Sunday, March 22, 2015

Yoga Lady - A Complicated Relationship

I think I may have mentioned that I’ve started doing yoga. It’s a very brutal regimen, too, 20 minutes three times a week. Because I am a badass, obvs.

Or, rather, that’s how it began. The I realized how fucking weak it sounds when you basically say “I do 60 minutes of exercise every week” when you are supposed to do something like 30 minutes a day for at least five days. Or something. I don’t know, numbers are stupid. So I recently decided to start doing the 40 minute session from my app, something I’ve done one time about six or so months ago when I first downloaded the thing (shut up, you probably have sixteen or so apps on your devices that you don’t use. How many pigs have you thrown birds at lately, huh pal?)

First of all, I make really random assumptions based on nothing. I assumed that yoga was easy because… I don’t know, maybe because the pants are so comfortable. Yeah, it isn’t and my chest has hurt for about a month now (cause I think I started a month ago). Did you know that can happen? It can. Turns out that you have muscles in your chest and yoga stretches them just like it stretches everything else. I actually realized that it isn’t easy when I did the 40 minute session that one time six or so months ago and could barely move the next day.

But I’ve gotten used to it so I decided that I’d try to start to mix it up and after I tried the second level of difficulty for the 20 minute session, I decided that I’d be better off sticking to level one difficulty but for the 40 minute session. And that is when I became a total bitch to Yoga Lady, the chick who narrates the sessions. First of all, why do I have to do 16 Sun Salutations in a 40 minute session? I just spent about five minutes trying to find a YouTube video to link so you could see what Sun Salutation is but apparently everyone does it differently and my baby version isn’t something anyone wants to put up on YouTube. So Google it and pick whichever version you like best.

Now, I don’t actually mind Sun Salutation. I mean, it’s no Corpse pose, my favorite, but I think I actually do enjoy this one. What I do not enjoy is doing it over and over again. The first 20 minutes of my session comprises poses where you are standing. You begin with SS (which you do four times) and then, you do SS again after every… single… fucking ….pose. That repetition makes me insane for some reason. Probably because I keep shoving all that fresh blood into my head when I fold forward. I find myself thinking things like “really bitch? Again? I think I’ve got it OK? Enough saluting the god damn sun. I don’t wave at people every time they look at me. The sun has been officially saluted and I do not need to be all up its asshole.”

During the 20 minute session I tried at the second level of difficulty, Yoga Lady announces Bridge Pose. This is a lot like the version I do in my baby level 20 minute session (although A: we don’t hear anything about breast bones or opening up your chest or whatever and B: No way do I look like that when I do it). So cool, Yoga Lady says Bridge Pose and I’m all “I got this” because you know, yogi over here. I’m in that position for awhile so I figure it’s going to be the same thing. Nope! Suddenly Yoga Lady tells me to extend my left leg into the air and says to keep it there for “a couple of breaths.”

That bitch is a fucking liar. A couple breaths is like 30 fucking seconds and I’m weak as Hell so I had to lower my leg and say, out loud “bitch, you said for a couple of breaths”. At this point, everyone in the world should be grateful that I do yoga using my iPad in either my bedroom or living room, not out in public. But seriously, how does “a couple of breaths” equal more than 10 seconds at the greatest. ‘A couple’ means two. We all know that. Stupid fucking lady with her grand love of Sun Salutations and not understanding how amounts work. I was sweating and panting through 20 minutes of yoga. The people on the videos never look like they are sweaty or panting.

And OK, I know I'm entering into bitch eating crackers territory but... In every session there is this one thing that just kills me. If I do a pose that begins on my belly, it ends with Yoga Lady saying "Release pose, lying face down." If I begin a pose n my back, Yoga Lady says "Release pose, lying face up". What the fuck are you people doing that you need this direction? Are you coming out of bridge pose and doing a spin half way down so that you land on your belly? Do you release from Sphinx pose into a random side plank? Do you come out of any mother fucking floor pose back into the standing Mountain pose? Really????

Calm, peaceful, feel good yoga is a scam. But I’m going to continue doing it because I want to get better at it and I need to do some sort of exercise. I think I’ll just have to work really hard at focusing on the movements and saving any feelings of rage until I’m done. Maybe once I get good at this I’ll stop holding it against Yoga Lady and I’ll just view her as a helpful instructor.

Right now, however, she is a fucking bitch. I don’t know how the lady in the actual video can stand it.

I did a Google image search of 'yoga' and that cat picture was by far the best thing to appear. When I clicked on it, I was taken to this site and someone had placed that pic in the comments. That is the best I can do to tell you that the cat pic is not mine.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Dating Sucks - Single Fathers Edition

I never really dated. I met my first ‘real’ boyfriend when I was 17 and we just ‘hung out’ rather than dated. We were in high school, didn’t have cars, and we lived in Delaware and there are few dating things to do there. I met my ex husband (also my second boyfriend) when I was 23 and in college at the University of Delaware. We went on three dates (two dinners and one movie watching extravaganza in my dorm room) before we were boyfriend and girlfriend and then became husband and wife for nearly five years (we were together for a total of nearly seven years).

So yeah, my experience with dating was pretty much nil until I was 32 and moved to Texas for my job. I had been in Texas for six days with just a blow up mattress, a suitcase worth of clothing, a guinea pig, a knitting bag, and a patio set that I kept inside at the time when I met my first Texas guy (my belongings were in transit). I actually met him in a bar, which is not something I ever thought would happen. I’d been in my apartment for days, just looking at the walls and talking to my guinea pig when I decided I needed out. There are a ton of places within walking distance of my first apartment so I decided, fuck this shit, and walked to Sport’s City. I was filthy, not having showered, was wearing my worst pair of jeans, no bra, had my hair in a bun, and was wearing my glasses whilst I knit at the bar.

That’s a thing that happens. When I lived in Ohio (moved there with my ex so he could go to school), I could go to a bar with a book or a newspaper and be left alone. In Texas? Dude, I’ve gone to a bar with a Kindle, knitting, and headphones and had guys try to chat me up. And I’m not super hot or anything, just a regular girl. Texans just don’t follow my rules, I guess.

So I met my first Texas boyfriend whilst knitting in a bar. Turns out he fought with his friend for twenty or twenty five minutes to get him to change seats because soon to be boyfriend really wanted to talk to me. Great story right? “Oh, he argued with his friend so he could talk to me and from there…” but that shit didn’t work out. That’s all good and shit but first Texas boyfriend taught me a very valuable lesson.

Bitch, you are 32 years old and guys in your date range either have kids or want them.

Dude and I talked on the phone for about an hour before our first date. It was during dinner that he told me he had three kids. What. The. Ever. Loving. Fuck?????????

Seriously, I was 32 years old feeling like I was 23 apparently and that shit shocked me. I mean, dude was only a few years older than me but had THREE fucking kids. That is when I realized that just because I feel super young because I’m stupid and incompetent, I’m actually an adult. In my time in Texas, I’ve not dated a single guy who did not have children.

That was my first lesson when it came to dating as an adult; dudes have kids. If you don’t have children, are much younger than me, don’t want children, or have never really thought about it, you’re welcome. You reach an age where your dating pool includes single fathers.

Maybe you like kids, want kids, babysat a lot. I don’t know, you are just a kid person. I am not. I’ve nothing against the miniatures but I’m no good around them because I don’t know what the fuck to do or say and they scare the hell out of me. I end up talking to kids, regardless of their age, like they are adults. This works OK with the older ones and befuddles the younger ones. I dated one guy for over a year, a fabulous single father of a teenager. I told her I had little to offer but I helped her by buying her classic pieces for her wardrobe and superficial stuff like that. Actually, I recently showed her how to iron a tricky shirt by which I mean I ironed a tricky shirt for her. I have no idea what thinks about me (she is a teenager after all) but I do know that she not only trusts my domestic judgment but she pays attention and learns from it. That is a rad feeling and a good byproduct of dating a father.

That is the first thing I learned when I started dating and really, it was like putting a kid in an advanced class with no warning, “Hello! I’m here to teach you how to date because you are old, out of the game, and don’t know how shit works.” YES!!!! ……””Now, dude has a kid…”

Yeah, I knew dating would be rough. OK, I didn’t know that and I had no idea what it entailed but CHILDREN? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? Seriously, that is not a joke. That shit happens and you have to go along with it because you forgot, whilst thinking about dating, that dudes your age either have kids of want them.

The worst part is that single dads like to talk to you about priorities. Look, my dad walked out when I was around six and my one daddy issue is “if you have children and they are not priority alpha, go kick rocks”. Seriously, if your kids are not your top priority I don’t want to know you. But single fathers like to tell you that you are going to be their second priority, right after their kid(s).

This is bullshit in my experience. I don’t really think the guys are dicks, I just think they haven’t thought it through. In my experience, I’ve come after the children, family, friends, work, and that guy who works at 7-11. Again, as I said, your kids better be your first priority but don’t tell me that you are looking to devote yourself to a girlfriend when you can’t/won’t/etc.

I don’t know what it is like and have no idea how hard it must be. I think these fathers have just settled into a routine and made their lives and when they started dating, they didn’t realize that the girl wanted to be part of everything. My sample size is ridiculously small so I’m not going to generalize. I just know that in my experience, the single fathers I’ve dated went into it with good intentions and then realized they just really missed sex.They aren’t monsters or anything, they just didn’t realize what they wanted or where they were and accidentally used me.

It is nice to know I’m good at sex though. Imma put that shit on my resume.

Oh, and FYI, single fathers, just like all parents, don’t want to hear it from your childless ass. I do understand that I have no experience and so a parent doesn’t want me to tell them how to keep their kid from throwing a tantrum (I’ve never offered that advice) but I know when a kid is spoiled and if I like you or, even more important, I like your kid, I’m going to say something. Don’t. Save yourself the trouble, even if the guy’s mother talks to you multiple times about how his kid is spoiled. You probably won’t be with this guy for the long term, especially if his kid is older, and what happens will happen no matter what. And if you think the guy is showing favoritism towards one of his kids over the others? Yeah, just shut up.

You aren’t a parent and the fact that you are a human being does not give you the credentials to say shit to parents. Mothers and fathers are untouchable heroes and unless you are going to give butterfly kisses to their assholes, they don’t want to hear it. Lesson learned the hard way. On the one hand, I totally get it. “You aren’t a parent so what the fuck do you know?” But what if a non-parent tells you they saw your sweet angel killing an animal? Can that childless person express concern or should they keep that shit to themselves?

That was a very hyperbolic example, obviously, but that is what it feels like. Express concern and get yelled at because you have not expressed a child from your uterus and so know nothing. So whilst you are dealing with the dating minefield and find yourself with a single dad, keep that in mind.

You’re welcome

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

So Much Fail, So Much Hilarity

Let's Get Waxed!
Ugh. I almost made it this time, almost had a completely unremarkable Brazilian wax. But then, suddenly, the lady was guiding my fingers so that I could spread out my labia. Why? "It keeps it straight and doesn't hurt as much." I didn't ask, she just said, after she tore the hair out "see? It doesn't hurt as much because you kept it straight for me!"

Why? Is this common? Do all women have weird/comical experiences when they get their lady garden eradicated? If I could afford electrolysis I think I'd go for it. What's worse is I needed other items waxed. I don't know if I mentioned that time when, after doing my eyebrows and preparing my upper lip, Lee asked if I wanted my chin done. Dafuq? I'm already growing a beard? Well yeah, that happened and I felt like balls about it. But now I know to ask if I need it done and I'm nonchalant about it.

Bitch waxed me down my fucking neck! I have hair that needs to be waxed from my freaking neck? I knew it. My father was a Sasquatch.

Lunch and Learn - Learn to Read the Email
I signed up for a lunch and learn at work about lady hormones. It was billed as being about thyroid issues and menopause. I was all, meh, I'll go, I have a thyroid and can use a free lunch (because my company caters in some good shit sometimes). They were also going to award one lucky winner a $50 Visa card so why not?

I was running late this morning and just as I was about to throw together a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I remembered "oooo! Lunch and learn! Score!" So I stopped at Starbucks and got a grande cappuccino (notice I did not say non-fat because apparently full fat dairy is good these days) and ealt with traffic and go to work.

I was puttering along, studying documentation for something I'll have to test down the road when I decided I'd better check the email about the lunch and learn so that I knew where to go. That is when I saw that it said, very clearly "remember to bring our lunch! :) ".


Long story short, I ended up spending an hour of my day at a lunchless lunch and learn about fucking menopause. I didn't even win the god damn gift card.

Life's disappointments, amirite? I had two string cheeses, a handful of bagel chips, a healthy version of a fruit rollup, and a tiny bit of fruit. Awesome.

To be fair,  I did make this awesome dinner of chicken stuffed with onions, mushrooms, parsley and swiss cheese wrapped up in bacon with a side of steamed broccoli. But not the point, my friends, not my point at all.

My point is... give me fifty dollars. 

Monday, March 9, 2015

Oh How I'm Elderly

Has anyone else noticed how deeply confident has gotten in the last few weeks? I was certain we were supposed to have nice-ish weather today but it appears to be chilly and rainy so I checked the site and it literally says "rain for the next 120 minutes." I've noticed this for awhile but forgot about it. That Friday when it snowed last (two Fridays ago?) I looked at the site to find out when there would be a break so I could drive home. But, alas, the site's confidence is not matched by accuracy (I know, strange given the site name) and so it is not exactly the greatest predictor. Looks like it's back to peeking out of the window for me. Although the WAPP app thing that I finally downloaded on my phone seems to be pretty good (the Bat only tried to get me to download it for about six months ago...)

This is what I am now, old. I talk about the weather. I legitimately try to remember to tell so and so that I've noticed that horrific intersection on the way to their neighborhood has gotten better and the lights stay green longer. I clutch my pearls when I realize the left turn arrow is still green even though the oncoming traffic has a green light as well (it's at a highway intersection so it's truly scary although I've yet to see anyone at the problematic light). I recently went on a 3 mile walk on a Saturday and I can still feel it today, a Monday. And I mean I can really feel it and got really excited the other day when I remembered I had Ephsom's Salts (or however you spell it).

I drank a cup of coffee at around 4PM yesterday and that resulted in an utter inability to sleep. It was so bad I had to work from home today because I couldn't trust myself to drive. Coffee has never affected me like that before but I guess it's ovaltine from here on out should I want a warm afternoon beverage.

I mean, yeah, I've always been super old in some respects but this is getting ridiculous. 

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Broken Wine Glasses and Dating as An Audition for a Friend

I'm feeling slightly better, mainly because I refuse to allow myself to wallow too much because get it together gurllll, you have an awesome life. But yoga and this site helped as well. A quick warning about the tumblr I linked: it needs more content because OH MY GOD IT IS SO GOOD.

So. I don't consider myself a clumsy person by nature. I mean sure, I fall and run into things and that sort of stuff but I'm not a butter fingers and I suddenly have the reflexes of a mongoose when I'm about to drop something or someone throws something my way. Except when it comes to wine glasses. I know what you are thinking "yeah, drinking will do that to you" but I think I've only broken one wine glass whilst actually drunk. The others have been when I was washing them or I had just poured a glass and bumped the table and the fucker broke even though it hit the carpet. Carpet for pity's sake! So I have one proper wine glass left and decided I'd buy a set if I could find it for cheap. And I did! I found four glasses for $9.99 at Ross today and was rather pleased (I also found a set of chip clips in the shape of monkey faces for under $3 in case you were interested). Then I got home and went to put them away.

A: They do not fit in my cupboards because they are too tall.
B: I'm pretty sure these are wine enthusiast glasses because I'm pretty sure I can fit a full can of soda in one.

I get it. People have large glasses for red wine so they can swirl it around to aerate it and get a sense of its legs (I even know what that means) and all of that but seriously? The, uhm, where you put the wine portion of the glass is legit the size of a a softball.

Oh, I also bought a vase. I have one, but I use it for kitchen utensils. I bought a vase so that I'd be prepared should I or - preferably - a nice young man buys me flowers. I've a few exes who refuse to buy bouquets of flowers because they are just going to die and they'd rather buy a plant, which will last. I'll never get that thinking. For one, girls like me really like bouquets of flowers so refusing to buy them is really more about the guy than the girl. Also, yes, a plant will last way longer but let's face it, when it comes to me, the love or the like or the relationship probably won't last. I do NOT need a reminder of you if we break up. Relationships - with me at any rate, I'm sure my brothers and BFF will all end up with matching tomb stones (and I mean that in the least morbid way possible) - are ephemeral and don't last. So why not just buy me a nice bouquet to put in a vase that I can look at. Besides, I have house plants so yours will just blend in.

A girl likes flowers damn it.

In other news, I'm still sort of dating. I've had two dates the guy with a kid who is shorter than me and who is totally fine if we just end up friends. I think we might just end up friends because I have a feeling he has a lot of "issues" and I don't have the energy for that. I mean, look at me! I have issues and I have them in check 92% of the time and I'm 34 and getting better at it every year. Dude is 40 and I feel like he should be even better at keeping his shit in check than I am because for one, he is 6 years older and for two, he's a fucking parent and in my head, being a parent, whilst allowing you to remain a human, makes you more mature and together. That sounds grossly unfair seeing as age and parenthood cannot suddenly fix the chemical structure of your brain but I also get the sense that this guy isn't doing anything about it. I know he's tried medication and had bad side effects so I'm not knocking him on that but there are many other drugs and there are many other therapies to try and I just get this feeling that he's one of those people who sort of revel in their depression.

I'm sorry but I have no time for that. I suffer from stupid shit but I take medicine and, when I need to, reach out to friends. I am accountable for my behavior, good and bad, and learn from my mistakes and do my best to see the sunny side of things. I'm fortunate in that looking for the bright side has always come naturally to me.

Maybe I just don't envision myself with a pessimist. He is super smart though, which is a huge turn on. I mean J was - and is - so fucking smart and that was what drew me to him, his great intelligence (and his sense of humor, of course). It's been awhile since I've dated a guy who is so clearly smarter than me. Batman was more capable in a lot of ways but I'm used to that because I've not really had many opportunities to learn woodshop or autobodyshop or whatever. And that was one of the few good parts of our relationship. But with this new guy, I fucking take notes when he talks sometimes (and he's fine with it though he did think it was cute I was using a crayola marker) because it's interesting and I want to remember it so I can think about it when I'm on my own.

He's also very understanding and likes me a lot and routinely tells me that I'm attractive and all that stuff girls (me!) like to hear. But I don't know. I'm taking it very slowly and will report when I have any news.

Enjoy the weekend, I have yoga to do.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Life, an update

I'm pretty tired of life at the moment. Not suicide tired or anything, just "wish I had millions of dollars so I could be a hermit" tired.

I hate my company and want a new job but that feels impossible. Someone hurt me really badly, I behaved like a weak and stupid woman, something I promised myself I'd never be, and it hurts a lot that the person who hurt me doesn't give a fuck.

I'm not going anything good with my life. I live in the ghetto (in fact, someone just screamed in a disturbing way) and I rarely go anywhere.

I never, ever wanted to grow up. I was never someone who could't wait to grow up. And I hate that it happened because being grown up fucking sucks and things hurt more than when you were a kid, even during the teenage years.

Just to be content would be very welcome right now but I'm so hurt and angry and ashamed that I'm afraid it'll never happen, that feeling of content.

How a person can fuck up her life so completely I'll never know, even though I've done it.