I've figured out how I'm going to strike it rich and I need some capital so please feel free to email me with your interest (I know you are already pulling out those checkbooks). I am going to buy up land in the central Ohio area, those areas outside of the city, and I'm going to install sidewalks. Then I'm going to put in toll booths and charge people to use them. Brilliant, right? That idea is copyrighted* by the way. Seriously, what the fuck Ohio? Why are there only sidewalks in rich people places and the city proper? Especially in areas where there are places in walking distance of residences? Hell, there aren't even sidewalks in my fucking neighborhood.
I get it, OK? Back in the day when people started being all successful they started wanting to get away from the city with its hustle and bustle and noise and dirtiness and kids being killed constantly by hobos and trains and cars and city buildings. And yes, if pressed, I will admit that I'm anti kids being killed by things. So Mr. and Mrs. Successful moved out to the suburbs to protect little Ethel and Winston and Mommy spent her day in curlers, cleaning and cooking while Daddy went to the big bad city to work and (according to Mad Men) fuck secretaries. And oh wasn't it wonderful!
Only it wasn't. Before long people realized "dude, this sucks, there's nothing to do but start drinking during the day and popping valium and spy on the neighbors." The grownups started wanting things closer so they wouldn't have to always drive to the city for amusement and the kids dreamed of getting the fuck out. And so eventually, some genius decided to start building shopping malls and shit closer to the suburbs to take advantage of these bored folks. And because people previously had nothing to do but have sex and make babies, and since everyone in the city was fucking around, there were a whole bunch more people so the city spread out into the suburbs. The end.**
And so now we have stores and shit within walking distance of residences but we don't have sidewalks. No wonder this country is so fucking fat. And I know that it takes time but come on, how long has it been? But no matter. This was just a long introduction before I tell you that I took a walk this afternoon, a little after work stroll. I was going to take a nap but, restless, decided to get up and go exploring. In the peak of the heat, during rush hour, in an unfamiliar place. Nothing could possibly go wrong!***
Initially I just walked around my neighborhood but that was boring so I decided to see if I could walk up to one of the parks, not really knowing how far away it was other than "somewhere between 1.5 and 3 miles, I think". So off I went, walking out of my neighborhood up to the very busy road and turning right. Did I mention there were no sidewalks? Well, there was one on the other side of the very busy road but not right away and I didn't know it was there and there was no place to cross (I'm not a fan of human Frogger) so I just tramped along. It wasn't terrible all the time. There were many places that, whilst uneven and slopey, were covered in nicely mowed grass. But there were three occasions where there was a guard rail on one side, fake forest on the other, and thorny weeds, trash, and god-only-knows-because-I'm-not-looking to walk through. Those bits sucked. And oh my god the heat. But I persevered like the badass I am (and because I didn't want to feel embarrassed by just abruptly turning around) and was actually rewarded.
I came to a traffic light and thought "oh! I can cross here!" Sike!!! said the world. Nope, no crossing. So I made my best vexed face and silently shook my fist and then noticed a downward slope away from the road. I cautiously approached and then, like Alice, decided to see where it led. I don't know if it's a prairie or a meadow or a crop circle or what, but it is this lovely, large, circle of flat grass, bordered by trees on two sides, the road in the back, and a creek at the front (that is, trees to the north and south, the road to the east, and the creek on to the west). It is the perfect place for a picnic if it isn't private property. I was really startled to find it and to find no one else there. I was also constantly on alert, as I had been the entire walk, because, for some reason, I got it into my head that a deer might attack me. Oh god, I just thought of a worse possibility... what if a possum came at me? Shudder. The funny part about coming up against the creek is that that had been the point of my walk in a way. My apartment complex is supposed to be all up against it but I couldn't find it so I went on my wilderness safari to find it. Also, when I was walking in my neighborhood, I found a few entrances into the woods but I was too scared to go in because of the deer attacks and hobo camps. I'm not shitting you, that's really what I was thinking.
I sat and collected myself for awhile and then I walked home and chugged down two large glasses of water and sat down to type this. Sometimes I think I should have to get a permission slip to leave my apartment and that I should always have a chaperone.
*It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out how to spell that.
**This story is not necessarily based on "facts" or "research" or "knowledge."
***To my credit, I would like to point out that I was wearing cropped sweatpants, a tank top, sneakers, sunglasses, sunblock, and bug spray. I wasn't totally unprepared. I mean, I could have been wearing sandals, jeans, and a winter coat.
I get it, OK? Back in the day when people started being all successful they started wanting to get away from the city with its hustle and bustle and noise and dirtiness and kids being killed constantly by hobos and trains and cars and city buildings. And yes, if pressed, I will admit that I'm anti kids being killed by things. So Mr. and Mrs. Successful moved out to the suburbs to protect little Ethel and Winston and Mommy spent her day in curlers, cleaning and cooking while Daddy went to the big bad city to work and (according to Mad Men) fuck secretaries. And oh wasn't it wonderful!
Only it wasn't. Before long people realized "dude, this sucks, there's nothing to do but start drinking during the day and popping valium and spy on the neighbors." The grownups started wanting things closer so they wouldn't have to always drive to the city for amusement and the kids dreamed of getting the fuck out. And so eventually, some genius decided to start building shopping malls and shit closer to the suburbs to take advantage of these bored folks. And because people previously had nothing to do but have sex and make babies, and since everyone in the city was fucking around, there were a whole bunch more people so the city spread out into the suburbs. The end.**
And so now we have stores and shit within walking distance of residences but we don't have sidewalks. No wonder this country is so fucking fat. And I know that it takes time but come on, how long has it been? But no matter. This was just a long introduction before I tell you that I took a walk this afternoon, a little after work stroll. I was going to take a nap but, restless, decided to get up and go exploring. In the peak of the heat, during rush hour, in an unfamiliar place. Nothing could possibly go wrong!***
Initially I just walked around my neighborhood but that was boring so I decided to see if I could walk up to one of the parks, not really knowing how far away it was other than "somewhere between 1.5 and 3 miles, I think". So off I went, walking out of my neighborhood up to the very busy road and turning right. Did I mention there were no sidewalks? Well, there was one on the other side of the very busy road but not right away and I didn't know it was there and there was no place to cross (I'm not a fan of human Frogger) so I just tramped along. It wasn't terrible all the time. There were many places that, whilst uneven and slopey, were covered in nicely mowed grass. But there were three occasions where there was a guard rail on one side, fake forest on the other, and thorny weeds, trash, and god-only-knows-because-I'm-not-looking to walk through. Those bits sucked. And oh my god the heat. But I persevered like the badass I am (and because I didn't want to feel embarrassed by just abruptly turning around) and was actually rewarded.
I came to a traffic light and thought "oh! I can cross here!" Sike!!! said the world. Nope, no crossing. So I made my best vexed face and silently shook my fist and then noticed a downward slope away from the road. I cautiously approached and then, like Alice, decided to see where it led. I don't know if it's a prairie or a meadow or a crop circle or what, but it is this lovely, large, circle of flat grass, bordered by trees on two sides, the road in the back, and a creek at the front (that is, trees to the north and south, the road to the east, and the creek on to the west). It is the perfect place for a picnic if it isn't private property. I was really startled to find it and to find no one else there. I was also constantly on alert, as I had been the entire walk, because, for some reason, I got it into my head that a deer might attack me. Oh god, I just thought of a worse possibility... what if a possum came at me? Shudder. The funny part about coming up against the creek is that that had been the point of my walk in a way. My apartment complex is supposed to be all up against it but I couldn't find it so I went on my wilderness safari to find it. Also, when I was walking in my neighborhood, I found a few entrances into the woods but I was too scared to go in because of the deer attacks and hobo camps. I'm not shitting you, that's really what I was thinking.
I sat and collected myself for awhile and then I walked home and chugged down two large glasses of water and sat down to type this. Sometimes I think I should have to get a permission slip to leave my apartment and that I should always have a chaperone.
*It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out how to spell that.
**This story is not necessarily based on "facts" or "research" or "knowledge."
***To my credit, I would like to point out that I was wearing cropped sweatpants, a tank top, sneakers, sunglasses, sunblock, and bug spray. I wasn't totally unprepared. I mean, I could have been wearing sandals, jeans, and a winter coat.
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