One of my better qualities, one that I've had for a surprisingly long time, is that I will always own my part of the blame and will always hold myself accountable. If I fuck up, I own it, I'll apologize (and mean it), and will do my best to make sure it doesn't happen again. This goes for work, friendships, and relationships. This is a good thing because it means I don't think I'm perfect or that things just happen to me and the world and the people in it are just unfair assholes. I can be, and have always been, very objective. I told my mother when I was about 18 years old, after she'd kicked me out of the house, that I knew she'd never done anything to intentionally hurt me, that she was a human being outside of just being my mom, and that I knew children didn't come with playbooks.
But that objectivity is a double edged sword with me. I can get angry at someone and people can hurt me but I can never, it seems, just be hurt or angry. Nope, I have to make it clear that I understand my part in whatever happened so that they understand I'm not trying to make it out like I'm a total victim. I essentially apologize whilst explaining why the person has hurt me. Last night is a good example.
I've mentioned before how the Bat would volunteer my time and services to drive his kid here or to do x y or z. I finally told him that it was totally disrespectful and told him not to do it again. He told me I could have just said "no" and I said "you could have just asked." Because it's never "can you take Monkey and her friend" or "after you guys get your nails done, can you drop them off at such and such a place?" It's "the girls are ready to go get their nails done and then you're going to drop them off at their school function." So we talked about it and he stopped doing that to me. Until last night when he said "Monkey and I are going to McKinney to look at a truck." I said "OK, have fun, good luck, drive safe." He came back a moment later and said "actually, you should go with us in case we buy the truck so you can drive my car back."
I didn't want to go. I had a bad day, I don't like doing a lot of driving after work (and this would entail a lot of driving) and I don't like driving other peoples' cars. But I went, because I'm an idiot and I think "it isn't fair to Monkey and they are most likely going to buy this truck and just go." But it wasn't fair to me so why don't I put myself first? Isn't that what we are supposed to do? Take care of ourselves so that we are happy and can take care of others? They have friends and family here in Texas. They have friends and family in McKinney. There were a number of people the Bat could have called but I never want to bother anyone or cause trouble so I just suck it up and do it.
The ride to McKinney sucked because it was rush hour. I was angry the entire time, angry at him and myself for being a doormat. We had plenty of time before the appointment so we stopped at a friend's house. That was awkward because I was so upset but didn't want to show it so I just focused on my friend and had a decent time. Then to the truck owner's home we go. Then a test drive that involved going to the Bat's parents' house so they could check it out. Dad wanted to take it for a spin so more waiting. Finally we get back and the Bat buys the truck and I get his keys and directions for how to get home because I don't have my phone. He gave me the wrong directions so, although I didn't get lost, I did go the wrong way for quite some time.
I got home, threw his keys at him, and yelled "it's a RIGHT on Eldorado". I was crying and had been for the entire trip. My only bright spot was that at my last red light I'd changed all his radio presets to NPR.
I did try telling him why I was upset (it wasn't just the bad directions and he says it was due to construction) but he just said "I'm sorry, I don't know what else you want me to say" in a tone that wasn't quite yelling but angry enough. So I let it go. We made it up and I apologized for throwing his keys (but not for changing his stations because that is just funny to me) and that was that.
But because I do not want to have any resentment, I emailed him this morning to explain why I was upset. That he'd once again volunteered my time and services and that it was even worse because he knows I hate driving after work and that I am really uncomfortable driving other peoples' cars (though I'm fine with his at this point, given all the driving I did yesterday). But I couldn't just say "here is why I'm upset" because I know his response, like every other person on this planet's response, would be "you could have just said no." I allowed myself to be treated like a doormat but I figured the least I could do was ask him not to put me in that situation again. I'm happy to help and participate and do my bit, but I felt like I was put into a position where if I said no, I would be fucking it up for everyone else. And for some reason, I actually care. I care about not fucking it up for everyone else.
But I also know that for the Bat, it is him and Monkey and that is that. That's fine. I know where I am in his life and I'm fine with that. But I refuse to live a life where I'm exist for what I can do for other people. He wouldn't have cared if he fucked it up for everyone else if he'd said no. He didn't even help me move. He took PTO for the Friday when my mother was here and was supposed to help me by going to the Arboretum or some other attraction, but instead blew us off to go look at trucks. He didn't care about how that affected anyone else. So why do I? On the one hand, I don't want to lose that part of me entirely because I think it's good to have empathy and compassion and to want to cause the least amount of trouble as possible. On the other, I don't want to be a doormat.
So my new goal for this year (way late with the resolutions), is to find a balance. Hopefully it won't be too hard to find. I will continue to be my sweet, obliging, helpful self, but one who can say "no" when needed and not feel like a brat about it.
Oh my god, my mother was right! I'm a people pleaser. As Tits said when I told her, now I know so I just need to figure out what to do about it.
But that objectivity is a double edged sword with me. I can get angry at someone and people can hurt me but I can never, it seems, just be hurt or angry. Nope, I have to make it clear that I understand my part in whatever happened so that they understand I'm not trying to make it out like I'm a total victim. I essentially apologize whilst explaining why the person has hurt me. Last night is a good example.
I've mentioned before how the Bat would volunteer my time and services to drive his kid here or to do x y or z. I finally told him that it was totally disrespectful and told him not to do it again. He told me I could have just said "no" and I said "you could have just asked." Because it's never "can you take Monkey and her friend" or "after you guys get your nails done, can you drop them off at such and such a place?" It's "the girls are ready to go get their nails done and then you're going to drop them off at their school function." So we talked about it and he stopped doing that to me. Until last night when he said "Monkey and I are going to McKinney to look at a truck." I said "OK, have fun, good luck, drive safe." He came back a moment later and said "actually, you should go with us in case we buy the truck so you can drive my car back."
I didn't want to go. I had a bad day, I don't like doing a lot of driving after work (and this would entail a lot of driving) and I don't like driving other peoples' cars. But I went, because I'm an idiot and I think "it isn't fair to Monkey and they are most likely going to buy this truck and just go." But it wasn't fair to me so why don't I put myself first? Isn't that what we are supposed to do? Take care of ourselves so that we are happy and can take care of others? They have friends and family here in Texas. They have friends and family in McKinney. There were a number of people the Bat could have called but I never want to bother anyone or cause trouble so I just suck it up and do it.
The ride to McKinney sucked because it was rush hour. I was angry the entire time, angry at him and myself for being a doormat. We had plenty of time before the appointment so we stopped at a friend's house. That was awkward because I was so upset but didn't want to show it so I just focused on my friend and had a decent time. Then to the truck owner's home we go. Then a test drive that involved going to the Bat's parents' house so they could check it out. Dad wanted to take it for a spin so more waiting. Finally we get back and the Bat buys the truck and I get his keys and directions for how to get home because I don't have my phone. He gave me the wrong directions so, although I didn't get lost, I did go the wrong way for quite some time.
I got home, threw his keys at him, and yelled "it's a RIGHT on Eldorado". I was crying and had been for the entire trip. My only bright spot was that at my last red light I'd changed all his radio presets to NPR.
I did try telling him why I was upset (it wasn't just the bad directions and he says it was due to construction) but he just said "I'm sorry, I don't know what else you want me to say" in a tone that wasn't quite yelling but angry enough. So I let it go. We made it up and I apologized for throwing his keys (but not for changing his stations because that is just funny to me) and that was that.
But because I do not want to have any resentment, I emailed him this morning to explain why I was upset. That he'd once again volunteered my time and services and that it was even worse because he knows I hate driving after work and that I am really uncomfortable driving other peoples' cars (though I'm fine with his at this point, given all the driving I did yesterday). But I couldn't just say "here is why I'm upset" because I know his response, like every other person on this planet's response, would be "you could have just said no." I allowed myself to be treated like a doormat but I figured the least I could do was ask him not to put me in that situation again. I'm happy to help and participate and do my bit, but I felt like I was put into a position where if I said no, I would be fucking it up for everyone else. And for some reason, I actually care. I care about not fucking it up for everyone else.
But I also know that for the Bat, it is him and Monkey and that is that. That's fine. I know where I am in his life and I'm fine with that. But I refuse to live a life where I'm exist for what I can do for other people. He wouldn't have cared if he fucked it up for everyone else if he'd said no. He didn't even help me move. He took PTO for the Friday when my mother was here and was supposed to help me by going to the Arboretum or some other attraction, but instead blew us off to go look at trucks. He didn't care about how that affected anyone else. So why do I? On the one hand, I don't want to lose that part of me entirely because I think it's good to have empathy and compassion and to want to cause the least amount of trouble as possible. On the other, I don't want to be a doormat.
So my new goal for this year (way late with the resolutions), is to find a balance. Hopefully it won't be too hard to find. I will continue to be my sweet, obliging, helpful self, but one who can say "no" when needed and not feel like a brat about it.
Oh my god, my mother was right! I'm a people pleaser. As Tits said when I told her, now I know so I just need to figure out what to do about it.
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