Sunday, February 21, 2016

Cars, Keys, & Cheese

Is your monthly car payment nearly half your rent? Do you enjoy parking wherever the fuck you want whenever the fuck you want? If you answered 'yes' to either of these questions, you are an asshole and probably live in my neighborhood.

I've mentioned before that I live in the 'hood (because it's hilarious) and one of the funnier things about this life is the ridiculousness of cars. People legit drive Jaguars and BMWs and all sorts of "luxury automobiles" and live in these poor people apartment complexes. What's more, they drive down the shitty roads with the potholes and concrete teeth sticking up everywhere. And they will ride your ass as you go 30 mph like they are prairie doggin' it hard. Good for you, hood rich. I hope you get a flat.

Other jerks like to park on the side of the main road or next to a bunch of parked cars as it suits them. I usually assume the car is broken down if it is along the main road but in the parking lot I stink eye them. You can't be bothered to pull into a spot while you run your quick errand? Seriously? You have to block people in so that you can go about your business because you are so damn important? I hope someone gets angry one day and backs into your dumbass as you are inside doing whatever is so necessary that you couldn't park like a decent human being.

My 'normal' keys are at that farm. I am in my apartment. I know, right? That is stupid. I was wearing this pink, pleather jacket with pockets when we went down and I put my keys in one of these to keep them safe. But then, whilst the Bat's mother and I were at Tractor Supply and Walmart, the Bat bought a little car to suit the interim before Monkey's insurance covers her totaled truck. He and his father got back to the farm before the moms and I and the Bat assured me he moved all our crap from the old car (his dad's as it happens) to the new one. Why I didn't check I will never know but when we got to his house, I couldn't find my keys and was looking everywhere when it came to me and I asked him about the pink jacket. He didn't know it was mine, he said. He'd been driving his dad's car for ages so why would his mother have this little jacket in the back, on top of other stuff no less? And I was wearing it on Friday!!! How did he not know it was mine? Fortunately, I have a spare apartment and car key and this does give me another excuse to not get my mail but he always makes fun of me for not being observant and now I have to open my car door with a key like a damn peasant. Harumph.

Honestly, I came up with the title for this blog post when the Bat was driving me to my place to grab my spare key and I noticed, again, all the asshole drivers in my area. But then I went to the store where I did, indeed, get some cheese and I do have a story so it fits.

So, because I'm a great big grown up who does things in good time rather than put them off and feel like an idiot come Monday, I went to the grocery store. I felt all gross and sweaty and dirty, which was awesome and a bonus to the task of grocery shopping on a Sunday. Even better, when I was ready to checkout and got to the self checkout kiosk thing that I like to use, the person waiting next to me was one of those who likes to be all up on you. Why do people do that? It's like they have zero sense of personal space and so you feel like you are an unwilling butt-buddy or something. And then I kept needing assistance but the cashier wasn't anywhere to be found and this lady, who only had one thing, refused to try another line and just sat on my ass the entire fucking time.

When I was done, I looked at her, ready to stink eye or say something but the bitch smiled at me and so I was thwarted.

Sigh, what a ridiculous day.

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