You know what I'm surprisingly bad about at times? Expressing myself appropriately or thinking things through before I say them. With regards to not expressing myself appropriately, I end up sounding like an idiot and sending email after email trying to clarify what it is I meant. One of my ex boyfriends and I used to get in huge fights because he would never talk on the phone and then he'd take something I sent in a text or email wrong and no matter how much I tried to explain, he'd just call me a liar and decide that I meant what he thought. That was awesome.
Worse is the not thinking things through. This has happened twice (at least) with the Bat and I just now did it, which is what gave me the idea for this post. Today I made a joke and it was so tasteless and ill advised given the history between me and the Bat that I should have known it would come off as hurtful. That's something that just tears me up when it happens, my hurting someone when I had no intention to.
Because I don't like to hurt people. Sure, if you hurt me and we are arguing I will make a few digs but I generally don't go for the jugular and I certainly don't try to wound when I'm just joking around. Hurting someone with malice is terrible and doing it by accident is ... I don't even know. When I do it I end up feeling ashamed, stupid, and like the person I hurt will never, ever believe that I didn't mean it. I'm a smart girl but I fuck things up on occasion because I fail to think them through. But when you are a smart and sarcastic person, I can imagine it must be difficult to believe you when you say "I didn't mean it!" after you've said something that offended the other party.
I'm also disappointed because he and I were finally getting along and were chatting back and forth and then I put my foot in it. So I broke down our relations and upset somebody.
And I hear you out there, telling me not to be upset considering how much he has hurt me in the past. But that doesn't matter. Just because you hurt me doesn't mean I have any desire to hurt you, especially if we are getting along.
I feel like an ass.
UPDATE
Callous, that's what it is. I was callous and thoughtless and just spit out a remark without thinking for a moment and my god why do I do things like that?
UPDATE 2
Oh my god! I just realized that if the Bat and I were in opposite sides of all that has happened, I would be sitting here thinking he was getting along with me and chatting with me just waiting for the right time to throw something really mean and hurtful at me. How is it that I do things like that? It wasn't subconscious or anything, it just was a terrible error in judgment based on peoples' names. God I'm dumb
Worse is the not thinking things through. This has happened twice (at least) with the Bat and I just now did it, which is what gave me the idea for this post. Today I made a joke and it was so tasteless and ill advised given the history between me and the Bat that I should have known it would come off as hurtful. That's something that just tears me up when it happens, my hurting someone when I had no intention to.
Because I don't like to hurt people. Sure, if you hurt me and we are arguing I will make a few digs but I generally don't go for the jugular and I certainly don't try to wound when I'm just joking around. Hurting someone with malice is terrible and doing it by accident is ... I don't even know. When I do it I end up feeling ashamed, stupid, and like the person I hurt will never, ever believe that I didn't mean it. I'm a smart girl but I fuck things up on occasion because I fail to think them through. But when you are a smart and sarcastic person, I can imagine it must be difficult to believe you when you say "I didn't mean it!" after you've said something that offended the other party.
I'm also disappointed because he and I were finally getting along and were chatting back and forth and then I put my foot in it. So I broke down our relations and upset somebody.
And I hear you out there, telling me not to be upset considering how much he has hurt me in the past. But that doesn't matter. Just because you hurt me doesn't mean I have any desire to hurt you, especially if we are getting along.
I feel like an ass.
UPDATE
Callous, that's what it is. I was callous and thoughtless and just spit out a remark without thinking for a moment and my god why do I do things like that?
UPDATE 2
Oh my god! I just realized that if the Bat and I were in opposite sides of all that has happened, I would be sitting here thinking he was getting along with me and chatting with me just waiting for the right time to throw something really mean and hurtful at me. How is it that I do things like that? It wasn't subconscious or anything, it just was a terrible error in judgment based on peoples' names. God I'm dumb
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