Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Conversation of Awesomeness - Probably Only I Find it Funny Edition

That Escalated Quickly
ME: Pick a day next week. I can go to downtown Garland if it helps.

SPECTARO: I was thinking about you earlier today. I have been so neglectful, but I have also been SO tired. Downtown does help, at least occasionally. I miss you. Good news is this is my last semester for my masters. Bad news is, I suck at not working my ass off for kids who deserve someone who does. You are a much better wife than I. I must try harder to be a better wife to my husband.

ME: You haven't been any more negligent than I. Work has just been kicking my butt and I've been working evenings and weekends. But I didn't want to go too many weeks again. And I basically live in Garland so no big deal to go downtown. Those kids are lucky to have you. If you've been giving less than 100% it is still 200% more than they are used to. Beating yourself up helps no one. If you become complacent I'll beat you up (smiley face). Never too late to be sweet to your husband.

SPECTARO: I think I love you most because you would kick my ass. Also, sweet was always about sex... he needs less and I don't know how to adapt to that.

I sometimes wonder how many people have given them 100%. I listened to a child (as I had students build DNA from fancy k'nex kit I bought) say repeatedly "I don't know how to play with toys" and then I considered that reality.

ME: You love me because you can tell me to get over myself and I won't get upset and I'll keep you straight too. Maybe HUSBAND doesn't know how to play with toys either. Think in terms of peoples' experiences. Listen to HUSBAND and what he needsd and try more of that. Or take a lover, I don't know.

SPECTARO: HUSBAND appears to need more sleep. I can't fix that. Also, I am WAY too tired to take a lover :)

ME: Oh, in that case, make HUSBAND drink more or drug him. Seriously, I'm going to start charging you for this shit.\

SPECTARO: lol, you probably should. He won't drink more. Need more information about drugging him... roofies? Viagra? Not sure what product or where to obtain such... although the gas station near you would be my first stop.

ME: Making people drink more or drug them is my go to like Dear Abby suggests counceling or "speak to a priest". Get a prescription for ambien or I can get some flexeril from Bat. And now we have officially have digital correspondence that sounds like the start of a murder plot. See you on Dateline bitch.

SPECTARO: We are so beyond ambien. We are at tramazodone and its cousins. And dateline it is!

ME: Bat has pain killers as well. And all kinds of rope. His ball gags have holes so you're on your own there. Wait, we were talking about what again? School fundraisers, right?

SPECTARO: Absolutely. And gardening.

ME: I was knitting earlier so that fits. The chair is against the wall. The. Chair. Is Against. The Wall.

SPECTARO: The rooster has flown the coop. Flown. The. Coop.

ME: Fuck! You never said anything about guns!! WHO HAVE YOU BROUGHT INTO THIS?!?!?!?!?
SPECTARO: Why do I feel unsure about whether to google rooster, flown, or coop first?