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Intolerance

Over the past year, I have come to know myself more and more and I find it rather fascinating. When I was a teenager and perhaps in my early twenties, I thought that when I grew into an actual adult, I'd be privy to all sorts of information and knowledge previously unavailable to me. By the time I was 27, I decided that adults didn't really have it as together as I'd always assumed and that we were all just careening around doing the best we could. But at 29, I suddenly felt like I was an actual grown up and certain things about my personality felt clearly defined. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how I feel about some of these.

1. Indecisiveness. This is a character trait in others that I absolutely abhor. Yes, we all have times when we waffle and prevaricate because the decision to be made is difficult. This is understandable and acceptable and in this type of situation I am the first to say "take all the time you need." However, there are those for whom even the simplest and most unimportant of decisions are treated like Sophie's choice. These individuals are the ones who commonly state any number of variations of "I don't care, whatever you want is fine." This removes from the this person any responsibility and places the burden on his/her interlocutor. It drives me up the fucking wall. The best example I can give is from my days in my previous department. This department comprises five people, two nurses, two administrative assistants, and the boss. Most Fridays the department lunches together and things are set up when someone, in the morning hours, sends a group e-mail asking who is up for lunch and if anyone had anywhere specific to go. More often than not, 1 o'clock would roll around and the boss would come out, purse and keys in hand, ready to go with no decision made. The group may have gotten to the point where two restaurants had been offered as choices but no one would be willing to make the final decision. At this point, yours truly, exasperated, would state like a command, "We are going to X, end of story." I mean, it's fucking lunch, not whether or not to bomb a small village where there is a known terrorist cell as well as innocent civilians. Just make a fucking decision already.
   
2. Weakness. I have discovered that I evidently do not like weakness in others and do not want others to think I am weak. I realized this yesterday, as a matter of fact. I'd had a headache and felt tremendously tired around 2 o'clock in the afternoon and a coworker suggested that it was my body reacting to the barometric change in the weather. I think I may have murmured something like "maybe" but in my head I was going "absolutely not" because I have always associated those who are affected physically by weather changes as weak. Where I got this idea I don't know but it applies to everything from those who get migraines when a pressure front moves in to those with seasonal allergies. My brain views these people as weak as though all they need to do is toughen up and they'll be fine. This is a particularly ridiculous idea especially given that I may have developed a ragweed allergy myself*. However, it is not just this unproven, unfounded, unfair opinion I have about those who are affected by weather. I also have low tolerance for those who behave in a woe-as-me and/or Eeyore manner. You probably know the type, the ones who are chronically unhappy with things in their lives but make no attempt to change things. Some hate what they do for a living but prefer to complain about it rather than look for a new job. I suppose this sounds more like I dislike negative people but that isn't the case. I'm married to one of the most negative of individuals who I commonly refer to as Eeyore. The difference is that J does try to look on the bright side from time to time and he does try to change his circumstance if it is truly unbearable. Those who just complain - and who complain about the same damn things all the time - are the ones I view as weak because they are complacent and have decided that it is easier and preferable to remain in circumstances that they dislike. Either do something about it or shut the fuck up.
   
3. Mexican food. I don't like it. Sorry, but I don't and I tried it for 28 years before coming to this determination. I think the fact that I can no longer eat guacamole is what caused me to dislike this type of food. I remember eating it and enjoying it just fine, but now that I can't have guacamole, I just don't seem to like it.

 OK, so I added number 3 (which is true), just to make me seem slightly less of an asshole. But like I said in the beginning, these are not things I'm necessarily happy about, just things I've come to understand about myself. I sound like a real hard ass, a no nonsense balls-to-the-wall drill sergeant or something. But the traits i listed are black and white only in print, not in real life. I'm actually very nice and pleasant in real life and far less judgmental than one might think after reading this. I actively try to be less judgmental, in fact, because it is not something I want to define me. I've mellowed with age and think it is definitely a good thing. I believe, especially with item 2, that I feel so strongly only because I fear others will see these things in me, one of those projection things, you know?


*But with allergies, I think I'm just angry because it seems so stupid that humans should be allergic to their environment. It doesn't make sense to me and so I think it is stupid. And yes, I know how awful and idiotic that sounds but we all have these moronic aspects to our personalities and I'm honest and aware of mine.

Back to the 80's

This morning began well enough with my pent up excitement finally being unleashed as today is Friday, which means Casual Friday at work. Last Saturday I purchased a Thundercats t-shirt and I have been looking forward to wearing it all freaking week. Today is the day. I pulled it on over a pair of jeans, put on some basic make up, and put my hair in pig tails because I'd left my gym bag, containing my hair dryer, at work, and so my hair was looking pretty rough. It snowed yesterday and while it wasn't a lot, it was enough to require boots to avoid slipping on my way to the car. 

Unfortunately, I forgot to bring a pair of shoes to change into. 

So, arriving at work, I pulled on a gray blazer that I have hanging in my cubicle, left over from when I interviewed. Then, because they were the only things available, I put on a pair of sneakers. Actually, I put on two different sneakers and then went to ask my friend, Birdie, which she thought were the less offensive. She pointed out that I was better off in my black boots because with the sneakers I looked like a 1980's male comedian. It was only when I got back to my desk that it came to me. Big. I was Tom Hanks in Big. 

Obviously, I am back in my boots.