WAH

Today I discovered my love for the ctrl+f feature of Microsoft Office products. On Friday I worked from home with the goal of updating the reviewer panel for our marketing department; unfortunately, I had so much preliminary data entry to do that I didn't get a chance to do this task until today, Sunday. 5 hours of my weekend were spent entering physician specialties and merging spreadsheets in an effort to update a table with the number of reviewers my company has who specialize in Anesthesiology, Neonatal/Perinatal Medicine, Gynecologic Oncology, etc. My laptop, recently repaired after I damaged my LCD screen slipping and breaking my ass on the ice, was hooked up to our network through corporate's shitty system and I had to look at a PDF report whilst entering the specialties into a spreadsheet. Ctrl+f came in super handy because the spreadsheet was organized by last name and the PDF by specialty. Thus, my love. In fact, spreadsheets in general are pretty rad. You can filter by x criteria, hide columns, paste copied cells, etc. Who knew I would, at the age of 30, understand what the big damn deal about excel is?

Working at home isn't as great as I thought it might be. I do it from time to time because I like to wear trousers with an elastic waist, not having to worry about my appearance, and fewer phone calls. But without the distraction of colleagues with whom I can gossip, I end up working straight through hour  after hour. I get a ton of work done, which is a positive but I end up feeling like I'm trapped and tied to my desk. In the office, if I go and chat with someone for 15 minutes, that's fine. If I'm at home and want to take 15 minutes to read a magazine article, I feel guilty and like I have to work an extra 15 minutes at the end of the day. So double edge sword is working at home for me. But I will always take advantage of the opportunity when I can, just because.

Anybody there? Helloooooooo...

And just where the fuck have I been? Eating and drinking and getting as fat as possible apparently. That and drawing odd Frosty the Snowman pictures to screw with a chick who works at our New Jersey office. That's what I'm going to do with this post, actually, attempt to recreate the pictorial e-mail conversation.

It began with a request for work-related crap, a plea for me to keep the snow in the Mid-west, and a simple request for a comic to cheer her up because she had enjoyed the last one. I drew something like this and apologized for the crappier than usual nature as I'd only spent two minutes.

The girl from the NJ office, who I shall refer to as Ann Smith, replied with something like "Oh no! Please, I love Frosty. We need a hunky fireman with a big hose to put out the flame!" To which I responded, "oh shit, I guess you won't like my latest comic then" with the following picture:

 

Ann's response was understandable. "OMFG!!! That's even worse! Frosty is a murderer!!! Stop it! Can you hear my wails of pain all the way in Ohio?????" 

My response? 

 (the font is a little off because I had to change her name). 

To this, Ann yelped: "STOP!!!!  Frosty is a sweet loving snowman!  Not a diabolical maniac!!!  You need to come back from the Dark Side......"I of course, made him sweet, as seen below.

I didn't hear back from Ann for awhile so I actually recalled this message for fear that I may have gone too far. But I eventually asked if she wanted to see it and she said something like "I'm over here pissing myself". I made her give me something better, that sounded like I offended her so that I could end with this:

 

 So there you have it, folks, what it is that has kept me from this blog. 

Can you imagine what it is like to live in a place where bombs go off every day? Where you cannot go to buy groceries or to go to school without wondering if today is the day that a suicide bomber might take your life?

Can you image what it is like to live in a place where all you have around you is the destruction caused by a natural disaster?

2 4 6 8 Who Do You Appreciate?

Apples and Oranges

You may have noticed some 'cartoons' regarding an assumed battle betwixt apples and pears. For some reason, I've decided to pursue this as a series and plan to 'publish' it eventually when it is completed. I just find the idea personally hilarious. Are you familiar with George Carlin? I don't know his entire catalog but am familiar with his type of comedy and have listened to one of his albums. There is a pause for a "commercial break" that goes something like this:

And now a word from the American Apple Grower's Association   

 FUCK PEARS!!!!

That was the initial inspiration that led me to draw cartoons of badass apples. Most recently I've brought in a tomato as a possible ally. And at this point, you are all bored stiff.

Sierra Nevada

It is currently 5 degrees outside with a "real feel" of negative 6. Ah Winter! I love Winter and all it's frigid goodness. And I've been unbelievably fortunate since moving to the Midwest because, somehow, I've managed to escape the truly terrible snow events that one thinks of when one thinks of the area. I'm in central Ohio, south of the snow belt, and in the last 3 1/2 years have only suffered through one blizzard and even that had the courtesy of occurring on a Friday so that no work was missed, which was especially important to me as I was still temping at the time. We received 5 or so inches of snow yesterday and whilst it did pile up, the roads are, for the most part, perfectly fine and my commute to and from work was uneventful. It is the bitter chill that we are really dealing with now and even that isn't as bad as other places. But public schools were closed today because of the cold.

Isn't that super weird? Schools close because it is too cold for kids to wait at the bus stop. Do you remember freezing your bollocks off waiting on the bus? Do you remember the way your lungs hurt because you were running late and had to run for the bus in the cold, your tongue pulsating and tasting like metal, having more than the usual amount of trouble trying to catch your breath as your cold face slowly bled from red to white? This evening I went to the store and on my way to and from the car I thought "fuck! yes, let the kids stay home; it is too fucking cold." But you know what? J had a point when we were discussing this yesterday. These kids, who don't have to go to school because it is too cold, will they be prepared for adulthood when they will be expected to go to work even if it is uber cold? I don't know what I think, myself but I do know that what I felt this evening is something I'd like to protect children from... and I don't even like children all that much! And besides, just because I had to wait in the cold doesn't mean I think others should have to. I really don't want to become one of those who says "in my day..."

Football

I am really looking forward to the playoffs this weekend. My predictions, as I've stated them, are Green Bay and Jets, but I'd really enjoy seeing Bears Stealers at the Superbowl, even though I'm conflicted about that. Yes, I'd like Chicago and Pittsburgh to go head to head because they strike me as blue collar teams that I'd like to see go head to head but, at the same time, I feel a certain amount of animosity towards Pitt for beating the Ravens, a team I root for only because Flacco and I went to the same university so I would be super pleased if it was Jets Bears.

But mainly, I can't believe I am into football this much, given who I am.

Conversation between me and the mister

ME: "Do you know who the Black Eyed Peas are?"

J: "I vaguely know that they are a hip hop group and that there is a girl in it who is famous."

ME: "Yeah, they are a really famous hip hop group."

J: "Well, what do you want from me?"

ME: " One of the members, Apl.de.ap, has a condition called nystagmus and his eyeballs constantly vibrate. He is, essentially blind."

J: "Well, tell Apple Jacks to go see a fucking doctor and to leave people alone."

ME: "..."

And So It Begins...

Tribute to George Carlin