It almost feels wrong to be crying for myself when such a horrific event has taken place but no matter what goes on in the world, we still have our own lives.
Viking died tonight. My mother called me. I heard her ring tone and sort of knew. She told me that it was over, that Viking had passed 10 minutes earlier. I was the first she wanted to tell because she knew how upset I was.
I knew it would be today. Today is my niece's fourth birthday. Viking used to tell me that she knew when my birthday was because it was the same day her mother died, December 9th. I was born December 8th but I guess my great grandmother died on December 9th and it was so close that she got it confused. Well, Viking died on December 15th and when it happened, it was already December 16th where my niece lives.
I am devastated, obviously, but for me. I know it is for the best. She's at peace now, without the pain and the confusion. She is no longer suffering. But I just wasn't ready for it. And I'm so sorry for my mom. She got off the phone with me quickly. "I have to go because I can tell that you are going to lose it and if you lose it I will too." My poor mother, who has never been good at telling me the bad news, so bad in fact, that she used to make Teacher tell me. This time she had to tell me and it was the worst news thus far.
I called my cousin to let her know and she was incredibly sweet, asking if I had someone who could come stay with me. She and her brother weren't as close with Viking because of where they lived. But she was so kind that I was touched.
I ended up going to my neighbor's apartment. She is a grandmother and we are friendly and she was so nice and hugged me and sat and talked with me. Her little granddaughter had a card and a stuffed reindeer she wanted to give me. They were the best thing for me. Neighbor and I talked and reminisced about our grandmothers and it calmed me so much.
I knew this was coming. I felt in my bones that it would be today. But I also thought I'd handle it better. I was wrong.
One of the things Neighbor and I talked about was the things we wanted from our grandmothers after they passed. The one thing I'd like is a sewing box that I grew up seeing. But, as I told Neighbor, if I don't get anything, I'll still walk away with more than most because I've kept a journal for 22 years and so I have my memories. I remember Viking teaching me to sew, setting up the dining room table so that Teacher and I could do our homework, bringing out coin wrappers and Pop's jar of change so we could roll them, letting me help polish her silver. I have my memories. To me, they are the most important.
I am going to miss her always. But I will always carry her with me. And part of me is going to engage in the fantasy that there is something after this life. So I like to think that my Pop is combing his hair and getting into his military uniform so that he looks his best as he greets his wife for the first time int 9 years.
I love you Ammy, my Viking. I always will. Thank you for being a part of my life.
Viking died tonight. My mother called me. I heard her ring tone and sort of knew. She told me that it was over, that Viking had passed 10 minutes earlier. I was the first she wanted to tell because she knew how upset I was.
I knew it would be today. Today is my niece's fourth birthday. Viking used to tell me that she knew when my birthday was because it was the same day her mother died, December 9th. I was born December 8th but I guess my great grandmother died on December 9th and it was so close that she got it confused. Well, Viking died on December 15th and when it happened, it was already December 16th where my niece lives.
I am devastated, obviously, but for me. I know it is for the best. She's at peace now, without the pain and the confusion. She is no longer suffering. But I just wasn't ready for it. And I'm so sorry for my mom. She got off the phone with me quickly. "I have to go because I can tell that you are going to lose it and if you lose it I will too." My poor mother, who has never been good at telling me the bad news, so bad in fact, that she used to make Teacher tell me. This time she had to tell me and it was the worst news thus far.
I called my cousin to let her know and she was incredibly sweet, asking if I had someone who could come stay with me. She and her brother weren't as close with Viking because of where they lived. But she was so kind that I was touched.
I ended up going to my neighbor's apartment. She is a grandmother and we are friendly and she was so nice and hugged me and sat and talked with me. Her little granddaughter had a card and a stuffed reindeer she wanted to give me. They were the best thing for me. Neighbor and I talked and reminisced about our grandmothers and it calmed me so much.
I knew this was coming. I felt in my bones that it would be today. But I also thought I'd handle it better. I was wrong.
One of the things Neighbor and I talked about was the things we wanted from our grandmothers after they passed. The one thing I'd like is a sewing box that I grew up seeing. But, as I told Neighbor, if I don't get anything, I'll still walk away with more than most because I've kept a journal for 22 years and so I have my memories. I remember Viking teaching me to sew, setting up the dining room table so that Teacher and I could do our homework, bringing out coin wrappers and Pop's jar of change so we could roll them, letting me help polish her silver. I have my memories. To me, they are the most important.
I am going to miss her always. But I will always carry her with me. And part of me is going to engage in the fantasy that there is something after this life. So I like to think that my Pop is combing his hair and getting into his military uniform so that he looks his best as he greets his wife for the first time int 9 years.
I love you Ammy, my Viking. I always will. Thank you for being a part of my life.
So sorry for your loss. Grandparents -the good ones-are the best; all the love of parents but none of the shit that comes with responsibility. I think that When they die part of your childhood goes, which makes the loss even harder. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Ammy was my last grandparent and she was a great one. Now I have to fly to the East Coast tomorrow and visit stupid Delaware because that is where she'll be buried. That is, once the physician signs the paper work that releases her body so that it can be shipped from Arizona. I never thought I would say something so bizarre.
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