"Oh my god I hate dating!" I remember back in my naive years when I didn't understand this complaint. I took it to be something ungrateful, gorgeous, desirable people with their shit together would say as a humble brag right after lamenting how difficult it is to find a size two these days. Bitch you have men who want to take you out! Then I became a divorcee and moved to Texas and found out what they meant.
Dating is exhausting. First you have to make an online dating profile because you don't want a boyfriend in your tax bracket so going to the bars in your shitty neighborhood to meet people is out. If you prop up the bar where they serve shitty tap water you are probably going to think taking me to that bar for some tortilla chips and microwaved queso dip is a good idea for a date. I mean, OK, fine, I'm meeting someone at that bar for a drink on Tuesday evening but the word 'date' hasn't been used and it is more a meet and greet thing because he works till 5pm and coffee after 4:30 is out for me (remember, Bruce my lifestyle consultant? He said that the first 'date' is coffee, followed by fine dining).
So you finally get your profile set up to where you think you don't sound horrible and you slap up whatever selfie came out best from the Ross dressing room and then, after being bombarded with messages from a bunch of dudes you have no interest in (I'm looking at you 58 year old man who wants to chat), you find the filters and learn that if someone hasn't read your profile because why is a 20 year old guy messaging you, you can just delete the message. I'm cheap and use OKC because it is free and seems a bit 'classier' than POF (and let's remember, I met the lying, cheating Bat on POF). I hate my profile and feel like I need to tell any guy who contacts me that my photos are current except for the hair because this bitch didn't listen to me when I got it cut a month ago and so it is shorter than I want it but don't worry, it is still down to my shoulders, not like, a pixie cut.
Then you start talking to guys and getting to know one another online and that is exhausting. You have to be really careful in what you say and you fuck up and intimate something without meaning to and then have to trip over your feet apologizing and trying to explain. Then the guy wants to move to text because that is some how easier for them (I guess they just work from their phones and clicking on the app is too much for them?) So you text. The thing with texting is that you either feel compelled to explain why you haven't been responding (bitch, I have a life and luncheables are not going to purchase themselves and come marching to my door) or else tell the dude who apologizes for not getting back to you that it's cool because they feel that same sort of pressure to not seem rude.
I remember my first ever boyfriend saying - we were exes at this point - that it was fucked up for me to leave my first ever cell phone in my car because it made it harder for people to get a hold of me. I told him I didn't need people to be able to get in contact with me as soon as they fucking wanted and I only had the thing because my mom made me because I just started driving. But that was over ten years ago and people are now used to immediacy and shit and I enable it because I MUST ALWAYS KNOW IF SOMEONE HAS TEXTED ME HOPEFULLY THAT GOOD LOOKING GUY WHO SAID I'M PRETTY!
Then you set up a date and freak the fuck out. On the one hand, it gives you a reprieve (maybe) because since you've booked a date or meet up or whatever, you'll see the person soon so you can stop texting so god damned much. Seriously, my phone has been playing the harp sound notification sound all day and as nice as the attention is and as nice as these guys are, it's too much for me. I don't mind living alone and being on my own during the weekends because I'm peopled out by Thursday. So this all day of texting three different guys is just a bit much.
Then you go on the meet up or date and feel awkward and nervous and keep telling yourself "I swear to god, if you embarrass me I will never forgive you" and are so on edge you leave forgetting half of the conversation. Maybe you set up a second date and things work out. Maybe you go on a couple of dates before something happens that kills all romantic interest on your part and you shut down your profile because who wants to go through all that work to be disappointed again?
It really is the pits. So I thought, let's try this again, shall we? I have a meetup (tap water dive bar) on Tuesday evening and one for coffee on Wednesday afternoon. And there is still one guy I'm texting with that hasn't suggested anything but that will probably happen because we have a lot in common and seemed to like each other. Then there is that guy I'm going to have to tell to cast his line elsewhere because there is just something about him I'm not into and I hate doing that even though we are all adults.
But maybe this time I'll at least get to the awkward first time we have sex stage. I'll keep you posted.
Dating is exhausting. First you have to make an online dating profile because you don't want a boyfriend in your tax bracket so going to the bars in your shitty neighborhood to meet people is out. If you prop up the bar where they serve shitty tap water you are probably going to think taking me to that bar for some tortilla chips and microwaved queso dip is a good idea for a date. I mean, OK, fine, I'm meeting someone at that bar for a drink on Tuesday evening but the word 'date' hasn't been used and it is more a meet and greet thing because he works till 5pm and coffee after 4:30 is out for me (remember, Bruce my lifestyle consultant? He said that the first 'date' is coffee, followed by fine dining).
So you finally get your profile set up to where you think you don't sound horrible and you slap up whatever selfie came out best from the Ross dressing room and then, after being bombarded with messages from a bunch of dudes you have no interest in (I'm looking at you 58 year old man who wants to chat), you find the filters and learn that if someone hasn't read your profile because why is a 20 year old guy messaging you, you can just delete the message. I'm cheap and use OKC because it is free and seems a bit 'classier' than POF (and let's remember, I met the lying, cheating Bat on POF). I hate my profile and feel like I need to tell any guy who contacts me that my photos are current except for the hair because this bitch didn't listen to me when I got it cut a month ago and so it is shorter than I want it but don't worry, it is still down to my shoulders, not like, a pixie cut.
Then you start talking to guys and getting to know one another online and that is exhausting. You have to be really careful in what you say and you fuck up and intimate something without meaning to and then have to trip over your feet apologizing and trying to explain. Then the guy wants to move to text because that is some how easier for them (I guess they just work from their phones and clicking on the app is too much for them?) So you text. The thing with texting is that you either feel compelled to explain why you haven't been responding (bitch, I have a life and luncheables are not going to purchase themselves and come marching to my door) or else tell the dude who apologizes for not getting back to you that it's cool because they feel that same sort of pressure to not seem rude.
I remember my first ever boyfriend saying - we were exes at this point - that it was fucked up for me to leave my first ever cell phone in my car because it made it harder for people to get a hold of me. I told him I didn't need people to be able to get in contact with me as soon as they fucking wanted and I only had the thing because my mom made me because I just started driving. But that was over ten years ago and people are now used to immediacy and shit and I enable it because I MUST ALWAYS KNOW IF SOMEONE HAS TEXTED ME HOPEFULLY THAT GOOD LOOKING GUY WHO SAID I'M PRETTY!
Then you set up a date and freak the fuck out. On the one hand, it gives you a reprieve (maybe) because since you've booked a date or meet up or whatever, you'll see the person soon so you can stop texting so god damned much. Seriously, my phone has been playing the harp sound notification sound all day and as nice as the attention is and as nice as these guys are, it's too much for me. I don't mind living alone and being on my own during the weekends because I'm peopled out by Thursday. So this all day of texting three different guys is just a bit much.
Then you go on the meet up or date and feel awkward and nervous and keep telling yourself "I swear to god, if you embarrass me I will never forgive you" and are so on edge you leave forgetting half of the conversation. Maybe you set up a second date and things work out. Maybe you go on a couple of dates before something happens that kills all romantic interest on your part and you shut down your profile because who wants to go through all that work to be disappointed again?
It really is the pits. So I thought, let's try this again, shall we? I have a meetup (tap water dive bar) on Tuesday evening and one for coffee on Wednesday afternoon. And there is still one guy I'm texting with that hasn't suggested anything but that will probably happen because we have a lot in common and seemed to like each other. Then there is that guy I'm going to have to tell to cast his line elsewhere because there is just something about him I'm not into and I hate doing that even though we are all adults.
But maybe this time I'll at least get to the awkward first time we have sex stage. I'll keep you posted.
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