Step 1
First, you want to find the shittiest provider you possibly can. If you are lucky, your apartment complex will be contracted to said shittiest provider and so that part of the work will be done for you. Of course, this will depend on your area or region but we'll have to use my experience as an example. We'll call my provider Wime Tarner, to protect the company's privacy.
Step 2
Call shitty provider to set up service and request an appointment. Get through the process and to the point where they have to verify your social security number only to be told that they cannot process your order because there is a pending one under your name, SSN, or phone number.
Step 3
Call the customer service line that the first guy gave you. Explain the situation and listen to the girl on the other end of the line kind of titter and pretty much admit that she has no idea what you are talking about. Have her transfer you to tech support (do not question this, just let her do it). Please note that whenever you talk to anyone, you will be asked for your address to see if there is service there under your name, regardless of the fact that you are trying to set up service for that address for the first time.
Step 4
Talk to the tech support guy and explain the whole situation again. Have him type in your phone number and social to have him tell you that there is a pending order under your name, SSN, or phone number and that he cannot get you hooked up. Wait patiently while he transfers you to billing.
Step 5
Once you get the billing chick on the line, proceed to once again explain your issue and have her repeat things back to you. Make sure to give her your phone number at least three times and explain to her the issue at least twice. This way, when she suddenly feels confident, she'll be able to tell you what the issue is as if she just figured it out. Then wait while she gets her manager.
Step 6
Have the billing chick make noises that clearly demonstrate that she was fucking shit up and she just figured it out. Give her your phone number again, as well as your social security number. Go through everything one last time and then have the manager push through the order and schedule a guy to come out a week later between 3 and 4PM.
Step 7
Leave work 2 hours early the day of to make sure you are home when the guy calls you. That was smart because even though he wasn't due until 3-4, he calls you at 2:20 and says he'll be there in five minutes.
Step 8
Spend the next 90 minutes watching the guy go in and out of your apartment and make numerous calls before he puts you on with dispatch who explains that he cannot hook up your service because the lines are buried/cannot be found. When you first get the phone, stand up from the chair in which you'd been seated and damn near collapse because your leg fell asleep. Swear at the lady twice and then explain that you'd almost fallen three times because your leg was numb. Demand that the lady confirm that you can expect the people to come out the next day between 8 and 10 AM as that is what she said. Once confirmed, tell dude peace, and text someone you work with to send out a notice that you will be in late the next day.
Step 9
Next day, putter around the apartment waiting for the Wime Tarner people to show up. Make a sandwich for lunch, take care of your pets, and finish yet another book you've been reading because you don't have internet. When no one shows up by ten, take your work stuff (forgetting your lunch) and get in your car to call Wime Tarner.
Step 10
Verify for the recording lady that the phone number she has is correct. Have her then inform you that you have an appointment scheduled for the next day between 5 and 6 PM. Near tears of rage, scream "representative."
Step 11
Explain the situation to "Mike", the customer rep and ask what the fuck is going on. Pay attention to the road and not your anger when "Mike" tells you that your appointment today was canceled and no, he doesn't know why you weren't informed. Then find out that there are two appointments for the next day, only one of which you have to be there for, and that you will get $20 off since they fucked up their installation guarantee. Also find out that you will get $20 off each time they fuck up.
Step 12
Apologize to "Mike" several times and make sure he knows that your anger isn't directed at him but that this has been a very frustrating process.
Step 13
Complete your commute in angry silence, park, make a note of where you parked since it isn't your usual area, and walk, still fuming, into the building.
Step 14
Tell everyone about the fiasco and cross every finger and toe you have that you will have mother fucking internet by 7PM Thursday at the latest.
Step 15
Google bars in your area so that you have something to do tonight since you have to cancel girls' night and are tired of being in your wireless-less apartment.
Step 16
Write a blog post about it in hopes of having it calm you down.
First, you want to find the shittiest provider you possibly can. If you are lucky, your apartment complex will be contracted to said shittiest provider and so that part of the work will be done for you. Of course, this will depend on your area or region but we'll have to use my experience as an example. We'll call my provider Wime Tarner, to protect the company's privacy.
Step 2
Call shitty provider to set up service and request an appointment. Get through the process and to the point where they have to verify your social security number only to be told that they cannot process your order because there is a pending one under your name, SSN, or phone number.
Step 3
Call the customer service line that the first guy gave you. Explain the situation and listen to the girl on the other end of the line kind of titter and pretty much admit that she has no idea what you are talking about. Have her transfer you to tech support (do not question this, just let her do it). Please note that whenever you talk to anyone, you will be asked for your address to see if there is service there under your name, regardless of the fact that you are trying to set up service for that address for the first time.
Step 4
Talk to the tech support guy and explain the whole situation again. Have him type in your phone number and social to have him tell you that there is a pending order under your name, SSN, or phone number and that he cannot get you hooked up. Wait patiently while he transfers you to billing.
Step 5
Once you get the billing chick on the line, proceed to once again explain your issue and have her repeat things back to you. Make sure to give her your phone number at least three times and explain to her the issue at least twice. This way, when she suddenly feels confident, she'll be able to tell you what the issue is as if she just figured it out. Then wait while she gets her manager.
Step 6
Have the billing chick make noises that clearly demonstrate that she was fucking shit up and she just figured it out. Give her your phone number again, as well as your social security number. Go through everything one last time and then have the manager push through the order and schedule a guy to come out a week later between 3 and 4PM.
Step 7
Leave work 2 hours early the day of to make sure you are home when the guy calls you. That was smart because even though he wasn't due until 3-4, he calls you at 2:20 and says he'll be there in five minutes.
Step 8
Spend the next 90 minutes watching the guy go in and out of your apartment and make numerous calls before he puts you on with dispatch who explains that he cannot hook up your service because the lines are buried/cannot be found. When you first get the phone, stand up from the chair in which you'd been seated and damn near collapse because your leg fell asleep. Swear at the lady twice and then explain that you'd almost fallen three times because your leg was numb. Demand that the lady confirm that you can expect the people to come out the next day between 8 and 10 AM as that is what she said. Once confirmed, tell dude peace, and text someone you work with to send out a notice that you will be in late the next day.
Step 9
Next day, putter around the apartment waiting for the Wime Tarner people to show up. Make a sandwich for lunch, take care of your pets, and finish yet another book you've been reading because you don't have internet. When no one shows up by ten, take your work stuff (forgetting your lunch) and get in your car to call Wime Tarner.
Step 10
Verify for the recording lady that the phone number she has is correct. Have her then inform you that you have an appointment scheduled for the next day between 5 and 6 PM. Near tears of rage, scream "representative."
Step 11
Explain the situation to "Mike", the customer rep and ask what the fuck is going on. Pay attention to the road and not your anger when "Mike" tells you that your appointment today was canceled and no, he doesn't know why you weren't informed. Then find out that there are two appointments for the next day, only one of which you have to be there for, and that you will get $20 off since they fucked up their installation guarantee. Also find out that you will get $20 off each time they fuck up.
Step 12
Apologize to "Mike" several times and make sure he knows that your anger isn't directed at him but that this has been a very frustrating process.
Step 13
Complete your commute in angry silence, park, make a note of where you parked since it isn't your usual area, and walk, still fuming, into the building.
Step 14
Tell everyone about the fiasco and cross every finger and toe you have that you will have mother fucking internet by 7PM Thursday at the latest.
Step 15
Google bars in your area so that you have something to do tonight since you have to cancel girls' night and are tired of being in your wireless-less apartment.
Step 16
Write a blog post about it in hopes of having it calm you down.
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