Sunday, October 9, 2016

Stupid Shit That You Come Across As An Adult

Remember being a kid and thinking all those thoughts about what life would be like as an adult? Look, I was the last little shit to be in a hurry to grow up because I had zero interest in bills and being responsible for myself. But we all dreamed of having pizza for dinner every night and staying up late and watching the shows that were "for adults."

Then we got to do that shit and you know you did it. You totally ate pizza so much that you got sick of it and you probably still buy candy whenever the fuck you want because mom and dad aren't in charge of your teeth anymore. And we all stay up far too late to feel good in the morning when we have to deal with the realities that come along with adulthood.

But we've lived the dream, haven't we? Fuck yeah Imma eat this fruit roll-up without having had a sensible meal before hand. In fact, I'm probably gonna eat like three fruit roll-ups after a bag of goldfish crackers and a couple of string cheeses that are serving as my dinner for the night. Because I'm an ADULT mother fucker. I can do this shit now.

What you don't dream about is stupid shit. And I don't mean bills and car registration and health insurance. I mean the really, really stupid shit. Like how you can't count on your mom to answer all of your questions all the time or, for that matter, another adult. I asked my boyfriend (yes, the Bat because we are still doing this thing) the other day what "scratch restaurant" meant. As in "Chedder's Scratch Restaurant." He said "made from scratch?" Oh my god dude, do you know or are you guessing? Because if I'd asked my mom, she would totally have known exactly what it meant because she is a GROWN UP and GROWN UPS know everything. I fucking think it means "made from scratch" but I'm looking for a reliably trusty resource to confirm this, not some weak ass "uhm maybe" answer.

Think about it, how many stupid ass questions did you ask your parents growing up? "I wonder why you only see old time cars in the summer", "why are there so any funeral parlors here?", "what does that billboard mean?" Even if your mom or dad didn't actually know the answer, you know damn well they probably gave you one with confidence. For the record, my mother always told me what she thought the billboards meant, told me that a lot of funeral parlors meant it was an old established city (I asked her this as a 28 year old when I lived in Columbus, by the way) and explained that insurance is hella high on these old timey cars so you are going to drive in the summer rather than the winter when they are more likely to get all fucked up (this was asked when I was an actual kid and lived in Delaware where ice and snow and salt and shit were a real thing, not this fake ass weather they have in Texas.)

But it gets dumber. I legit texted my mother telling her I was getting rid of a hand-mixer I'd grown up with today. Why is this news? Well, because I grew up with this fucking thing and my mom gave it to me when I moved out of the house. Look, we aren't rich people with a bunch of fucking heirlooms OK? I don't know where this 1970's looking hand-mixer came from, just that it as ALWAYS in my life as a kid and, for all I knew, it was her first big girl purchase. For all I knew, my mom had all these fond memories of it both from her using it and her teaching me how to bake and how to mix this or whip that.

Nope. Mom didn't know what the fuck I was talking about until I sent her a picture and even then, I'm pretty sure she had to eyeball it real good to see what the fuck I was talking about. But I had to check because what if it mattered to her? Look, this is a woman who put three ugly ass "pinch pots" in her curio cabinets alongside her Lladro statues because her babies' artwork was precious. Seriously, I legit grew up in Delaware with a laundry room that was essentially an art gallery of shitty little kid paintings and drawings that my brothers and I did. Parents save this shit because a) it is meaningful to them and b) everything we do as children is AMAZING. Nobody ever pinched a pot and painted it in those colors like I did. And nobody put together that 3D extravaganza like Eldest Brother. We were god damn geniuses and my mother had to preserve that shit.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you have a parent who was a really GOOD parent, they make you feel like every little thing you did is totes amazing. Because of that, every stupid thing you touched as a kid has history and meaning if only to you. Considering that my mom still has our stupid pinch pots to this day, the fact that I ran it by her before throwing out her hand mixer is not beyond the pale.