfortable and I said yes while chortling on the inside because I was basically in doggy style, a position I am definitely familiar with. But I preferred that to what the usual girl does, which is to have me lay on my stomach and spread my cheeks with my hands. 

Now do you understand why I go to the same place all the time? Yeah. And for those who are scared of the Brazilian but who kind of want to try it, go for it. It isn't that painful at all (using tweezers to pluck your eyebrows hurts worse). And at least at my place, the people apply a numbing agent and offer you wine if you want (or coffee or water or some sort of juice). I was not expecting the backside waxing so that was a surprise and I'll let you know that yes, you do feel it when it's over with. Apparently that hair back there does something or just fills a gap because you definitely feel the difference. (Quick note about my use of the terms "crack" and "backside". You all know I'm not a prude and I use foul language but to say she waxed my asshole would not be correct as no wax was poured into me and then ripped out. That is also why I hate when women talk about having their vaginas waxed. No, you are having your pubis mons and labia waxed. Learn your anatomy people). 

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Other than the above, I had a relaxing weekend of watching the Albert Campion series whilst folding laundry and ironing a bit. I was really rather domestic with that shit. And today I will be cooking Polynesian chicken and this potato thing where you basically slice the potatoes almost all the way and put stuff on them and bake them. The Polynesian chicken is really easy and shouldn't take much labor on my part. Or else it wouldn't if I'd gotten the right ingredients. You use chicken pieces; I bought chicken breasts. So I am going to have to cut it all up into pieces. You also use crushed pineapple and peach preserves; I bought pineapple chunks and canned peaches so I had to go back to the store. I didn't buy the pineapple because I figure I can crush the ones I have. And the potato thing really is super simple and, happily, the oven temperatures are pretty much the same so I can throw the whole thing in at the same time. Score!

Why the domesticity? Well, when the Bat does laundry he leaves it on the sofa which means clutter and wrinkles. It bothered me so I folded it and ironed things and put it away and finished doing the rest of what he started and did some towels. As to the cooking, the Bat has decided that now that Monkey will be going back to school, we should all cook twice a week. I picked Sunday and will figure out what other night I want. But if the other two don't cook as well, I'll quit. I think it is a great idea because we will all eat better and it will help get everyone back into a routine. Speaking of which, I think mine might be off this week because I usually do Girl Date Night on Tuesdays but Spectero and I have a mutual friend whose birthday is Wednesday so we'll both prob go to that and I don't know if she'll want to do two nights cause of the money. Wednesday is also date night but, as I've said in recent posts, I don't think the Bat is really that into it so I don't know if we are going to continue with that. Which is a bummer for me but what can you do. 

For the rest of my day, I'm going to organize my room and hang a mirror so I can get ready in there rather than the Bat's bathroom (I want to get up earlier for work but don't want to disturb his sleep). I will also find another esoteric mystery series to watch. Back to the grind tomorrow for what I believe will be a stressful week. But, my friends, it will also be a short week for yours truly as I have Friday off and do not return to work until the following Wednesday. So take that stressy work. 

Here's to everyone having a great work week.