You're Asking Me? Vol. 1

As I’ve mentioned before, BFF and I chat throughout the day via the wonderful world of gmail. She has a four year old and so, obviously, that is something we talk about quite a bit. BFF is a great mom but she’s an even greater human because she is completely honest about things. When she’s having some sort of trouble with the kiddo, she’ll tell me about it and tell me when she feels like she’s been a shit mom. I sometimes give her advice and whenever she says “that’s a really good idea”, I inform her that I made my fortune on my parenting books. Because I don’t have kids and I want her to know I realize I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Yesterday, she was telling me about another difficult bedtime and I gave her an idea she really liked and so I decided I’d start writing her my very own parenting book, just for her. But it was either make it into blog posts or take a few pieces of notebook paper and some brown grocery store bags and staple that shit together. So here is the first installment.

So You’re Bitch Ass Kid is Scared of the Dark

Apparently BFF’s daughter, like all little kids, is a fucking liar. The real issue is that she thinks she’ll miss something if she goes to bed when mommy and daddy are still awake but she lies and says she’s afraid of the dark. Or maybe she really is just a sissy, I don’t fucking know. So here is what I suggested to BFF.

1. Either buy a new stuffed animal or find one the kid hasn’t cared about in awhile. BFF, like me, is cheap and lazy so she’ll probably go with the latter (there was some mention of a ferret so we are going to continue this list with the idea that you, too, are cheap and lazy and so you pick an animal the kid doesn’t care about anymore.)
2. Tell the kid that the reason she hasn’t seen Flimsy the Ferret is because FF went away to security guard training. More specifically, FF has been trained as a night guard.
3. Place a foot stool (or small kid’s chair, or a box, or whatthefuckever you have) next to the door and place Flimsy the Ferret on it, facing the punk ass little kid’s bed.
4. “See NAME OF MY CHILD? Flimsy is going to sit here all night and make sure you are safe while you sleep. If anything happens, Flimsy will come get Mommy and Daddy.”
5. In the morning, sneak in and place FF on his/her side and place a blanket over the motherfucker.
6. Also place a note with the stuffed animal saying “night watch went well, nothing to report. See you tonight!”
7. Get the kid up because you have to shove some breakfast into her face and you all have to get ready for daycare and work because you are poor like me and can’t afford to stay home or have a nanny.
8. Point to the sleeping guard and bring the kid over to show her the note. Really little kids are too dumb to read so you’ll need to read it for her. Enjoy the wonderful awe and happiness and all that shit that your child displays.
9. Go about your day.
10. Before bedtime, before the kid goes into her room for bed, wake that mother fucker up and sit him back up on his post. Hide the note and fold the blanket and take both to our room.
11. Repeat. If you have the energy and feel like really selling this, every so often place a dirty coffee cup by the animal so that in the morning you can show your kid that the guard takes his duty seriously and drinks coffee to stay awake.

The security guard stuffy doesn’t have to be a him any more than your kid needs to be a her. It’s just easier to stick to a single pronoun. I say this before any of you come at me all “not very feminist of you, Simply.” I don’t really care but I’m lazy and don’t want to have to deal with it on the off chance that someone wants to have an issue.

And honestly, that would be the dumbest thing to nitpick about this. Happy bedtimes!