It's all down hill from here

The Difficult Job of Dressing Myself

They are finally making my division of the company adhere to the corporate dress code. I heard rumbling about this two weeks ago and today, a Tuesday of all days, the e-mail has gone out. One of the rules is that there is to be no bare shoulders at any time, just like when you visit the Vatican. On 'Casual Friday' we can wear jeans that are in perfect shape and less formal shirts, though no novelty t-shirts or anything with a large slogan or emblem (and just when I got my super rad Better Myths cross-dressing shirt in the mail!) We can wear sneakers and 'deck shoes' on Fridays, but I don't really even know what 'deck shoes' are so I'm rather stumped. They sound like something preppy white people where aboard yachts, don't they?

I'm actually not that bummed about this because, as I've said, I'm super lazy about my clothing. That isn't to say that I don't like clothes or that I'm not girly (totally am) but my laziness far outweighs all my other feelings about this subject. But instead of getting gloomy and sighing with exhaustion at the very idea of this whole dressing like a real person/grown up every day idea, I've simply made a nice little plan. I have scheduled a transfer of funds from my ever dwindling savings account and will go shopping this weekend for self-made uniforms. I will purchase black and gray trousers, black skirts, black and gray blouses, a couple of blazer type jackets, and shoes. Well, I'll buy what I can afford with the money I'm allotting ($380; weird amount, I know, but I wanted to leave $1,000 in savings). The problem now is where to go because I'm so used to only going to Target and Kohls. But I'll e-mail my girlfriend and ask her for advice and just add it to the plan.

Why Dressing Myself Mayn't Matter Before Long

I am now training for a half-marathon that I am planning to attempt in October. My friend, Diego, forwarded me a link with a work-out schedule and told me to just do the first four weeks twice before moving on since I have the time. But I'm still nervous because work-out one calls for me to run two miles all in a row and I haven't even run a single mile all at once in who knows how long. But I will give it my best and stick with it. I've had to shelve the booze so that I can do this, and hope that I'll become inspired to eat right (doubtful). I'm terrified by this 13.1 mile run but also feel it is important to push myself and set goals for myself rather than stagnating. How accomplished would I feel if I actually did this? Super accomplished, that's how. And it might open up a new hobby for me, where I could run a lot and enjoy it and be healthy and all that bull shit. We'll see.

Getting to San Diego for this race is going to be nightmarish. I had to sit on the phone for an hour yesterday and then wait two hours for a call back because my flight had been changed. I will now be flying out of Columbus at 6:15 a.m. and making two transfers before reaching sunny California. I'll need to read up on how to avoid jet lag as best as I can. But! I'll get to visit a new city and do new fun things and meet new people. And I'll miss work and get to travel and all sorts of neat things! Really, this is just win win all around. Maybe I'll get to feel an earth quake (minor one please) and see sharks.

Random 

Oh. My. God. My boss, who forwarded me an e-mail this morning, just came to my cube and said "you might want to forward that e-mail to your Muslim friend." Now, I hadn't read the e-mail (it was a forward after all) but I had skimmed it. Here I was thinking it was about skin transplants and how people donate cells or something. When Boss said that I thought "oh, maybe this was about a Muslim group who had started a skin cell bank" or something like that. So, in my stupidity, I got excited and told him about what my Muslim friend and her husband were doing, which is trying to get non-profit status for a legal program that provides legal help (with financial assistance) to Muslims in the community. My boss's response? He essentially said "does your friend make her clients show her their papers and swear an allegiance to our country, publicly denouncing the radical extremism?" I was stunned! He went on to say that anyone who does not stand up and publicly speak out against the terrorists are as bad as terrorists themselves. I told him that, as he is far more familiar with living in the Middle East and dealing with that tyranny than I (because he totally isn't), he of all people should know that there are many who are not terrorists but cannot speak up for fear of reprisal. He went on to say, in his red eyed, tea party, rage-filled way, that Muslim men in this country have nothing to fear. My response was "no, but their families back home do." 

Had I only read that god damned e-mail I would have been prepared.

 

 

Things My Boss Asks Me to Do

Not the smart one in the family

I just choked on my V8 V-fusion. Remember last time I choked on my own saliva? That was less than three months ago! Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? At least this time I was able to somewhat control it and not continue barking like a seal and sucking in like a broken vacuum cleaner. Of course, the V8 is now burning my nose and throat and I felt like I'd suffered a hot flash, but at least the GM of the company didn't come loom over my cube wall and make sure I was OK. This time the VP looked in on his way down the hall.

I'm going to chalk it up to nerves. This meeting is getting ever closer and I need to get the agenda out to head mukky muck and I have no idea where it stands. I did ask EA if she could bring it up at the Super Important People (SIP) meeting this morning and let them know I needed to send it by 1PM but I haven't heard since and she is sequestered in her office. What's worse is that my boss still shows no signs of any concern. The people coming are a big deal and we need to treat them as such but Boss doesn't seem to care. Of course, Boss is the kind of guy who shows up late to every meeting just to appear busy and important. Maybe I should just let it go and let the cards fall where they may. After all, head mukky muck's assistant knows how hard I've been trying to get this together as I've been coordinating things with her. And EA knows that I'm working on it. Still, if Boss fails doesn't that mean Boss's assistant fails. Blerg.

In other news, my brother obtained his doctorate of education recently. Actually, I think the graduation is tomorrow. J and I received an invitation, which was nice but 2,500 miles is a bit far to travel. So I wrote a check instead. Then I had to call our mother to make sure I had his name right. Shut up, it isn't like that. When we were kids, my brother always went by his middle name. As an adult, he seems to have begun going by the first initial of his first name and his middle name. That isn't clear. OK, let's say a dude by the name of John Paul Jones always went by Paul but then started going by J. Paul Jones. That's what my brother does now. Only I didn't know if he'd legally changed it to that or not and I'm too stupid to remember where I put the invitation with the name written out. So I called my mom on mother's day and essentially asked "what's Paul's name?" I'm sure she was really proud at that moment.

And I'll leave you with this picture I drew earlier to relieve some of my stress. It didn't work.

Oh Monday....

I kind of got lost on the way to work again today. This time I turned left when I should have turned right when I took a different way into the office. I realized what I had done wrong after a few miles and only had about 15 minutes added to my commute. But I amazed myself with my idiocy.

At the gym I was made to feel inferior by the following two sights:

1: Super fit 50+ year old chick doing walking lunges with 20 pounds on her back, and
2: Super fit, obviously pregnant chick doing jumping squats and walking side lunges.

Neither of them looked particularly sweaty whereas I was dripping as I did my meager 33 minutes on the elliptical. Good looking, in shape people should have a different gym to go to.

Am super nervous because there are a bunch of big wig mukkety mucks coming to my office on Friday and I was somehow put in charge of coordinating things, something I've not done before. What's more, my boss doesn't seem to be too concerned with the meeting even though he was supposed to be in charge of it. So now I have to throw myself at the mercy of a colleague and ask her what to do because I'm incompetent.

But right now I have to go clean out the closets so that the cable guys can rewire and put in hidden cameras tomorrow. I don't know if that is what they are doing, but I like to assume so. They'll learn their lesson when they see how gross I am.

Since signing up with my current company, the first Saturday in May has been something I wait for with eagerness come mid-April. The first Saturday of May is a volunteer day in the city in which I work, one where people go out in the community to help the sick and elderly with household chores and yard work. Today was the third year in a row that I've taken part, the third opportunity I have had. It really is wonderful. You go out and help someone who needs it, appreciates it, looks forward to it. You sacrifice your time, if sacrifice is the word to use, and walk away feeling so great that it is almost as though someone helped you.

All in all, I had a great time... except. There were two moments when I felt awkward and unsure of how to handle myself. The first was when I was washing windows with another girl from my company and we started talking about a former colleague who, essentially, had to leave the company for mental problems. This woman is bi-polar and non-compliant with medication. I stated that I'd heard the theory that she didn't like the weight gain associated with her particular meds. I was then informed that non-compliance with medication is a feature of this disorder. This woman was schooling me in bi-polar. I did my bit, saying that there are varying degrees of severity etc. I didn't push the issue because she wasn't speaking maliciously and I didn't want her to know.

The second awkward moment was when the person we helped thanked us for what we were doing, telling us we should feel good and proud because we looked liked Christians and were doing the Lord's work. It isn't that I was bothered but that I was caught off guard. The GM of my company, who was on my team, said when our lady said 'you all look like Christians to me', "most of us." He knows that I'm an atheist and I appreciated his tact. It was just really weird and I have something to compare it to but let me first give this disclaimer: I'm not saying belief in any religion is the same as racism. I'm just saying that I have the same reaction. Have you ever had someone say something like 'I hate when so and so acts like that but you know how the blacks/hispanics/asians/etc are, always with this that and the other, etc'? You are taken aback by what they are saying and are then abhorred by the fact that they are trying to make it seem like you share their feelings. Again, I'm not saying it is the same thing with regards to the hatred et al, but that is the shock I feel when I am unprepared.

Really?

What a fun day this has been. Took Johan to the vet this morning, super pleased to be going to his six-month check up because I was so sure the vet would be all "wow! good job on the weight loss!" Nope, that little fucker gained weight! Not only was I certain that he'd lost at least 1/4 pound, J even thought so. So now I have to buy a different type of food and measure it carefully and maybe run fatty around a little bit more. Super.

Work was boring and unremarkable, which is fine. But the being stuck in traffic and being in two situations where I sat through several cycles of the light on my way home was not so fine. I left at 5:25 and thought I'd be OK but nope! It is Friday and the road outside my office is off limits so traffic was a mega clusterfuck.

But whatev, I got home. I chilled and ate some string cheese (because I'm 7) and then got ready to walk to the store for some beer and dinner. My iPod was strapped on and I was upbeat and happy for the walk after having sat in my car for so long. Guess what? Someone stole my fucking bike. They cut the cord that was attaching the front tire to the bike and bike rack and took the rest of the body and back wheel, along with the u-shaped lock that was attached. I'm pissed and stunned. They stole J's bike last year and, the previous year, my front tire and seat. Assholes.

Still, I soldered on and walked to the store where I purchased me some Sierra Nevada Summerfest and set off home to relax. And I got caught in the rain.

And yet I'm still upbeat... wait, I should probably stop it. Lord knows what will happen next if I keep this sunny disposition shit up!

Take that Charlie Brown.

If I'm late, it's stupid

I was late to work today. This hasn't happened in awhile and, seeing as it wasn't a Monday, it was a bit surprising. The reason for my lateness, namely abject stupidity, is less surprising. I got lost.

OK, I didn't really get lost on my way in to work (although that has happened to me twice). Instead, I sort of forgot which roads were which and where they led and how they connected. I don't know if it is like this in every state or if it is specific to OH but the roads here connect in funny (read: asinine) ways and they all seem to bisect one another. For instance, if you want to take 315 to 270, you can do so; however, whilst you are trying to exit from 315 to 270, people from 270 are trying to get into your lane to get onto a different highway (70 or 71 I think). The on ramps and off ramps are literally yards apart, causing fabulous traffic jams and a positive Russian Roulette of rush hour. What's more, if you want to take 270 to 71 North (after your harrowing merge from 315), you have to merge onto the on ramp whilst cars are coming from I don't really know where trying to get onto 270.

It isn't always that bad, just during the morning and evening rush when we are all trying to get to work or get back home. The above example comprises my morning commute, 315N to 270W (or E, I don't fucking know) to 71N then merge four lanes to the right and sit in a long line of cars trying to turn onto a busy road. It's awesome. But that isn't the point. The point is that even after having taken that route for two years, I cocked it up this morning and while I didn't necessarily get lost, I didn't, at first, understand where I was. There was something going on on 270; the traffic on 315 to merge was backed up further than usual and we weren't moving. So I decided I'd bypass that nonsense, maneuvered into the far left lane, and proceeded to go straight, all the while thinking "I'll just take 23 to East Campus".

Great plan. No, really. Like I said, all the roads seem to bisect one another and I know of at least four different roads that run perpendicular to 23 that will lead me to various roads that will take me to my office. All roads lead to Rome and Rome's interstate number is 23. My screw up was in forgetting that 315N does not terminate into 23 and that the two roads are totally separate. Yeah, I know, really dumb, but it happened and before I realized my mistake, I wondered the following:

• 23 has more lanes than this, doesn't it? 
• Where are all the stores and restaurants?
• More lanes will probably open up in a minute.
• That is an enormous house.
• Why aren't there any traffic lights?

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is when I realized that no, 315 doesn't terminate into 23, it terminates into a scenic bypass. Scenic bypasses are great and I enjoy them as much as the next person but not when it is 8:00 and I'm already late for work. The major problem with them is that you can't immediately correct your error by exiting the bypass. Turn left and you will end up on a private drive; turn right and you'll plunge into the Olentangy. And when you finally get a traffic light, it doesn't have any turn arrows so god help you if someone at the front of the queue needs to turn left because that shit isn't going to happen until the light turns red again and they run it. So you have to crawl along with the other cars, looking up at the massive homes built on the hill, singing along to your iPod and wondering what the fuck is wrong with you.

Fortunately for me, I had actually been on this bypass before, many times. I like driving and have, on an occasional weekend, gone for long meandering drives, sometimes taking this particular road. If I go to the salon on a Saturday, I will take this pretty little way home. So I wasn't actually lost at all, just not where I thought I was going to end up. I still felt dumb as hell though.