I pride myself on being pretty self aware but every so often I have a moment where I start to wonder if I might not fall somewhere on that autism spectrum that people are always talking about. And I'm not making fun of autism; sometimes I think there must be something very wrong with me.
Sometimes I upset people. Do you know what they don't do when I upset them? They don't tell me to go fuck myself or say hurtful things. Of course they don't, why would they? But I do. I've told my favorite people in the world to get fucked when they've said something that upset me. I've said hurtful things to them. Upset me and I apparently throw a tantrum.
I never realized how upsetting this must be for my friends and loved ones. It's like with my swearing. I swear all the fucking time and it is just second nature to me. If you say "fuck" or "cunt" or anything like that, it doesn't faze me one bit. So if I say "fuck" or "cunt" I don't necessarily register that it might upset someone. I say hurtful things or tell my friends to get fucked because it is my knee jerk reaction when I get upset. I don't mean it; I never mean it. But I forgot that my words actually can and do hurt people.
And what the fuck? I'm 32 years old and only now I am realizing that I'm a big baby who pitches fits? How do you make it three decades without realizing that you don't behave like a normal person? Sometimes I'm really stunned that I do have friends based on the way I act. J told me about my volatility over a year ago and it was quite surprising to me. Now I'm realizing that I'm pretty much an asshole without meaning to be. How's that for self awareness? My friends have to walk on eggshells with me because I might just explode.
I really am a child. I wouldn't want to be friends with me. I'd better reign this shit in. And maybe work on my swearing while I'm at it.
Sometimes I upset people. Do you know what they don't do when I upset them? They don't tell me to go fuck myself or say hurtful things. Of course they don't, why would they? But I do. I've told my favorite people in the world to get fucked when they've said something that upset me. I've said hurtful things to them. Upset me and I apparently throw a tantrum.
I never realized how upsetting this must be for my friends and loved ones. It's like with my swearing. I swear all the fucking time and it is just second nature to me. If you say "fuck" or "cunt" or anything like that, it doesn't faze me one bit. So if I say "fuck" or "cunt" I don't necessarily register that it might upset someone. I say hurtful things or tell my friends to get fucked because it is my knee jerk reaction when I get upset. I don't mean it; I never mean it. But I forgot that my words actually can and do hurt people.
And what the fuck? I'm 32 years old and only now I am realizing that I'm a big baby who pitches fits? How do you make it three decades without realizing that you don't behave like a normal person? Sometimes I'm really stunned that I do have friends based on the way I act. J told me about my volatility over a year ago and it was quite surprising to me. Now I'm realizing that I'm pretty much an asshole without meaning to be. How's that for self awareness? My friends have to walk on eggshells with me because I might just explode.
I really am a child. I wouldn't want to be friends with me. I'd better reign this shit in. And maybe work on my swearing while I'm at it.
Perhaps you are "on the spectrum." I highly suspect that one of my brothers is. I took this test: http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html and I got a 19. A 32 is the average score of someone on the spectrum.
ReplyDeleteGot a 21. So I'm not on the spectrum. I get how people work, I get what is OK and what is not. But I treat my friends terribly and don't necessarily understand that they are going to take what I say as badly as they do. So I'm not autistic, I'm just an asshole.
ReplyDeleteI am a little prima donna who pitches a fit if she doesn't get her way. Man, the voyage to self discovery is so much less worthwhile than I thought it would be.
ReplyDelete