Johan
I have neglected this blog for so long and have so many good things to write about but all I want to talk about right now is this: DEAD.
I had an optometry appointment this afternoon. It seemed to last forever and when I got home, I took Johan out of his cage and sectioned him off so I could clean his home. He was fine. When I put him in his fresh new cage he was fine. 60 to 90 minutes later I found him laying under his water bottles (he has two because of his drinking problem). He NEVER lays there. NEVER. If he is out of his pigloo, Johan lays in the far right corner of his cage, directly across from his water bottles but not underneath them.
What's more, he was laying on his side, another thing I'd never seen him do.
I petted him. He was warm but he didn't respond. I rustled the hay. He did not respond. I went into the kitchen to get a piece of pepper to put in front of him. He did not respond.
I watched Johan die. You have no clue how hard I wept. I texted the Bat when I realized what was happening and then I called J, sobbing and wailing and carrying on. We spoke for I don't know how long. I wanted him to know because he knew Johan and knew what he meant to me. The Bat's reaction was "how do you know? Pick him up?" J's reaction was "I'm so sorry, honey, I wish I was there to take care of this for you." It isn't that the Bat is a bad guy, he just doesn't have the same history with Johan.
Johan. Johan the Destruktor. That's true as he destroyed my heart. I loved him so much and he'd been there through so much, even if he never took any notice.
It's going to take some time before I wake and walk towards the bathroom, expecting to hear him squeak at me. It's going to take time before I stop hearing him shuffling around in his bedding, burbling, occasionally pop corning, being his usual happy self. It's going to take so god damn long before I stop expecting to hear him. Even when I stay at other places I wake up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and expect to hear him. And I'm going to see where I kept his cage, even though I threw out everything but one that belonged to him. I'm going to find hay and it is going to kill me.
I started crying and did not stop for three hours. Even then it kept coming at times.
I don't care. I don't fucking care what anyone thinks of me. Yes, it was *just* a guinea pig, but it was my fucking guinea pig and I loved him so much. I loved him. He was my surly little asshole. He was my buddy. He was there all the time.
And now he's not. So fuck you if you think I'm over reacting. We all have something and I always knew, from the moment I got my guinea pig, that he would be it.
What is left of my already shattered heart is in tatters. I love you Johan the Destruktor. And I always will. Thank you for coming out to say goodbye to me. Thank you for letting me have a chance to say goodbye to you.
I have neglected this blog for so long and have so many good things to write about but all I want to talk about right now is this: DEAD.
I had an optometry appointment this afternoon. It seemed to last forever and when I got home, I took Johan out of his cage and sectioned him off so I could clean his home. He was fine. When I put him in his fresh new cage he was fine. 60 to 90 minutes later I found him laying under his water bottles (he has two because of his drinking problem). He NEVER lays there. NEVER. If he is out of his pigloo, Johan lays in the far right corner of his cage, directly across from his water bottles but not underneath them.
What's more, he was laying on his side, another thing I'd never seen him do.
I petted him. He was warm but he didn't respond. I rustled the hay. He did not respond. I went into the kitchen to get a piece of pepper to put in front of him. He did not respond.
I watched Johan die. You have no clue how hard I wept. I texted the Bat when I realized what was happening and then I called J, sobbing and wailing and carrying on. We spoke for I don't know how long. I wanted him to know because he knew Johan and knew what he meant to me. The Bat's reaction was "how do you know? Pick him up?" J's reaction was "I'm so sorry, honey, I wish I was there to take care of this for you." It isn't that the Bat is a bad guy, he just doesn't have the same history with Johan.
Johan. Johan the Destruktor. That's true as he destroyed my heart. I loved him so much and he'd been there through so much, even if he never took any notice.
It's going to take some time before I wake and walk towards the bathroom, expecting to hear him squeak at me. It's going to take time before I stop hearing him shuffling around in his bedding, burbling, occasionally pop corning, being his usual happy self. It's going to take so god damn long before I stop expecting to hear him. Even when I stay at other places I wake up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and expect to hear him. And I'm going to see where I kept his cage, even though I threw out everything but one that belonged to him. I'm going to find hay and it is going to kill me.
I started crying and did not stop for three hours. Even then it kept coming at times.
I don't care. I don't fucking care what anyone thinks of me. Yes, it was *just* a guinea pig, but it was my fucking guinea pig and I loved him so much. I loved him. He was my surly little asshole. He was my buddy. He was there all the time.
And now he's not. So fuck you if you think I'm over reacting. We all have something and I always knew, from the moment I got my guinea pig, that he would be it.
What is left of my already shattered heart is in tatters. I love you Johan the Destruktor. And I always will. Thank you for coming out to say goodbye to me. Thank you for letting me have a chance to say goodbye to you.
I'm so sorry. I just came across your blog through another I read (Relentless Laundry) and this is the first post I saw. Just wanted to say you are NOT over-reacting as the loss of something you love and that loves you back is devastating. But think of the great life Johan had with someone who loved him like that x
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