Once More With Feeling

It's scary, but you can't just succumb to it and let MS ruin everything. Sure, you're going to lose your cognitive function at some point, but on the upside, you'll forget all the bad stuff. That's what I tell myself anyway, and I'm the same age in the same shoes.

That is a comment that someone left on my last post and I've been thinking about it. That and something Spectero said. I'd been posting on Facebook and I was just posting factual things but she told me that she kept thinking "you're better than this woe is me bullshit, stop it!"

That is a good friend right there. She knew I could take it and that it was for my own good. I still think, for the most part, that I was just being factual. But you can bet your ass I've been a lot more thoughtful when posting anything. And when I got the good news about my MRI from this year being identical to last year's, I posted that shit with as much celebration as I could. Seriously, I damn near cried when my neurologist told me. I think he likes me because I make him laugh. After he confirmed that yes, he was serious, I'd said "oh god, when you asked how I was I came very close to saying 'riddled with new lesions and a step away from a wheelchair' but didn't." He laughed his ass off at that. He also told me that yes, I should keep my 401K because he thinks I'll live a long and unencumbered life. The cognitive shit is going to happen, but slowly, and he doesn't foresee me having the physical issues. And this fucker is blunt so I trust him.

But so I'm going to try and push MS to the back of my life and not think about it. I'm not going to ignore it or anything, and I'm not going to be a pollyanna and assume everything is fine if I feel something. But sometimes I am right. I told the neurologist that I don't think the numbness I have sometimes in my left arm is the MS but that it might be related to my thyroid issue (hypo) because I vaguely remember numbness being why I went to my GP and had a blood test that showed I had a fat and sluggish thyroid. He told me I could well be right and explained that when stressed and having MS, some functioning will slacken because other neurons and things have to compensate. The numbness has subsided a great deal since finding out J most likely has sarcoidosis, I have a new job, and my MRI had such nice results.

I didn't go to work today. I didn't feel well and as shitty as it felt to call out so early into my new gig, I've been feeling shitty for awhile and needed the day. It's the weather, the stress of all that news, and being too busy. I need to slow down in my time off and just breathe. It's been nice tonight, making hash browns, doing laundry, and reading. It's been nice being alone for once, not at work, not dating, not hanging out with anyone.

I met a guy a few weeks ago. He picked me up at a bar as Spectero and I were leaving and I ended up talking to him for a couple of hours before going home. We've seen each other a bit and I like him but he's moving too fast. I said as much and he agreed we needed to slow down. He wants to be exclusive but I don't know him that well and don't know if he is someone I can necessarily dedicate myself to because we just don't know one another. I haven't heard much from him lately but that's OK. I'm not going to push it. I'm doing everything I never did before. Taking it slow, speaking up for myself, not trying to please because I feel guilty for not making someone happy. He's seven years older than me, has his own business, has three kids, and hasn't dated in three years. There are other things as well, but it isn't my business to tell. I just don't know, at this early stage, if it is something that will work out. I know it bothers him that I'll see other people but honestly, he knows he has no right to ask me to stop. And I've told him I understand how he feels and that if things seem like they are promising, he won't have to ask me to not see other guys because that isn't what I want. I want to be part of a pair and with someone who wants a life with me.

If it happens, fantastic, if not, OK. But I'm not rushing anything, not this time. That has never worked in the past and we all know the definition of insanity, yes?

I think I'm really going to like my new job. It is stressful because I'm new to it, of course, but I am going to dedicate myself to learning it all and being a damned good employee. I want the person who hired me to know that she didn't make a mistake. And I want to be good at this because I truly do think I can be and I do think I'll love it once I get it all down. There is just so much and it can be overwhelming but, at the same time, it's nice to be busy and have the hour it 12 with me thinking "already?"

So I'm going to try and approach life a bit differently now and see if I can't be happy again. I like being happy.