Tuesday, December 22, 2015

All You Need is Love.. and Ammunition

Did you know that Eva Braun tried to commit suicide twice? This was well before she chowed down on some cyanide alongside her hero, Adolph. The first time, she shot herself in the chest with her father’s pistol and historians believe she did so in a bid for attention from the fuhrer of her fancy. Think about that for a moment. This chick, who was twenty at the time, had a lady boner for a guy and in order to impress him, she fucking shot herself. In the chest. I clearly need to step up my game if I want to keep the Bat interested in me because everything in comparison to Braun seems like phoning it in. I mean, what do you do when you want your man’s attention or feel neglected? Talking to the Bat is small beer compared to Braun, as is, you know, subtly rubbing his manly downunder. Then again, as much as I like the Bat and think he is the bee’s knees, I’m not going to deliberately give myself a papercut let alone a gunshot wound in order to turn his head.

Of course, I would never refer to him as being an atrocious monster* of the lowest form either, showcasing yet another difference between me and das hausfrau.

The above is brought to you by a slow work day. Have I mentioned before that if IT ever digs into my browser history I’ll look like a maniac? When things are slow and I don’t have anything to do, I end up googling the most random shit and learning about all sorts of things. The other day I googled “what is the difference between one humped camels and two humped camels?” I’ll also just do a query about random trivia (I now know that penguins have knees and elephants are the only mammals that cannot jump) or celebrity gossip or something character building like that. Usually, however, it’s a search for the keywords “mysterious disappearances” which leads to me jumping down a rabbit hole about a singular disappearance, which, in turn, often has me googling for information about suspects involved in either the disappearance or possibly linked murder. So, basically, my search history is about animals, celebrities, and kidnappings/disappearances/murders/murders. And “Eva Braun suicide” thanks to today’s reading of book review.

I wanted to see if I’d talked about my google history in a separate post recently so I went back and skimmed the last few entries. Remember how it seemed like I never saw my boyfriend anymore because the kiddo didn’t have her license yet? That feels like it was ages ago when really, it was like that until mid-late October. Now we see each other so often that we occasionally upset the other with careless statements. This weekend, the Bat made a reference that was essentially comparing me with his exes as though we were all on a level playing field with one another. Needless to say, I was insulted. Also this weekend, I was teasing the Bat about how he is the poster child for boys being made of snakes and snails and puppy dog tails because he is so gross. I obviously went too far because the next evening, he sort of apologized for being so gross and so I guess thought I’d meant it.

What I'm getting at is that we spend enough time together that we become jerks to each other. In fact, I was surprised when he invited me to go out for a drink this past Sunday because I couldn’t believe he’d want to spend more time with me. Not that I’m not rad as hell and everything, just that maybe he felt a bit of Simply overload. Nice to know I was wrong. Also nice to know that we still get along really well and our relationship hasn’t disintegrated into some hellish nightmare or anything.

Go team!

*Eva wouldn’t have used those words about her boyfriend/40 hour husband; there is a lot of evidence that she was completely unaware of all of the horrors Hitler created because she was kept in the dark and lived a very isolated life. That being said, she still had terrible, terrible taste.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Still Here. Still Boring.

I have nothing to write about, that is why I haven't updated this blog in awhile.

The Monkey was in a car accident in which her truck flipped but she is OK, just a bit battered and annoyed that the process of replacing her truck is taking so long (she wasn't at fault). She bounced back pretty quickly, save for her aches and pains, and went from being shook up to enjoying the attention and just being really annoyed at the inconvenience. Say what you will about teenagers but they can be really resilient. It happened on the 8th and I've never been more scared in my life. I actually left work but decided to go home rather than the hospital because I figured the last thing Monkey needed was for me to be there crying and losing my shit. She apologized for messing up my birthday, which was nice of her but really, I had zero fucks to give about my damned birthday at that point.

The Bat's parents are finally selling their old home so he and I may get paid a bit for all the work we've done on the farm but we may not and that's fine. At very least we should get to do more renovation work since there will be money to redo the kitchen and bathrooms. We haven't really done a lot of work lately although the Bat has helped with some of the outdoor stuff and we were able to move in furniture this past weekend (the floors were redone and baseboards installed). The Bat hurt his back last weekend and moving the furniture didn't help so he and his daughter are both achey moving around like old people every so often. Makes me feel like a hot young thing.

Work is work. I still enjoy it and I find moments where I can see my growth and improvement. But work is boring to write about and nobody wants to read about it.

I turned 35 and, aside from the Monkey adding 17 years to my life and scaring the hell out of me, I had a great day. My friend Tig brought me treats at work and the Bat and I had dinner with friends of ours. My mother gave me some lovely gifts and the Bat gave me a "luxurious bath pillow" and a bathtub tray complete with glass and candle holder so I feel like a god damn queen when I take baths now. I have yet to actually light a tapered candle but I've drank wine and read books like a champ. It was an extremely thoughtful gift because the Bat knows I love taking baths and just soaking like a lazy bones.

I'm actually doing Christmas this year. I'm not thrilled about it but whatever. We are going to go to the farm and so I figured I may as well be a team player. I bought presents for the Bat, Monkey, and the Bat's mother (he's buying for his dad) and we'll most likely go down in the early afternoon of Christmas day since Monkey works Thursday evening (it's her first day back to work since her accident).

See, boring? I've decided that I'm going to try and eat healthier. I, like so many other people, try this from time to time and then say fuck it and go back to pizza and cookies. I'm not doing any special diet or anything, but I'm going to try this kale smoothie recipe I found that doesn't require banana in order to up my fruits and vegetables game a bit. And I'm just going to try to make better choices. I finally started doing yoga again so it seems as good a time as any to throw some kale smoothies into the mix, you know?

So there you have it. I haven't written a post in over a month and after all that waiting, all you get is shit. You're welcome.