Thursday, May 5, 2016

Silly Sad Girl

I broke up with the Bat on Sunday. He plans to move out of the country next year, after his daughter graduates. I can't go with him for numerous reasons (mostly centered around my debt) so he is actively planning on leaving me. I've known for longer than I care to admit and I should have ended things then. Maybe it would have been a bit easier. I did it now because I know it would hurt even worse if I invested another year in this relationship. And what kind of year would that be, knowing that it was temporary?

I made a foolish decision when he and I got back together and then another foolish decision when I decided to gamble and open myself up to loving someone. I knew better than to do that. Now I'm heartbroken and I spend my day trying to get through work so that I can go home and be sad. Then I go home and spend my evening doing just that, being terribly sad and ugly crying. This breakup has turned me into a 17 year old girl. I got rid of my Facebook account, partly because I've wanted to for awhile now and partly because I didn't want to constantly check his page (who does that at 35?!?!?!) I also got rid of Facebook Messenger because it was becoming an unhealthy distraction. I used it for the sole purpose of seeing if he was online or when he was last online. For no other reason than I wanted to know.

I miss him but can't tell him because I'm not allowed to. Just as I'm not allowed to be upset when he moves on and lives happily ever after with someone else. I'd say I don't even get to miss him but I'm realistic and I can't control that. I miss him and love him and I hope that he does get to move overseas and be happy because he's put his life on hold to raise his kid. After 18+ years he'll be free, finally, to focus on his own life. Of course he'll still be Monkey's father and he'll always be there for her, but she'll be more independent and he'll just have more freedom.

And he deserves it. I want him to be happy. I just wish it could be with me. But since I can't have that I'll instead settle for getting through this quickly because I'm doing pretty shitty on a daily basis right now. If nothing else, I need to kill the hope that insists on remaining inside because that is what hurts the worst and makes me feel the most ridiculous.