I am a very type A sort of person. I always hated group work in school and I want to be in control of everything. I think that is part of why I sometimes wish I'd been born way back in the day when they would have just killed me.
Having bipolar II isn't usually an issue for me as I take my medication. Hell, I've been on this stuff or ten years now and I just throw it back every morning like vitamins. But every so often, something I hear or read will bring it all to mind and I get really upset. Even with the pills, my brain isn't normal.
I cannot tell you how much I fucking hate that. What evolutionary device allowed this to happen? Or were most people like this and it died out because it didn't work out? I want, childishly, an explanation for why my stupid brain doesn't work like it is supposed to. Because although I know I am not one, I feel, very privately, very secretly, very quietly like a freak. My brain only works as well as it does because of the pills. But pills don't fix everything so I also get to wonder what is bipolar and what is just character defect.
Not knowing fucking sucks. Maybe if I knew 100% it would be better because then I'd know what I could and could not improve. Not that it will necessarily matter. I'm sure they'll figure this shit out one day, possibly in my lifetime, but I'll be whatever age by then with however many years behind me.
It physically hurts, you know. Not having bipolar but at the moments that I remember about it and realize my brain is not my own but rather something that needs to be controlled and reigned in. It hurts in my stomach and my chest because I can't do a damned thing about it. It hurts because all of the pills I've taken all these years don't fix the problem and never will. It hurts because it is so fucking stupid. Why the fuck do these things happen to people? Bipolar, unipolar depression, schizophrenia, any mental disorder... explain it to me. Are we unevolved or are we a fucked up chance evolution took? One means I'm not as evolved as others and the other is that I'm a gamble that didn't work out. Considering that I have two older siblings, one of which got through his unipolar depression, I think the latter might hurt more.Sure, being less evolved than others would be devastating but at least I would know that evolution didn't roll the die and decide to test something out with me.
I have to think it is that my brain didn't make it, didn't make it to the point that brains do. It's like color blindness. Our rods developed before our cones and that still lingers a bit so we have people who are color blind. I assume that our brains didn't know the right amount of chemicals to release and so I'm lagging behind and have more of one and less of the other. That is embarrassing. I already can't tell all and sundry about my bipolar because we still get judged and I've suffered from being honest in the past; but to have people understand that I'm underdeveloped? Jesus.
But, like I said, I forget about it for the most part. I don't remember what it was like before onset and I never will. This is the only way of being I know. People will ask me from time to time if bipolar people are more or less likely to do x y or z and I just think "ask someone what it is like to be a twin... they have nothing to compare it to". Because I don't. I honestly don't remember what it was like to have a normal brain, to not have to take pills, to not have to question my emotions.
And that's OK, I guess. I'm upset about it at the moment but, as I've said twice now, I generally don't think about it and don't remember about it unless I'm triggered. And no, I'm not a trigger warning person or anything like that. It just so happened that something I listened to today made me think about it and got me upset. Luckily for me, I'll get over it and be just fine. I'm always fine.
I've never been allowed to be anything other than just fine.
Having bipolar II isn't usually an issue for me as I take my medication. Hell, I've been on this stuff or ten years now and I just throw it back every morning like vitamins. But every so often, something I hear or read will bring it all to mind and I get really upset. Even with the pills, my brain isn't normal.
I cannot tell you how much I fucking hate that. What evolutionary device allowed this to happen? Or were most people like this and it died out because it didn't work out? I want, childishly, an explanation for why my stupid brain doesn't work like it is supposed to. Because although I know I am not one, I feel, very privately, very secretly, very quietly like a freak. My brain only works as well as it does because of the pills. But pills don't fix everything so I also get to wonder what is bipolar and what is just character defect.
Not knowing fucking sucks. Maybe if I knew 100% it would be better because then I'd know what I could and could not improve. Not that it will necessarily matter. I'm sure they'll figure this shit out one day, possibly in my lifetime, but I'll be whatever age by then with however many years behind me.
It physically hurts, you know. Not having bipolar but at the moments that I remember about it and realize my brain is not my own but rather something that needs to be controlled and reigned in. It hurts in my stomach and my chest because I can't do a damned thing about it. It hurts because all of the pills I've taken all these years don't fix the problem and never will. It hurts because it is so fucking stupid. Why the fuck do these things happen to people? Bipolar, unipolar depression, schizophrenia, any mental disorder... explain it to me. Are we unevolved or are we a fucked up chance evolution took? One means I'm not as evolved as others and the other is that I'm a gamble that didn't work out. Considering that I have two older siblings, one of which got through his unipolar depression, I think the latter might hurt more.Sure, being less evolved than others would be devastating but at least I would know that evolution didn't roll the die and decide to test something out with me.
I have to think it is that my brain didn't make it, didn't make it to the point that brains do. It's like color blindness. Our rods developed before our cones and that still lingers a bit so we have people who are color blind. I assume that our brains didn't know the right amount of chemicals to release and so I'm lagging behind and have more of one and less of the other. That is embarrassing. I already can't tell all and sundry about my bipolar because we still get judged and I've suffered from being honest in the past; but to have people understand that I'm underdeveloped? Jesus.
But, like I said, I forget about it for the most part. I don't remember what it was like before onset and I never will. This is the only way of being I know. People will ask me from time to time if bipolar people are more or less likely to do x y or z and I just think "ask someone what it is like to be a twin... they have nothing to compare it to". Because I don't. I honestly don't remember what it was like to have a normal brain, to not have to take pills, to not have to question my emotions.
And that's OK, I guess. I'm upset about it at the moment but, as I've said twice now, I generally don't think about it and don't remember about it unless I'm triggered. And no, I'm not a trigger warning person or anything like that. It just so happened that something I listened to today made me think about it and got me upset. Luckily for me, I'll get over it and be just fine. I'm always fine.
I've never been allowed to be anything other than just fine.
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