Calling a Spade a Spade

Revolutionary Casual Fare
Things have gotten really out of hand with my weight so I've finally buckled down and made the appropriate changes (we'll see how long this lasts). The other day, whilst heating up my Lean Cuisine club sandwich/panini on LC's revolutionary warming tray, I noticed that the box bills this fare as "casual eating." WTF? When has Lean Cuisine been anything but casual? Is there a formal line of microwavable meals that I've overlooked all these years? Perhaps a 4 minute on high lobster tail? Casual Eating. For fuck's sake, anything that you are supposed to microwave, that comes individually wrapped, or is a meal for one ought to be automatically considered casual. And since when does a casual meal require a revolutionary heating tray? Get it together Lean Cuisine; the only thought consumers put into your foods is "will this taste like ass".

Blow Jobs
I don't know if it is helpful to my hope of losing weight or not but I can no longer open my mouth as wide as I used to. This has been coming on gradually over the last few months and I think it might just be permanent now. I was eating my healthy and environmentally friendly (it comes in a recycled bag!) cereal (with soy milk!) this morning and had to shovel in tiny spoonfuls because I just can't open up that wide. This doesn't bother me that much, because I can just be careful and eat more slowly; however, there is a great side effect - I think this means I get a pass on blow jobs for the rest of my life!

Have you ever given a blow job before? I know some women love giving them but not me, perhaps because I find they take too long and my jaw gets tired. Plus, the whole idea that I have to put a penis in my mouth just seems ridiculously unfair. Years ago I actually bought a book about how to give proper head to help me out because I'm rubbish at the whole affair but I still just can't stand it. I feel like the dude needs to do his part and hurry this shit along and can't we just have sex instead? Obviously, this does not make me very popular with the male sex.

I don't really even care for foreplay, truth be told. Sex is fantastic and a great way to spend your time, but foreplay? We both know what we're here for fella, none of that fancy romantic stuff. Does this mean switching teams is out of the question? Do women enjoy foreplay? I don't know if I would make a good lesbian or not because while I find the clitoris to be a wonderful treasure that delights me greatly, I'm not sure if I would be able to work it on another girl. I'd be afraid I'd be no good or that I'd cause her discomfort. But perhaps a woman would be gentle and guiding and "no, not like that, sweetheart, try this... there you go." See, this is one of the reasons J thinks I'm a closet lesbian, because I admit to thoughts like this and because I find women super attractive. But I think most people think these things and just don't admit it. How do you know if you are 100% gay or straight if you haven't really thought it through? Hell, it took me 28 years and a problem with potassium to realize that I don't care for Mexican food (can't have guacamole) and that I don't like frozen margaritas. Think things through, folks!

Random Musings

When I look through the blinds in the morning to see what the weather looks like, I always feel like a busy body checking up on the neighbors. Even if the only neighbors out and about at the time are squirrels.

While I enjoy grapefruit, I feel I must be doing something wrong when I eat it. The amount of effort I put into getting the segments out and the amount of actual grapefruit that I end up ingesting do not seem to be on par.

I've recently moved cubicles in my office. I have discovered that even if you work in the same office for three years and know most of the people in your new area, you can still feel like a brand new employee and sit awkwardly just hoping someone will stop by and say hello.

I think it would be fun to be super rich and/or best friends with a famous person but I would never want to be famous (outside of this blog, naturally.) I genuinely do not understand the desire to be on television.