Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Third Time's the Charm Except When It Isn't

The bat and I broke up. Again. We lasted almost seven months this time for a total of three and a half years together off and on. Why did we break up? Because when I've asked him about living together in the future, he hasn't been able to say anything along the lines of "yes, once I sell the house and get Monkey settled into the next chapter of her life, I figure we can start looking for a new place." After three and a half years, he doesn't want to plan for a future together and he doesn't want to live with me.

It isn't the worst thing in the world, the hesitancy to cohabitate. The issue is the very real sense I get that I'm just a stop gap girl for him. Once Monkey goes off to college, the bat will be able to live his life in a different way, no longer worrying and looking after his child all the time. Don't get me wrong, Monkey will still be his number one priority, he'll just have far less responsibility and she far more autonomy. He'll get to start traveling and doing all the things he's put on hold in order to raise her. And that is fantastic and I'm happy for him. But it's been clear to me for some time now that I'm not part of this next stage. He told me once that he was in this for the long haul, for as long as I'd have him but he can't answer "yes" when asked "do you want to live with me?"

I'm too old for this type of relationship. I'm not a casual dater and at thirty six I do not want to be with a man that I see three days a week. I don't want to have a relationship commute for pity's sake. The bat lives nine miles from me, which isn't a great amount of distance but I already drive twenty three miles one way just to get to work. At the end of a stressful day, I would like to come home to someone who loves me and who is genuinely happy to see me (I think I stole that line from How to Get Away With Murder). I certainly don't want to continue living in my hood-ass apartment complex with Weed Matt leering at me and my stingy-on-the-hot-water shower.

The bat is a great guy. He's charming and affectionate and he makes me laugh. I enjoy being with him physically, just sitting on the sofa watching movies. He has a lot of great qualities and he isn't a bad guy because he doesn't want to build a life with me. But I can't continue to be with him, feeling like a stop gap girl, when there is a chance that there is a man who wants to build life with me is waiting. Love and happiness do not march up to your door and announce themselves. Mr. Right isn't going to pull the bat aside when we are having drinks at Kyoto and tell him "sorry to break this to you, but I'm supposed to be with her, not you." So I'm freeing myself up to hopefully find this person. And the bat is free to find someone who wants way less than I.

It was a fairly abrupt ending and I've deleted his number and he's unfriended me on Facebook (I feel ridiculous typing that but it is a real thing and it feels strange). We haven't spoken since he stopped by after work to pick up his belongings. Well, we messaged a bit this morning because I left something at his house and he accidentally gave me some of the Monkey's things when he brought bits and pieces I'd left at his house. But that isn't exactly talking, especially as it as just practical. We are done. I am sad and will continue to be so for some time but eventually things will improve and I'll be happy again. Last night my friend agreed to go to Happy Hour with me because Tuesdays were the days the bat spent at my place. Two other friends ended up joining us and I had a great time and it was the perfect distraction. I have really good people in my life who will help me get through this.

But for right now, I'm sad and I'm having to remind myself over and over again that he was never going to be "the guy" and that I deserve "the guy".  Hopefully I'll stop thinking about it altogether relatively soon.

Till then, I'm sad. And that's OK. 

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