As I've already said, I've taken a new position within my company. However, due to recent events, I have resigned altogether to follow my true life's calling: writing the memoirs of the newly retired Pope Benedict (Benny as I call him because we are hella tight).
The election of a new Pontiff today was really what pushed me to finally take the leap. Pope Francis's succession coincided with my finally receiving the rewards brochure so I was able to order a watch to mark my five years at my present company. I really wanted a new watch and have been sticking around for this only to have it appear on this magnificent day.
I know it sounds crazy, taking on the incredible burden of rehabbing Benny's image. His partying is legendary amongst the Vatican City and more than one thirteenth century illuminated manuscripts have been ruined during his benders with the aging rock stars. What few know, and what my scant audience will be privy to, is the fact that Benny did not resign his post due to health issues, as previously stated. Instead, he was "gently nudged" by the cardinals to step down because they could no longer take his base carnality, his atrocious eating habits, and his practical jokes. To be fair, one of the German cardinals suffered great humiliation when Benny saran wrapped the toilets. It took a great deal of damage control and covering up to prevent scandal.
So as well as writing his memoirs, I will also be working as a PR person. I am going to work hard to get him on next season's "Dancing with the Stars" and am in talks with various American morning news programs to get him to appear during the cooking segments. I know what you're thinking and I agree, he does look like a James Bond villain. But I want the world to see the man behind the Pontiff and if I am successful, he will win the hearts of billions.
This is, undoubtedly, hard work. I've already turned down three movie producers (two Americans and one Japanese) who wanted to cast him as the bad guy in action movies. I've also had to be very vigilant about not allowing him to appear in such "blue" movies as "Penny Takes a Pontifical Pounding", "The Pope and the Poop Shoot", and "Three Girls, One Pope, So Many Holes". Benny likes his vag, what can I say.
I hope you will all support me on my new journey with love, understanding, and, of course, ground floor investments. My present working title for the memoirs is "Fifty Shades of Faith - The real life of a 21st Century Pope".
The election of a new Pontiff today was really what pushed me to finally take the leap. Pope Francis's succession coincided with my finally receiving the rewards brochure so I was able to order a watch to mark my five years at my present company. I really wanted a new watch and have been sticking around for this only to have it appear on this magnificent day.
I know it sounds crazy, taking on the incredible burden of rehabbing Benny's image. His partying is legendary amongst the Vatican City and more than one thirteenth century illuminated manuscripts have been ruined during his benders with the aging rock stars. What few know, and what my scant audience will be privy to, is the fact that Benny did not resign his post due to health issues, as previously stated. Instead, he was "gently nudged" by the cardinals to step down because they could no longer take his base carnality, his atrocious eating habits, and his practical jokes. To be fair, one of the German cardinals suffered great humiliation when Benny saran wrapped the toilets. It took a great deal of damage control and covering up to prevent scandal.
So as well as writing his memoirs, I will also be working as a PR person. I am going to work hard to get him on next season's "Dancing with the Stars" and am in talks with various American morning news programs to get him to appear during the cooking segments. I know what you're thinking and I agree, he does look like a James Bond villain. But I want the world to see the man behind the Pontiff and if I am successful, he will win the hearts of billions.
This is, undoubtedly, hard work. I've already turned down three movie producers (two Americans and one Japanese) who wanted to cast him as the bad guy in action movies. I've also had to be very vigilant about not allowing him to appear in such "blue" movies as "Penny Takes a Pontifical Pounding", "The Pope and the Poop Shoot", and "Three Girls, One Pope, So Many Holes". Benny likes his vag, what can I say.
I hope you will all support me on my new journey with love, understanding, and, of course, ground floor investments. My present working title for the memoirs is "Fifty Shades of Faith - The real life of a 21st Century Pope".
"The Crying Pope" a pre-op transsexual details the magical encounter he had with Pope Benny during the hedonistic final days of the papacy.
ReplyDeleteI was pulling for Luis Antonio Tagle, but really, he was too young this time around, and an Asian Pope would have been too much for the people to deal with. Maybe next time.
That's what is so groundbreaking with regards to the memoir. The Catholic Church is well known for its pedophilia (which I will NEVER make fun of because the damage done and the cover ups are reprehensible)so finding that there is a sex addict who is HETER sexual as well as the leader of the Catholic world is just unheard of.
ReplyDeleteAs for your choice of Pope, come ON! 76 years young with some Latin flavor? It doesn't get better than that.
I'm not actually surprised by the South American pick. JP II's travels to South America really endeared him to a lot of people.