I have no clue what being bipolar II is like because I have no fucking idea what it felt like before the onset. I don't blame the stupid disorder for that because I'm notoriously poor at observational skills. Maybe if I'd paid attention I could tell you the difference. But I didn't and can't. All I can tell you about right now is what happened just a moment ago.
I had my music playing. At first I was listening to my iPod but then remembered I could play it through my radio. Who forgets that? I do because I listen to the radio like an old person like all the fucking time. So I plugged in my iPod and continued singing and cleaning and trying to dance with my cat.
Then I suddenly thought about how wonderful it would be if I just killed myself.
I wasn't unhappy and nothing had happened. In fact, I'd say I was happy enough when this thought crossed into my mind. That's what scared me (for anyone worrying, I'm not going to kill myself. I've got enough hold of my senses that I thought about how people would have to clean up if I shot myself). Here I am, perfectly happy, but thinking about how much better it would be if I just died.
The worst thing is I can't tell anyone in my real life about this. They'd freak out and it would cause problems. And I can't tell a doctor because they would worry and lord knows what the fall out of that would be.
I did do what I'm supposed to. I called my friend Tits, both her home and cell number, but she didn't answer and I was so glad she didn't. How can I talk about this? "I was perfectly happy, I am happy but I thought about killing myself and felt even better." You can't say that shit anyone because they will justifiably freak the fuck out.
So no, I can't tell you what being bipolar II is like compared to not being bipolar II but if this disorder is causing this, I can tell you that it can go kick rocks. Because this shit sucks. But at least I'm still considerate enough to not want anyone to clean up after me I guess.
I had my music playing. At first I was listening to my iPod but then remembered I could play it through my radio. Who forgets that? I do because I listen to the radio like an old person like all the fucking time. So I plugged in my iPod and continued singing and cleaning and trying to dance with my cat.
Then I suddenly thought about how wonderful it would be if I just killed myself.
I wasn't unhappy and nothing had happened. In fact, I'd say I was happy enough when this thought crossed into my mind. That's what scared me (for anyone worrying, I'm not going to kill myself. I've got enough hold of my senses that I thought about how people would have to clean up if I shot myself). Here I am, perfectly happy, but thinking about how much better it would be if I just died.
The worst thing is I can't tell anyone in my real life about this. They'd freak out and it would cause problems. And I can't tell a doctor because they would worry and lord knows what the fall out of that would be.
I did do what I'm supposed to. I called my friend Tits, both her home and cell number, but she didn't answer and I was so glad she didn't. How can I talk about this? "I was perfectly happy, I am happy but I thought about killing myself and felt even better." You can't say that shit anyone because they will justifiably freak the fuck out.
So no, I can't tell you what being bipolar II is like compared to not being bipolar II but if this disorder is causing this, I can tell you that it can go kick rocks. Because this shit sucks. But at least I'm still considerate enough to not want anyone to clean up after me I guess.
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