I never really dated. I met my first ‘real’ boyfriend when I was 17 and we just ‘hung out’ rather than dated. We were in high school, didn’t have cars, and we lived in Delaware and there are few dating things to do there. I met my ex husband (also my second boyfriend) when I was 23 and in college at the University of Delaware. We went on three dates (two dinners and one movie watching extravaganza in my dorm room) before we were boyfriend and girlfriend and then became husband and wife for nearly five years (we were together for a total of nearly seven years).
So yeah, my experience with dating was pretty much nil until I was 32 and moved to Texas for my job. I had been in Texas for six days with just a blow up mattress, a suitcase worth of clothing, a guinea pig, a knitting bag, and a patio set that I kept inside at the time when I met my first Texas guy (my belongings were in transit). I actually met him in a bar, which is not something I ever thought would happen. I’d been in my apartment for days, just looking at the walls and talking to my guinea pig when I decided I needed out. There are a ton of places within walking distance of my first apartment so I decided, fuck this shit, and walked to Sport’s City. I was filthy, not having showered, was wearing my worst pair of jeans, no bra, had my hair in a bun, and was wearing my glasses whilst I knit at the bar.
That’s a thing that happens. When I lived in Ohio (moved there with my ex so he could go to school), I could go to a bar with a book or a newspaper and be left alone. In Texas? Dude, I’ve gone to a bar with a Kindle, knitting, and headphones and had guys try to chat me up. And I’m not super hot or anything, just a regular girl. Texans just don’t follow my rules, I guess.
So I met my first Texas boyfriend whilst knitting in a bar. Turns out he fought with his friend for twenty or twenty five minutes to get him to change seats because soon to be boyfriend really wanted to talk to me. Great story right? “Oh, he argued with his friend so he could talk to me and from there…” but that shit didn’t work out. That’s all good and shit but first Texas boyfriend taught me a very valuable lesson.
Bitch, you are 32 years old and guys in your date range either have kids or want them.
Dude and I talked on the phone for about an hour before our first date. It was during dinner that he told me he had three kids. What. The. Ever. Loving. Fuck?????????
Seriously, I was 32 years old feeling like I was 23 apparently and that shit shocked me. I mean, dude was only a few years older than me but had THREE fucking kids. That is when I realized that just because I feel super young because I’m stupid and incompetent, I’m actually an adult. In my time in Texas, I’ve not dated a single guy who did not have children.
That was my first lesson when it came to dating as an adult; dudes have kids. If you don’t have children, are much younger than me, don’t want children, or have never really thought about it, you’re welcome. You reach an age where your dating pool includes single fathers.
Maybe you like kids, want kids, babysat a lot. I don’t know, you are just a kid person. I am not. I’ve nothing against the miniatures but I’m no good around them because I don’t know what the fuck to do or say and they scare the hell out of me. I end up talking to kids, regardless of their age, like they are adults. This works OK with the older ones and befuddles the younger ones. I dated one guy for over a year, a fabulous single father of a teenager. I told her I had little to offer but I helped her by buying her classic pieces for her wardrobe and superficial stuff like that. Actually, I recently showed her how to iron a tricky shirt by which I mean I ironed a tricky shirt for her. I have no idea what thinks about me (she is a teenager after all) but I do know that she not only trusts my domestic judgment but she pays attention and learns from it. That is a rad feeling and a good byproduct of dating a father.
That is the first thing I learned when I started dating and really, it was like putting a kid in an advanced class with no warning, “Hello! I’m here to teach you how to date because you are old, out of the game, and don’t know how shit works.” YES!!!! ……””Now, dude has a kid…”
Yeah, I knew dating would be rough. OK, I didn’t know that and I had no idea what it entailed but CHILDREN? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? Seriously, that is not a joke. That shit happens and you have to go along with it because you forgot, whilst thinking about dating, that dudes your age either have kids of want them.
The worst part is that single dads like to talk to you about priorities. Look, my dad walked out when I was around six and my one daddy issue is “if you have children and they are not priority alpha, go kick rocks”. Seriously, if your kids are not your top priority I don’t want to know you. But single fathers like to tell you that you are going to be their second priority, right after their kid(s).
This is bullshit in my experience. I don’t really think the guys are dicks, I just think they haven’t thought it through. In my experience, I’ve come after the children, family, friends, work, and that guy who works at 7-11. Again, as I said, your kids better be your first priority but don’t tell me that you are looking to devote yourself to a girlfriend when you can’t/won’t/etc.
I don’t know what it is like and have no idea how hard it must be. I think these fathers have just settled into a routine and made their lives and when they started dating, they didn’t realize that the girl wanted to be part of everything. My sample size is ridiculously small so I’m not going to generalize. I just know that in my experience, the single fathers I’ve dated went into it with good intentions and then realized they just really missed sex.They aren’t monsters or anything, they just didn’t realize what they wanted or where they were and accidentally used me.
It is nice to know I’m good at sex though. Imma put that shit on my resume.
Oh, and FYI, single fathers, just like all parents, don’t want to hear it from your childless ass. I do understand that I have no experience and so a parent doesn’t want me to tell them how to keep their kid from throwing a tantrum (I’ve never offered that advice) but I know when a kid is spoiled and if I like you or, even more important, I like your kid, I’m going to say something. Don’t. Save yourself the trouble, even if the guy’s mother talks to you multiple times about how his kid is spoiled. You probably won’t be with this guy for the long term, especially if his kid is older, and what happens will happen no matter what. And if you think the guy is showing favoritism towards one of his kids over the others? Yeah, just shut up.
You aren’t a parent and the fact that you are a human being does not give you the credentials to say shit to parents. Mothers and fathers are untouchable heroes and unless you are going to give butterfly kisses to their assholes, they don’t want to hear it. Lesson learned the hard way. On the one hand, I totally get it. “You aren’t a parent so what the fuck do you know?” But what if a non-parent tells you they saw your sweet angel killing an animal? Can that childless person express concern or should they keep that shit to themselves?
That was a very hyperbolic example, obviously, but that is what it feels like. Express concern and get yelled at because you have not expressed a child from your uterus and so know nothing. So whilst you are dealing with the dating minefield and find yourself with a single dad, keep that in mind.
You’re welcome
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