Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Fox and Hound

So my date with Spanish Andy (SA) was last night and it went really well. We both arrived early and ended up talking for about three hours. I learned more about him as I prompted him a couple of times (he is great on the phone and on text message but extremely quiet in person if you can't engage him on a topic that interests him). I learned more about his work, which I knew nothing about, and we did hit on the unfun topics of what happened before and why I broke off with him and why I was ready now. In the end we both agreed we are looking forward to seeing where this goes but he is, obviously, a bit gun-shy because of what happened before. I'd have less respect for him if he wasn't a bit wary to be honest.

It's funny because I had a really great time and smiled the entire way home but I don't really know what to say about it now. I guess just that I'm hoping this goes somewhere and that we want the same things and we can progress a bit. It's nice that it wasn't a first date so it wasn't as nerve racking as it might have been but I definitely was still nervous. Fortunately, I was also exhausted because I barely slept the night before so I didn't have energy to be as nervous as I might have. Right now the ball is in his court (I am not saying that phrase again for a very long time because I've used it like five times since last night) with regards to the next day so fingers crossed. 

Monday, April 17, 2017

Spanish Andy Rides Again

Maybe? A couple of my friends came over for a cheese plate party yesterday (whatever, they were coming over so I made a badass cheese plate and we drank wine with it). They were mainly there because they felt I needed support since I just broke up with the bat and I really appreciated it. Last week, I'd texted both my friend A (I don't know if I've given her a nickname yet so she's A for now) and King Kong asking if, a month from now, I could reach out to Spanish Andy. He's this really great guy that I dated briefly before taking the bat back this last time. They both agreed I could and I planned on just texting him to apologize for not giving him a chance and hoping he was well.

Remember how I said there was wine? A can't drink due to medication so our friend Pants and I drank two bottles by ourselves. Yeah, we did that. Some how the topic of Spanish Andy came up and A was all "a month?! I thought you were going to reach out to him sooner than that!" That's when I unlocked my phone and handed it to her. My phone totally needs a breathalyzer. For real. Because A sent Spanish Andy a text saying "this is Cat. First, I wanted to apologize for ending things so abruptly. Unfortunately I just had a lot going on at that time. I would love to buy you a drink and catch up soon."

And homie got back to me like 12 minutes later. So we have plans to meet up at a bar tomorrow night, a place we went to back when we were dating. A and Pants took me to my closet so they could help me pick out a date outfit and so that's settled. Then A had to split and so it was just me and Pants, who decided I should call him. And I did. We talked for about 30 minutes and he was extremely nice (and he has a great voice, something I had forgotten about) and it was just fun (although I also wanted to throw up from nerves the entire time) and I think I said stuff about "if you'd still like to get to know me".

I have no idea if he is seeing anyone. I have no idea if he thinks tomorrow is a date or if it is just catching up over a drink. But why would a guy agree to go have a drink with a girl if he isn't interested? I mean, we went out on four dates something like seven months ago and it isn't like we knew each other at all before we met on a dating site. So this is totally a date right? Everyone is in agreement that it is but one of my friends thinks I should have asked if he was seeing anyone.

So now I get to feel incredibly antsy and anxious until tomorrow when I will totally want to bail but I cannot do that to this guy. Ugh. Dating (if this is dating) is the fucking worst. 

Thursday, April 13, 2017

April's Fool

This month has not been very awesome for me thus far and we are only about half-way through. On the first day, the bat and I dropped a drill press on my right forearm, causing me tremendous pain and requiring paid time off at random times and a wrist brace. Then I broke up with my long term bat (events were not related), which was very obviously not awesome. And now? Now I have to put one of my guinea pigs down because she has a giant eyeball just like Johann did when he had an abscess. I cannot afford to have her eye removed so down she will have to go. I didn't bond with her or her cage mate so I'm not crying as I type or anything but I do feel bad for the cage mate and for Bubbles.

Bubbles doesn't give a shit though so I should stop with the feels. Seriously, Bubbles probably gives zero fucks about anything that I attribute to her and is probably over grooming simply because she likes seeing her neurotic owner wring her hands and worry about dumb shit. All she wants is for me to feed her (all the time) and pet her when she wants. Jesus, this morning when I was trying to put her bowl down she got in my way and knocked the bowl out of my hands so it landed face down. I actually yelled at her and told her to go ahead and eat and I wasn't going to clean it up. She didn't give a fuck, she was too busy eating the food off the floor. I really should not own pets.

While this month hasn't been very kind to be thus far I still maintain my bizarre optimism. I tell my friends that May is probably going to be amazing or else April my own, personal, emotional March. In it came like a lion but out it shall go like a lamb. Basically, I'll probably win the lottery on the 15th, meet my soul mate sometime next week, gain Wolverine-like regenerative powers, and find someone who is desperate for an affectionate cat (who comes with her very own guinea pig!)

Speaking of what I tell my friends, I finally told one of my very best ones about my breakup. I actually didn't tell anyone until Monday night. I don't want it to be real (because who does?) and I'm embarrassed due to the whole on again off again nature of my relationship with the bat. I know at least two of my friends weren't happy that I got back together with him this last time so there was a certain amount of dog with tail between legs feeling to it. It doesn't help matters that I still have stupid girl brain fantasies of the bat coming to me and telling me all the magic words necessary to make that relationship work. Because even though I know this is for the best, girl brain cannot be controlled.

Anywho, I have seven hours left of my work day and then I get to go home for a three-day weekend. I plan on drinking too much, sleeping in as late as possible, holding a very exclusive pity party, and then cleaning the hell out of my apartment. Happy Easter! 

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Third Time's the Charm Except When It Isn't

The bat and I broke up. Again. We lasted almost seven months this time for a total of three and a half years together off and on. Why did we break up? Because when I've asked him about living together in the future, he hasn't been able to say anything along the lines of "yes, once I sell the house and get Monkey settled into the next chapter of her life, I figure we can start looking for a new place." After three and a half years, he doesn't want to plan for a future together and he doesn't want to live with me.

It isn't the worst thing in the world, the hesitancy to cohabitate. The issue is the very real sense I get that I'm just a stop gap girl for him. Once Monkey goes off to college, the bat will be able to live his life in a different way, no longer worrying and looking after his child all the time. Don't get me wrong, Monkey will still be his number one priority, he'll just have far less responsibility and she far more autonomy. He'll get to start traveling and doing all the things he's put on hold in order to raise her. And that is fantastic and I'm happy for him. But it's been clear to me for some time now that I'm not part of this next stage. He told me once that he was in this for the long haul, for as long as I'd have him but he can't answer "yes" when asked "do you want to live with me?"

I'm too old for this type of relationship. I'm not a casual dater and at thirty six I do not want to be with a man that I see three days a week. I don't want to have a relationship commute for pity's sake. The bat lives nine miles from me, which isn't a great amount of distance but I already drive twenty three miles one way just to get to work. At the end of a stressful day, I would like to come home to someone who loves me and who is genuinely happy to see me (I think I stole that line from How to Get Away With Murder). I certainly don't want to continue living in my hood-ass apartment complex with Weed Matt leering at me and my stingy-on-the-hot-water shower.

The bat is a great guy. He's charming and affectionate and he makes me laugh. I enjoy being with him physically, just sitting on the sofa watching movies. He has a lot of great qualities and he isn't a bad guy because he doesn't want to build a life with me. But I can't continue to be with him, feeling like a stop gap girl, when there is a chance that there is a man who wants to build life with me is waiting. Love and happiness do not march up to your door and announce themselves. Mr. Right isn't going to pull the bat aside when we are having drinks at Kyoto and tell him "sorry to break this to you, but I'm supposed to be with her, not you." So I'm freeing myself up to hopefully find this person. And the bat is free to find someone who wants way less than I.

It was a fairly abrupt ending and I've deleted his number and he's unfriended me on Facebook (I feel ridiculous typing that but it is a real thing and it feels strange). We haven't spoken since he stopped by after work to pick up his belongings. Well, we messaged a bit this morning because I left something at his house and he accidentally gave me some of the Monkey's things when he brought bits and pieces I'd left at his house. But that isn't exactly talking, especially as it as just practical. We are done. I am sad and will continue to be so for some time but eventually things will improve and I'll be happy again. Last night my friend agreed to go to Happy Hour with me because Tuesdays were the days the bat spent at my place. Two other friends ended up joining us and I had a great time and it was the perfect distraction. I have really good people in my life who will help me get through this.

But for right now, I'm sad and I'm having to remind myself over and over again that he was never going to be "the guy" and that I deserve "the guy".  Hopefully I'll stop thinking about it altogether relatively soon.

Till then, I'm sad. And that's OK.