If I'm late, it's stupid

I was late to work today. This hasn't happened in awhile and, seeing as it wasn't a Monday, it was a bit surprising. The reason for my lateness, namely abject stupidity, is less surprising. I got lost.

OK, I didn't really get lost on my way in to work (although that has happened to me twice). Instead, I sort of forgot which roads were which and where they led and how they connected. I don't know if it is like this in every state or if it is specific to OH but the roads here connect in funny (read: asinine) ways and they all seem to bisect one another. For instance, if you want to take 315 to 270, you can do so; however, whilst you are trying to exit from 315 to 270, people from 270 are trying to get into your lane to get onto a different highway (70 or 71 I think). The on ramps and off ramps are literally yards apart, causing fabulous traffic jams and a positive Russian Roulette of rush hour. What's more, if you want to take 270 to 71 North (after your harrowing merge from 315), you have to merge onto the on ramp whilst cars are coming from I don't really know where trying to get onto 270.

It isn't always that bad, just during the morning and evening rush when we are all trying to get to work or get back home. The above example comprises my morning commute, 315N to 270W (or E, I don't fucking know) to 71N then merge four lanes to the right and sit in a long line of cars trying to turn onto a busy road. It's awesome. But that isn't the point. The point is that even after having taken that route for two years, I cocked it up this morning and while I didn't necessarily get lost, I didn't, at first, understand where I was. There was something going on on 270; the traffic on 315 to merge was backed up further than usual and we weren't moving. So I decided I'd bypass that nonsense, maneuvered into the far left lane, and proceeded to go straight, all the while thinking "I'll just take 23 to East Campus".

Great plan. No, really. Like I said, all the roads seem to bisect one another and I know of at least four different roads that run perpendicular to 23 that will lead me to various roads that will take me to my office. All roads lead to Rome and Rome's interstate number is 23. My screw up was in forgetting that 315N does not terminate into 23 and that the two roads are totally separate. Yeah, I know, really dumb, but it happened and before I realized my mistake, I wondered the following:

• 23 has more lanes than this, doesn't it? 
• Where are all the stores and restaurants?
• More lanes will probably open up in a minute.
• That is an enormous house.
• Why aren't there any traffic lights?

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is when I realized that no, 315 doesn't terminate into 23, it terminates into a scenic bypass. Scenic bypasses are great and I enjoy them as much as the next person but not when it is 8:00 and I'm already late for work. The major problem with them is that you can't immediately correct your error by exiting the bypass. Turn left and you will end up on a private drive; turn right and you'll plunge into the Olentangy. And when you finally get a traffic light, it doesn't have any turn arrows so god help you if someone at the front of the queue needs to turn left because that shit isn't going to happen until the light turns red again and they run it. So you have to crawl along with the other cars, looking up at the massive homes built on the hill, singing along to your iPod and wondering what the fuck is wrong with you.

Fortunately for me, I had actually been on this bypass before, many times. I like driving and have, on an occasional weekend, gone for long meandering drives, sometimes taking this particular road. If I go to the salon on a Saturday, I will take this pretty little way home. So I wasn't actually lost at all, just not where I thought I was going to end up. I still felt dumb as hell though.