Commitment Phobic

I never would have imagined it but I've evidently become somewhat phobic of commitment. I broke up with the Bat (again). He didn't do anything wrong and I'm not upset with him. I just feel like something is missing and that he and I were both wasting time by being together. In retrospect, I regret my decision, especially as it's pretty final. I like commitment. I'm good at commitment. I never really understood what commitment-phobic meant before and assumed it was an excuse for cheating. Nope. Well, it isn't for me. For me it is really ridiculous. I'm afraid of being the Bat's girlfriend because I'm afraid I'll get hurt or he'll break up with me.

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I know, it makes zero sense but that's what it feels like. I feel like I'm never going to have the type of relationship I want with him because I won't let myself. He says he loves me and I hear it and I believe him but I refuse to feel it. I don't want to get hurt again so I figured I'd just be alone and unhappy. Because we all know I make really great decisions. 

The worst part is that he has worked really, really hard and has made some major changes, which is difficult for anyone over the age of five. It pisses me off that he worked that hard just for me to be a pain in the ass and it pisses me off that someone else will benefit from it because I peaced out one too many times.

One of the worst things is feeling that I figured out what my issue is but only after it's too late. Because the Bat previously did things that really hurt me, I've been stigmatizing myself for having ever given him a second chance. Because I'm the type of person who never understood why a man or woman would take back someone who cheated on them, lied to them, or hurt them in some manner. I would always shake my head and think "s/he'll just do it again you idiot" without understanding that I know diddly squat about other peoples' lives. So I've been treating myself like that and feeling ashamed of myself for having allowed someone to hurt me only to give him another chance.

But the Bat isn't a cheater by nature. And, as I said, he worked very hard to make a few changes in himself, all for the better. My conflicted emotions led me to lash out at him at times because yes, he did hurt me. But I think I got through that. I think my lashing out was a defensive reflex triggered by my own feelings of what are you doing, dummy? He's a bad guy! Only idiots go back to bad guys! 

And I regret it. I regret a lot of things. And I really, really need to learn to think through everything before I make a decision because I just let go of some happiness all because I was judging myself through a fucked up filter.

So, you know, good times in the life of Simply just now. Hopefully I'll get over it soon.