I hate that I don't feel for him what he feels for me. I texted him two nights ago saying that we are both broke so did he want to try living together when our leases were up. He, understandably, felt that this was a conversation we needed to have in person. We couldn't yesterday because I was drained and tired after work (my fatigue is back as I learned this afternoon), so I went today.
He told me that he'd hoped I would tell him that I wanted him to come home because he loves me and is in love with me. He could never live with me as a roommate because he couldn't have me that near without our being together.
I told him that nothing had changed. I love him but I don't have more feelings for him. I even told him that I'd considered just faking it for the rest of my life. Because I love him and want him to be taken care of and don't trust that he always takes good care of himself. That sounds so awful and I put it badly and knew it right away. I don't pity him. I just want him to be happy. In that brief moment I realized how ludicrous it was to think he could be happy living a lie.
I cried, but only a little. I don't know if he was only angry or sad and hurt as well but assume all three were present. I didn't apologize this time. For the first time in forever, I realize that I'm done apologizing for what I feel and for what I don't. Even though I wish I did love him like I used to.
Why is it so hard to let go when you are the one no longer in love?
The important thing, the one that makes all the difference, is that I understand finally that it is truly over because it has to be. As much as it kills me that I hurt J, and as much as I want to be in control and take care of him and make sure he is OK, I know this is the right thing to do. Because he deserves more than I have to offer. I'm a fine individual and I don't think I'm some unworthy being, but he deserves to have a woman who will love him and be there for him always. Not the 23 year old girl who grew into a totally different 31 year old woman. He deserves more than my odd offer to fake it.
Because he is a great man. He is intelligent and attractive and funny as fuck. I wish him the best and want the world for him and so I know that as unhappy as I would be if we stayed married, he would not fair much better.
So I'll take his anger if he gives it. I'll take any vitriol if he feels it. And I will always wish to have some sort of hidden camera, some magical power to direct things to ensure he is OK but I will also understand and accept that I am a control freak and that this wouldn't help either one of us. Because I love him. I always will. I have never met a better person than the man who didn't remember that I sat across the radiator from him in British Literature I until I mentioned I'd been faking a southern accent, the man I came across again because he scared me when he sat behind me in Early Modern Intellectual Thought, the man who asked for my number at Brew Ha Ha when he was twenty minutes late to work .
He is the best person I've ever met and he is the one who has most influenced me and I will, always, be grateful, that I had so many years with him, and I will always hope that he finds the happiness that he so greatly deserves.
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