Oh Mother....

My mother is frequently extremely unintentionally hilarious. And it NEVER ceases to surprise me. This afternoon I had a hysterical reminder.

I signed up for an online dating site on Friday and I ended up going on a really nice date yesterday. Great guy, super nice, my height, very affectionate, totally digs me, blah blah blah. We went to "the lake" and had some beers and swam for hours and hours (I have a sunburn on my forehead of all fucking places). And it was just fun.

So, in the spirit of trying to be a better daughter, I emailed my mother today. Here is what I said, verbatim:

Are you going to Maryland this week for Eldest Brother's appointment?

I went on a date yesterday. I met a guy on a dating site and we went to 'the lake' (going to the lake is a Texas thing) and it was nice. It was hot, the water was warm, and I think I may have narrowly missed getting a sunburn on my face (hoping my forehead goes tan!)

He works in collision repairing and restoring cars that have been in accidents. 37, has a 15 year old daughter who primarily resides with the mother. He lives with his parents and was very up front about it. When he got out of his last relationship he was looking for a new place and his step dad talked to him about moving home because he (step dad) had been laid off and they could use help with the mortgage. His mom talked to him about it too, separately, so he figured, what the hell.

Rough around the edges, definitely and outdoorsy country sort of guy. Very nice and I'll see him again but you know, first dates don't tell you everything.

Me 

My mother's response? Everything about it is just priceless, from start to finish. I'm not making this up and I'm not altering anything. I swear.

You are not supposed to do the on line date thing. Only group stuff. What if he did something horrible, no one would know who dun it nor where to look for you. Please don't make me worry about you.

I go to DC Thursday Teacher leave for the Al Qeida area Friday 

The best part, obviously, is the comment about  my middle brother going to "A Qeida area" on Friday. I laughed so hard and so loud at that because at first I thought maybe she did it inadvertently but then I realized that these are the scenarios she now has going through her head:

1. Her naive, stupid daughter is putting herself in risky situations with strange men. It is only a matter of time before I go missing and years will pass before pieces of my dismembered corpse will be found built into the foundation of a new strip mall.
2. Her middle child is going to be moving not to Abu Dhabi but to a country that is under the death grip of the Taliban and where American's are slaughtered the moment they clear customs. 

It's a wonder we tell her anything at all, isn't it?