Saturday, January 24, 2015

Waxing, Seriously?

OK, for those of you who read this on the reg (hi all three of you!!!! and I'm being generous with saying three...) you know that I have some hilarious experiences when it comes to getting waxed. But here's the thing: apparently, this bitch cannot get waxed in a completely normal fashion where nothing happens. It was cute at first, fun for my blog, but at this point I'm just kind of WTF?

I went to the salon today and was seen pretty much right away, which was awesome. Even better, I got Lee, my usual lady who happily rips hair out of my eyebrows and pubis mons like it ain't no thang. Last time I saw her was in December so I asked how her trip back to Vietnam was, how her daughter's birthday was. She marveled at my memory because I recalled her daughter was born December 4.

Things were going great and she did her usual "brows and youaranoldwhiteladysotherestofyourhairyface first?" thing and I was all cool even though I had my honey badger on display. The wax was a little hot but I didn't say anything because here I had my regular girl and I felt comfortable. She even complimented me and said my skin looked better (I have horrible, adult acne ridden skin that only the mother of Java the Hut could love). We were good. OK, so she commented that she knew I must have had beer and wine the night before because she could smell it and I was all "shit, I'm a derelict" and embarrassed but whatev.

Then she got down to business with my lady garden. This is when stupid shit happens and today was no different.

Her phone rang.

And she answered it.

OK, first of all, thank you Lee for taking off your glove to answer your phone and not touching me till you put that glove back on. Nothing against Lee, of course, but I follow fucked up mommy bloggers and one is a trainwreck who waxes.

But I digress. She. Answered. Her. Phone. Not only that, she took a call waiting call as well, and then at least one call after that.

Look, I didn't really mind that she took calls and had to step away. I'm not one of those people who are all "bitch, you attend to my business NOW" sorts. But the thing is, my business was all out in the open as she spoke in Vietnamese, leaned on my leg as she spoke, and took calls.

Take your pants/skirt/whatever off and then take off your underwear. Lay on a flat surface with your business exposed and think about someone talking on the phone in another language as she uses your body as a causal counter to rest her elbow on whilst she says whatever to whomever.

I swear, one of these days I will go in and get waxed and have NOTHING to blog about. And that will be a good day. 

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Adventures in Dating, 2015 - On Sabbatical

Well that was certainly fast. I've decided to take a break from dating because it's exhausting and disappointing and disheartening, even if it is also, at times, comical. I made this decision over the weekend and when I told someone I'd been talking to that it wasn't in the cards, he asked if there was a reason and I was honest and said I just didn't feel like dating at the moment and was taking a break.

That shit really is fucking exhausting. And smart phones ruin everything because there is a sense of immediacy and "oh I'll be rude if I don't respond to every motherfucking text message I receive." That's a major reason I decided to take a break, I can't deal with having to communicate with people all the time and I really don't want to necessarily go on dates. Not now, I'm too tired.

Last night this jackass who handled things badly texted me in a friendly manner and asked how dating was going. I told him it was tiresome and I was taking a break to which he asked if that meant we could go out finally. That was fucking ballsy and I told him as much. He seems to have forgotten that when we last swapped messages, he intimated that I was a bitch who owed him an apology and that he basically did not wish me well but stated that I wasn't going to have any luck. I reminded him of this and he told me that I took it the wrong way. I wrote back saying that I had been kind to both of us when I used the terms "strongly intimated."

That is something that I kind of find universal about men. If they behave badly or hurt your feelings or anything at all, they will find a way to make it your fault, usually by telling you that you are overreacting and/or they didn't mean it that way. The truly brilliant among them will actually try and make themselves out to be the victim.

Is it any wonder I'm taking a break?

I have met some nice guys and have at least one friend out of my latest attempts. Possibly two friends but the second one is still pushing for dating even though I told him flat out that we weren't a match because I was looking for a childless man and he has a 7 year old. That's cool, whatever, I'm just not going to compromise for awhile until I absolutely confirm that what I'm looking for is akin to looking for a unicorn.

So for now, it is going to just be me and the cat and our exciting lives of the red laser game and being too afraid to walk down to the mailbox after dark. I'll hang out with friends from time to time but lately I'm preferring to just stay inside and either clean my apartment or sit in front of the fire with a blanket around my legs as I knit and watch stuff on Netflix or read my book. I am slowly working my way towards old ladyhood come to think of it.

And maybe that is just fine for now, just my speed. Right now? Men can fucking wait. I'm tired.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Adventures in Dating , 2015 - LOLZ Edition

So dating continues to suck big time but I'm trying to focus more on the hilarious and thought I'd share a brief list of the funnier contacts I've had.
  1. The 21 year old guys who would like to chat. No, son, I will not cosign a damn thing with you.
  2. The guys who, upon my telling them that I'm not interested because they've listed religion as part of who they are, suddenly become less religious.
  3. That guy with two kids who said he read my profile and when I told him he missed the part about no kids, told me I was seriously limiting myself because most guys our age who don't have/want children are either impotent or gay (I don't think he knows what impotent means). I thanked that one for his sweeping generalization and informed him that although it might be true in his experience, it was not in mine. Guys with kids can get pretty defensive.
  4. The guy who sent me a message telling me that he 'kinda' read my profile and who had the profile picture of his thigh tattoos.
  5. The guy who sent me an intial message reading "Hi there, how's your morning going? I was wanting to ask if you would be interested in a sugar daddy arrangement." Yeah, that happened, and dude is 39.
  6. ALL the guys who just look at the pictures and then message me even though they have kids/are religious/are outside my age range.
One weird thing is how much guys want to go from speaking on the site to texting because it is "easier". How? Look, almost everyone has a smartphone these days and we are all using the phone app to communicate during the work day so we are basically texting as it is. I don't necessarily want you to have my phone number and in the evening I like communicating on the site because for me, typing is easier than texting (little kid hands and fingers do not do well on little keyboards).

Sometimes I realize that I'm 34 and I'm one of two people I know that are single. Tits is single and she is 44 and could give a fuck really. Meanwhile I've become that girl you know who tells you about her goofy experiences with online dating. I sound jolly and like it's all just a lark but it actually sucks. All I want is a truly nice guy who will let me share a life with him and who will love me and take care of me as I love him and take care of him.

But I guess that is like saying I want a million dollars these days because even the self proclaimed 'nice' guys are jerks who bail on you and then just stop talking to you. Thank god I have the cat because at least this way I technically won't die alone.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Adventures in Dating , 2015 - One Revisited

Remember the really nice guy I went on a date with last Monday? 6'2, former firefighter, full of flattery and nice? We made plans to go out after work on Thursday to play pool, have a few drinks, and have some dinner. I was looking forward to it and I told him that I liked how nice he was and that I hoped that wouldn't change. He assured me that he was just a nice guy by nature so I was pretty happy.

About 45 minutes before I was going to leave, he texted me and said that he'd gotten a service call and had to drive to Fort Worth.I was really bummed because I'd been looking forward to it and I thought we'd have a good time. He was apologetic and when he got home around 9:30, he texted me, apologizing again. On Friday we confirmed that we were both free on Sunday and he asked if I like chicken fried steak (never had it). We talked a bit but didn't formalize any plans.

Haven't heard from that mother fucker since Saturday afternoon. Nice guy my ass. And he told me when we met on Monday that he was on call maybe twice a year and he'd just been on call that past weekend. So service call? Yeah, I'm guessing another girl agreed to go out with him that evening and she edged me out. That's fine and he could have just told me and I'd have wished him well. But to just stop talking to me abruptly and with no explanation? What the fuck? I was really confused and, of course, started wondering what I'd done and what was wrong with me. The Bat assured me that there is nothing wrong with me and that I'm a beautiful, intelligent woman and it's the guy's loss.

Once I figured out that he bailed on me and lied, I went to anger, which is nicer because I'm not sad. I didn't think he and I knew each other well enough to lie to one another and nice guys don't lie.

So now I have very little faith in men and can't trust anyone who says shit about being a nice guy because LIES! I'm not all bitter and jaded but this was a first for me so I'm still trying to adjust to it.

Back to the drawing board I suppose. Stupid men and liars. 

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Adventures in Dating, 2015 - Two

Last night found me at Dive Bar with CW, the A/V technician who rides a motorcycle but is lucky enough to be able to take public transportation to work. He provided a nice sigh of relief because, although he is 40, he didn't strike me at all as being an old man. That's something I think about now that I'm approaching my mid 30's; what will 40 be like?

CW is extremely into music but he told me he likes to lead off by letting people know he has a full time job because otherwise he'll look like a starving artist deadbeat, and that isn't exactly appealing to the ladies (he's dead right there). Although he rents a home, he is working towards improving his finances and credit because he would like to buy it from his landlord so that he can renovate it. Interesting mix of the artistic and the handy, have to give him that. He's also very smart and very witty and we laughed quite a bit. And yes, he is attractive.

He actually doesn't live too far from me and his family all lives in Rowlett, which is funny because of the whole small world thing. Apparently his parents and sister and a cousin or aunt or something all live right by one another so it's like a little compound. Tits's family is like that too, which goes to show that some families are super tight.

We only hung out for about two hours but I enjoyed myself. I did not, however, feel any romantic spark and I very honestly and apologetically (the people pleaser in me) told him so in the parking lot. He took it well and was very nice about it and said that sure we could hang out as friends. When I got home and showered, I saw he'd texted me, telling me that although his ego was a bit bruised, he'd get over it, and that he really respected and appreciated how honest and forthright I'd been. He told me that he thought I was a badass, beautiful, and funny. I responded with something or other and then he did something that no one else has ever done. He texted me and asked if there was something in particular that put me off. I responded that I didn't know what it was, I am just very aware of my own emotions. I told him he was clearly intelligent and funny and that I found him attractive but I just didn't feel anything. I told him that he reminds me of my friend Austin, whom I've known for something like 11 years now, and have never had romantic feelings for. I don't know why I was never romantically drawn to him either. And I assured CW that if I did have a reason, I would have told him. I also said that I respected that he'd asked me.

His response was sad because he said he get's told that he's a great guy A LOT but it leads nowhere so he was wondering if there was something off putting that he could work on. That was kind of awesome to hear because he wanted constructive criticism and doesn't look at the world as being filled with horrible women but also wonders if he needs to do something or make a change. I felt kind of bad that I couldn't give him anything.

I do hope we can hang out and be friends but we shall see.

Tomorrow I see TK again for some pool playing, a few drinks, and dinner. I'm meeting him directly after work, which is nice because it means I won't be out late like I have been the last two nights (shut up, I have to get up early for work so staying out till 9 on school night is definitely late, especially when I have to take a shower when I get home).

I will let you know how it goes. 

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Adventures in Dating, 2015 - One

So the plans changed do to one guy getting sick (I'll have coffee with him next Monday) and my day sucking, which led me to say "fuck yoga", which I'd planned to do when I got home and ended up going to the Dive Bar to meet a third guy, TK, at about 6.

38, 6'2, outdoorsy (camping!) and doesn't want kids. In fact, he's gone on dates with women and let them know he wasn't into kids and had them tell him on date four that they had them. WTF? He worked for quite a time as a firefighter but got burned out (no pun intended) because he was working full time and also volunteering on the weekends. Now he is a construction supervisor for an electrician company or, uhm, something. Very capable and very sweet and old fashioned. He told me that when I went to the bathroom he thought to himself "man, she's even prettier than her pictures". That was a lovely thing to hear (of course my dumb ass responded with "are my pictures that bad!?") and he was so sweet about it because he prefaced it by telling me he was observant from his various careers and pointed out various electrical problems that he'd noticed. I'm pretty sure he just didn't want me to think he was ogling me like a pervert.

We ended up talking for about three hours and it was really relaxed and comfortable and just nice. He's clearly looking to settle down with someone long term (yay!) and he honestly doesn't want kids. He said that I was a sweet person, straight forward, and honest, which I thought was very nice.

We are going out on Thursday night to play pool, have a few drinks, and have dinner. I look forward to it.

Tonight I see C at Dive Bar so I'll let you know. I asked Tits about dating multiple guys and she suggested that I go on two dates with each guy and pick the one I like the best. It's like being on my very own episode of Ghetto Bachelorette.

Wish me luck because I fucking need it. 

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Let's Try This Again Even Though It is Going to Suck

"Oh my god I hate dating!" I remember back in my naive years when I didn't understand this complaint. I took it to be something ungrateful, gorgeous, desirable people with their shit together would say as a humble brag right after lamenting how difficult it is to find a size two these days. Bitch you have men who want to take you out! Then I became a divorcee and moved to Texas and found out what they meant.

Dating is exhausting. First you have to make an online dating profile because you don't want a boyfriend in your tax bracket so going to the bars in your shitty neighborhood to meet people is out. If you prop up the bar where they serve shitty tap water you are probably going to think taking me to that bar for some tortilla chips and microwaved queso dip is a good idea for a date. I mean, OK, fine, I'm meeting someone at that bar for a drink on Tuesday evening but the word 'date' hasn't been used and it is more a meet and greet thing because he works till 5pm and coffee after 4:30 is out for me (remember, Bruce my lifestyle consultant? He said that the first 'date' is coffee, followed by fine dining).

So you finally get your profile set up to where you think you don't sound horrible and you slap up whatever selfie came out best from the Ross dressing room and then, after being bombarded with messages from a bunch of dudes you have no interest in (I'm looking at you 58 year old man who wants to chat), you find the filters and learn that if someone hasn't read your profile because why is a 20 year old guy messaging you, you can just delete the message. I'm cheap and use OKC because it is free and seems a bit 'classier' than POF (and let's remember, I met the lying, cheating Bat on POF). I hate my profile and feel like I need to tell any guy who contacts me that my photos are current except for the hair because this bitch didn't listen to me when I got it cut a month ago and so it is shorter than I want it but don't worry, it is still down to my shoulders, not like, a pixie cut.

Then you start talking to guys and getting to know one another online and that is exhausting. You have to be really careful in what you say and you fuck up and intimate something without meaning to and then have to trip over your feet apologizing and trying to explain. Then the guy wants to move to text because that is some how easier for them (I guess they just work from their phones and clicking on the app is too much for them?) So you text. The thing with texting is that you either feel compelled to explain why you haven't been responding (bitch, I have a life and luncheables are not going to purchase themselves and come marching to my door) or else tell the dude who apologizes for not getting back to you that it's cool because they feel that same sort of pressure to not seem rude.

I remember my first ever boyfriend saying - we were exes at this point - that it was fucked up for me to leave my first ever cell phone in my car because it made it harder for people to get a hold of me. I told him I didn't need people to be able to get in contact with me as soon as they fucking wanted and I only had the thing because my mom made me because I just started driving. But that was over ten years ago and people are now used to immediacy and shit and I enable it because I MUST ALWAYS KNOW IF SOMEONE HAS TEXTED ME HOPEFULLY THAT GOOD LOOKING GUY WHO SAID I'M PRETTY!

Then you set up a date and freak the fuck out. On the one hand, it gives you a reprieve (maybe) because since you've booked a date or meet up or whatever, you'll see the person soon so you can stop texting so god damned much. Seriously, my phone has been playing the harp sound notification sound all day and as nice as the attention is and as nice as these guys are, it's too much for me. I don't mind living alone and being on my own during the weekends because I'm peopled out by Thursday. So this all day of texting three different guys is just a bit much.

Then you go on the meet up or date and feel awkward and nervous and keep telling yourself "I swear to god, if you embarrass me I will never forgive you" and are so on edge you leave forgetting half of the conversation. Maybe you set up a second date and things work out. Maybe you go on a couple of dates before something happens that kills all romantic interest on your part and you shut down your profile because who wants to go through all that work to be disappointed again?

It really is the pits. So I thought, let's try this again, shall we? I have a meetup (tap water dive bar) on Tuesday evening and one for coffee on Wednesday afternoon. And there is still one guy I'm texting with that hasn't suggested anything but that will probably happen because we have a lot in common and seemed to like each other. Then there is that guy I'm going to have to tell to cast his line elsewhere because there is just something about him I'm not into and I hate doing that even though we are all adults.

But maybe this time I'll at least get to the awkward first time we have sex stage. I'll keep you posted. 

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Early Musings in 2015

Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
If you ever ask me to leave my apartment around 4:30 PM on a Saturday, I will tell you to go fuck yourself. To be fair, I will never ask you to come over at that time. Evidently, that is when ALL the people are on the main road outside of my apartment complex. I legit thought there must be an accident or something, especially considering the number of people outside the Stop Shop place around the corner but nope, just a lot of peeps out and about. Doesn't help that I live just off a major highway.

Speaking of the Stop Shop (no idea the name but it is essentially a convenience store without the gas pumps [there is a gas station next door]). I have gone there twice and both times I have been offered 'green'. The first time was funny because a young woman approached me and I didn't hear what she said so I said "I'm sorry?" in that questioning voice that says "pardon me, I didn't hear you." She immediately apologized and it turned out she was asking if I would like to buy some sweet Mary Jane from her but obviously, in her mind, given my appearance and my manners, I would not be interested. The second time I went I was buying beer and someone in line offered. Now I always take note of how many people are hanging around out front because I know the deal. Today when I left at the ill timed hour of 4:45? There was a lady in a fucking camping chair in the parking lot. I'm not even making that up (another reason I figured there must be an accident).

I also know that there is at least one person who sleeps under the overpass at the first intersection when I get onto the main road.

My area is so low rent that when I went to a bar for dinner last night, I ordered water and was given straight up tap water. And tap water in Texas (at least in the areas I've lived) tastes like dirt and metal.

Leaving the grocery store I heard what sounded like a gunshot and didn't even flinch. It wasn't a gun shot, I'm sure, seeing as I heard no follow up screams, panic, or yells to run, but you'd think I'd have hustled to my car. I am far too laid back in my area given that I'm afraid to get my mail when the sun has gone down.

Stupid Grown Up Stuff
As you may remember, I turned 34 on December 8th. There is a lot of shit you just figure out once you are living in your own apartment and paying your own rent and car insurance and shit. You somehow just know how to set up your electricity and wireless when moving to a new place and you fall into a regular pattern of making sure you get oil changes when necessary. Hell, I know a lot about health benefits because of my previous gigs in my company. But here is something that I cannot figure out and it is really fucking stupid; the only bottoms I wear these days are jeans or skirts because I can't figure out trousers and have trouble with belts.

I don't even know if it is fair to say I wear a belt lately because mine consists of the thin material between the leather of a former belt. It was the Bat's and when he stripped the leather off his broken belt, I for some reason thought I should start using it. I do so because pants are tricky as fuck and the last few times I've attempted them, the fuckers were hipsters and kept falling down once I lost weight so I HAD to use a belt. Even now that I only wear jeans, they are old and don't fit so a belt is necessary and I tend to buy ones that turn out to be too big and all that leather makes for a nice, big bulge just above my hips.

How is it that I am in near my late thirties and don't know how to buy a proper belt? No one ever taught me what the length should be so I always go for a large and then end up needing to drill holees into it and have all this excess leather. I'm not so OMG skinny and humble bragging. In actuality, a medium would probably do the trick as I'm average sized but I get anxious when I try them because I don't know what I should be measuring as I am NEVER wearing jeans when I randomly decide to look at the cheap ass belts at Target.

I understand the how ludicrous and hilarious it is to say that I can't figure out pants in 2015 but it is aggravating and embarrassing. When people at work ask me why I wear so many skirts and dresses I used to tell them, truthfully, that I was upping my wardrobe game. But when I talked with my mother about the tops she sent me for my birthday and she told me that I would have to figure out trousers on my own because the size, fit, etc was too much, I told her, shamefacedly, that I knew that and that I only wear jeans and skirts these days because I can't figure that shit out.

I can change my own oil and I am one of those jerks who looks forward to tax time but  I can't work a pair of pants.

I Hate People
So I was at the store earlier (in case you didn't catch earlier references) and I almost threw up when I saw that Valentine's shit is already up. I've already spent my birthday and New Year's on my own only to be reminded that I am sad and lonely and unloved and will die alone with my suddenly needy cat. I texted my girlfriend, Spectero, about it and she said something like 'gross, right?' I texted her back essentially saying that now I can't reactivate my dating profile because mother fuckers will assume it's to avoid being alone on OMG LOVE DAY. But that bitch is married - to her second husband no less - so can't really sympathize. Actually, come to think of it, I think I'm the only single girl I know in Texas.

Last year was a total let down and I had a boyfriend at the time so maybe it won't be so bad, crying into my wine glass and confusing the shit out of Bubbles. it's not like I'm in school any more so don't have to see people carrying around heart lolipops and shit that they were given. Valentine's Day has never been that big a deal to me but I've racked up enough exes to now be a bitter old spinster who just KNOWS that every ex is going to be doting upon their newest girlfriend in ways they never doted upon me because the assholes suddenly learned to appreciate women and be kind to them in ways they never were to me.

In actuality, those girls will be treated just as badly as I was or else be equal assholes and perfect for their new mates and no one will win but at least they won't be pariahs like my old, single ass. But have you dated? Dude, I never dated in my life save for three dates with J and then the only stuff when I moved to Texas. I haven't reactivated my profile because 'need to be alone with myself and make sure I'm emotionally available' and blah blah fuckity blah but also because I'm super lazy and don't feel like going through the headache of weeding out people on OK Cupid, finding the ones who have read my profile and who aren't over the age of 40 or with kids or some shit (because I'm clear in my profile regarding the age range the no kids thing) and finding someone decent. Then I do find someone decent but end up with no romantic attraction towards them and so feel like I ran a marathon in record time but forgot to set my god damn stop watch and I'm too tired to go through all the training again.

But I need to just buck up and either put myself out there or go all radio silence in the month of February and ignore VDay just like I ignore Christmas. That's one of the benefits of living where I do though, I seriously doubt I'll see extreme shows of affection or love here because we are all too poor and sad for that shit.

Happy 2015! I know, I sound all sad and bitter don't I? Live in a bad area, can't figure out pants, and am alone. But whatev, I live on my own so no one can see me pop zits in the bathroom or sit around drinking wine and watching netflix pantless in my living room, and no one can wrestle control of what it is that I watch on Netflix. And I have a car and a job and a washer/dryer so I'm actually pretty happy. I just need to shop at Indian stores or some shit where I don't have to see the heart shaped boxes of candy.

Or there is always Tinder, right?