Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
If you ever ask me to leave my apartment around 4:30 PM on a Saturday, I will tell you to go fuck yourself. To be fair, I will never ask you to come over at that time. Evidently, that is when ALL the people are on the main road outside of my apartment complex. I legit thought there must be an accident or something, especially considering the number of people outside the Stop Shop place around the corner but nope, just a lot of peeps out and about. Doesn't help that I live just off a major highway.
Speaking of the Stop Shop (no idea the name but it is essentially a convenience store without the gas pumps [there is a gas station next door]). I have gone there twice and both times I have been offered 'green'. The first time was funny because a young woman approached me and I didn't hear what she said so I said "I'm sorry?" in that questioning voice that says "pardon me, I didn't hear you." She immediately apologized and it turned out she was asking if I would like to buy some sweet Mary Jane from her but obviously, in her mind, given my appearance and my manners, I would not be interested. The second time I went I was buying beer and someone in line offered. Now I always take note of how many people are hanging around out front because I know the deal. Today when I left at the ill timed hour of 4:45? There was a lady in a fucking camping chair in the parking lot. I'm not even making that up (another reason I figured there must be an accident).
I also know that there is at least one person who sleeps under the overpass at the first intersection when I get onto the main road.
My area is so low rent that when I went to a bar for dinner last night, I ordered water and was given straight up tap water. And tap water in Texas (at least in the areas I've lived) tastes like dirt and metal.
Leaving the grocery store I heard what sounded like a gunshot and didn't even flinch. It wasn't a gun shot, I'm sure, seeing as I heard no follow up screams, panic, or yells to run, but you'd think I'd have hustled to my car. I am far too laid back in my area given that I'm afraid to get my mail when the sun has gone down.
Stupid Grown Up Stuff
As you may remember, I turned 34 on December 8th. There is a lot of shit you just figure out once you are living in your own apartment and paying your own rent and car insurance and shit. You somehow just know how to set up your electricity and wireless when moving to a new place and you fall into a regular pattern of making sure you get oil changes when necessary. Hell, I know a lot about health benefits because of my previous gigs in my company. But here is something that I cannot figure out and it is really fucking stupid; the only bottoms I wear these days are jeans or skirts because I can't figure out trousers and have trouble with belts.
I don't even know if it is fair to say I wear a belt lately because mine consists of the thin material between the leather of a former belt. It was the Bat's and when he stripped the leather off his broken belt, I for some reason thought I should start using it. I do so because pants are tricky as fuck and the last few times I've attempted them, the fuckers were hipsters and kept falling down once I lost weight so I HAD to use a belt. Even now that I only wear jeans, they are old and don't fit so a belt is necessary and I tend to buy ones that turn out to be too big and all that leather makes for a nice, big bulge just above my hips.
How is it that I am in near my late thirties and don't know how to buy a proper belt? No one ever taught me what the length should be so I always go for a large and then end up needing to drill holees into it and have all this excess leather. I'm not so OMG skinny and humble bragging. In actuality, a medium would probably do the trick as I'm average sized but I get anxious when I try them because I don't know what I should be measuring as I am NEVER wearing jeans when I randomly decide to look at the cheap ass belts at Target.
I understand the how ludicrous and hilarious it is to say that I can't figure out pants in 2015 but it is aggravating and embarrassing. When people at work ask me why I wear so many skirts and dresses I used to tell them, truthfully, that I was upping my wardrobe game. But when I talked with my mother about the tops she sent me for my birthday and she told me that I would have to figure out trousers on my own because the size, fit, etc was too much, I told her, shamefacedly, that I knew that and that I only wear jeans and skirts these days because I can't figure that shit out.
I can change my own oil and I am one of those jerks who looks forward to tax time but I can't work a pair of pants.
I Hate People
So I was at the store earlier (in case you didn't catch earlier references) and I almost threw up when I saw that Valentine's shit is already up. I've already spent my birthday and New Year's on my own only to be reminded that I am sad and lonely and unloved and will die alone with my suddenly needy cat. I texted my girlfriend, Spectero, about it and she said something like 'gross, right?' I texted her back essentially saying that now I can't reactivate my dating profile because mother fuckers will assume it's to avoid being alone on OMG LOVE DAY. But that bitch is married - to her second husband no less - so can't really sympathize. Actually, come to think of it, I think I'm the only single girl I know in Texas.
Last year was a total let down and I had a boyfriend at the time so maybe it won't be so bad, crying into my wine glass and confusing the shit out of Bubbles. it's not like I'm in school any more so don't have to see people carrying around heart lolipops and shit that they were given. Valentine's Day has never been that big a deal to me but I've racked up enough exes to now be a bitter old spinster who just KNOWS that every ex is going to be doting upon their newest girlfriend in ways they never doted upon me because the assholes suddenly learned to appreciate women and be kind to them in ways they never were to me.
In actuality, those girls will be treated just as badly as I was or else be equal assholes and perfect for their new mates and no one will win but at least they won't be pariahs like my old, single ass. But have you dated? Dude, I never dated in my life save for three dates with J and then the only stuff when I moved to Texas. I haven't reactivated my profile because 'need to be alone with myself and make sure I'm emotionally available' and blah blah fuckity blah but also because I'm super lazy and don't feel like going through the headache of weeding out people on OK Cupid, finding the ones who have read my profile and who aren't over the age of 40 or with kids or some shit (because I'm clear in my profile regarding the age range the no kids thing) and finding someone decent. Then I do find someone decent but end up with no romantic attraction towards them and so feel like I ran a marathon in record time but forgot to set my god damn stop watch and I'm too tired to go through all the training again.
But I need to just buck up and either put myself out there or go all radio silence in the month of February and ignore VDay just like I ignore Christmas. That's one of the benefits of living where I do though, I seriously doubt I'll see extreme shows of affection or love here because we are all too poor and sad for that shit.
Happy 2015! I know, I sound all sad and bitter don't I? Live in a bad area, can't figure out pants, and am alone. But whatev, I live on my own so no one can see me pop zits in the bathroom or sit around drinking wine and watching netflix pantless in my living room, and no one can wrestle control of what it is that I watch on Netflix. And I have a car and a job and a washer/dryer so I'm actually pretty happy. I just need to shop at Indian stores or some shit where I don't have to see the heart shaped boxes of candy.
Or there is always Tinder, right?
If you ever ask me to leave my apartment around 4:30 PM on a Saturday, I will tell you to go fuck yourself. To be fair, I will never ask you to come over at that time. Evidently, that is when ALL the people are on the main road outside of my apartment complex. I legit thought there must be an accident or something, especially considering the number of people outside the Stop Shop place around the corner but nope, just a lot of peeps out and about. Doesn't help that I live just off a major highway.
Speaking of the Stop Shop (no idea the name but it is essentially a convenience store without the gas pumps [there is a gas station next door]). I have gone there twice and both times I have been offered 'green'. The first time was funny because a young woman approached me and I didn't hear what she said so I said "I'm sorry?" in that questioning voice that says "pardon me, I didn't hear you." She immediately apologized and it turned out she was asking if I would like to buy some sweet Mary Jane from her but obviously, in her mind, given my appearance and my manners, I would not be interested. The second time I went I was buying beer and someone in line offered. Now I always take note of how many people are hanging around out front because I know the deal. Today when I left at the ill timed hour of 4:45? There was a lady in a fucking camping chair in the parking lot. I'm not even making that up (another reason I figured there must be an accident).
I also know that there is at least one person who sleeps under the overpass at the first intersection when I get onto the main road.
My area is so low rent that when I went to a bar for dinner last night, I ordered water and was given straight up tap water. And tap water in Texas (at least in the areas I've lived) tastes like dirt and metal.
Leaving the grocery store I heard what sounded like a gunshot and didn't even flinch. It wasn't a gun shot, I'm sure, seeing as I heard no follow up screams, panic, or yells to run, but you'd think I'd have hustled to my car. I am far too laid back in my area given that I'm afraid to get my mail when the sun has gone down.
Stupid Grown Up Stuff
As you may remember, I turned 34 on December 8th. There is a lot of shit you just figure out once you are living in your own apartment and paying your own rent and car insurance and shit. You somehow just know how to set up your electricity and wireless when moving to a new place and you fall into a regular pattern of making sure you get oil changes when necessary. Hell, I know a lot about health benefits because of my previous gigs in my company. But here is something that I cannot figure out and it is really fucking stupid; the only bottoms I wear these days are jeans or skirts because I can't figure out trousers and have trouble with belts.
I don't even know if it is fair to say I wear a belt lately because mine consists of the thin material between the leather of a former belt. It was the Bat's and when he stripped the leather off his broken belt, I for some reason thought I should start using it. I do so because pants are tricky as fuck and the last few times I've attempted them, the fuckers were hipsters and kept falling down once I lost weight so I HAD to use a belt. Even now that I only wear jeans, they are old and don't fit so a belt is necessary and I tend to buy ones that turn out to be too big and all that leather makes for a nice, big bulge just above my hips.
How is it that I am in near my late thirties and don't know how to buy a proper belt? No one ever taught me what the length should be so I always go for a large and then end up needing to drill holees into it and have all this excess leather. I'm not so OMG skinny and humble bragging. In actuality, a medium would probably do the trick as I'm average sized but I get anxious when I try them because I don't know what I should be measuring as I am NEVER wearing jeans when I randomly decide to look at the cheap ass belts at Target.
I understand the how ludicrous and hilarious it is to say that I can't figure out pants in 2015 but it is aggravating and embarrassing. When people at work ask me why I wear so many skirts and dresses I used to tell them, truthfully, that I was upping my wardrobe game. But when I talked with my mother about the tops she sent me for my birthday and she told me that I would have to figure out trousers on my own because the size, fit, etc was too much, I told her, shamefacedly, that I knew that and that I only wear jeans and skirts these days because I can't figure that shit out.
I can change my own oil and I am one of those jerks who looks forward to tax time but I can't work a pair of pants.
I Hate People
So I was at the store earlier (in case you didn't catch earlier references) and I almost threw up when I saw that Valentine's shit is already up. I've already spent my birthday and New Year's on my own only to be reminded that I am sad and lonely and unloved and will die alone with my suddenly needy cat. I texted my girlfriend, Spectero, about it and she said something like 'gross, right?' I texted her back essentially saying that now I can't reactivate my dating profile because mother fuckers will assume it's to avoid being alone on OMG LOVE DAY. But that bitch is married - to her second husband no less - so can't really sympathize. Actually, come to think of it, I think I'm the only single girl I know in Texas.
Last year was a total let down and I had a boyfriend at the time so maybe it won't be so bad, crying into my wine glass and confusing the shit out of Bubbles. it's not like I'm in school any more so don't have to see people carrying around heart lolipops and shit that they were given. Valentine's Day has never been that big a deal to me but I've racked up enough exes to now be a bitter old spinster who just KNOWS that every ex is going to be doting upon their newest girlfriend in ways they never doted upon me because the assholes suddenly learned to appreciate women and be kind to them in ways they never were to me.
In actuality, those girls will be treated just as badly as I was or else be equal assholes and perfect for their new mates and no one will win but at least they won't be pariahs like my old, single ass. But have you dated? Dude, I never dated in my life save for three dates with J and then the only stuff when I moved to Texas. I haven't reactivated my profile because 'need to be alone with myself and make sure I'm emotionally available' and blah blah fuckity blah but also because I'm super lazy and don't feel like going through the headache of weeding out people on OK Cupid, finding the ones who have read my profile and who aren't over the age of 40 or with kids or some shit (because I'm clear in my profile regarding the age range the no kids thing) and finding someone decent. Then I do find someone decent but end up with no romantic attraction towards them and so feel like I ran a marathon in record time but forgot to set my god damn stop watch and I'm too tired to go through all the training again.
But I need to just buck up and either put myself out there or go all radio silence in the month of February and ignore VDay just like I ignore Christmas. That's one of the benefits of living where I do though, I seriously doubt I'll see extreme shows of affection or love here because we are all too poor and sad for that shit.
Happy 2015! I know, I sound all sad and bitter don't I? Live in a bad area, can't figure out pants, and am alone. But whatev, I live on my own so no one can see me pop zits in the bathroom or sit around drinking wine and watching netflix pantless in my living room, and no one can wrestle control of what it is that I watch on Netflix. And I have a car and a job and a washer/dryer so I'm actually pretty happy. I just need to shop at Indian stores or some shit where I don't have to see the heart shaped boxes of candy.
Or there is always Tinder, right?
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