Tuesday, December 22, 2015

All You Need is Love.. and Ammunition


Did you know that Eva Braun tried to commit suicide twice? This was well before she chowed down on some cyanide alongside her hero, Adolph. The first time, she shot herself in the chest with her father’s pistol and historians believe she did so in a bid for attention from the fuhrer of her fancy. Think about that for a moment. This chick, who was twenty at the time, had a lady boner for a guy and in order to impress him, she fucking shot herself. In the chest. I clearly need to step up my game if I want to keep the Bat interested in me because everything in comparison to Braun seems like phoning it in. I mean, what do you do when you want your man’s attention or feel neglected? Talking to the Bat is small beer compared to Braun, as is, you know, subtly rubbing his manly downunder. Then again, as much as I like the Bat and think he is the bee’s knees, I’m not going to deliberately give myself a papercut let alone a gunshot wound in order to turn his head.

Of course, I would never refer to him as being an atrocious monster* of the lowest form either, showcasing yet another difference between me and das hausfrau.

The above is brought to you by a slow work day. Have I mentioned before that if IT ever digs into my browser history I’ll look like a maniac? When things are slow and I don’t have anything to do, I end up googling the most random shit and learning about all sorts of things. The other day I googled “what is the difference between one humped camels and two humped camels?” I’ll also just do a query about random trivia (I now know that penguins have knees and elephants are the only mammals that cannot jump) or celebrity gossip or something character building like that. Usually, however, it’s a search for the keywords “mysterious disappearances” which leads to me jumping down a rabbit hole about a singular disappearance, which, in turn, often has me googling for information about suspects involved in either the disappearance or possibly linked murder. So, basically, my search history is about animals, celebrities, and kidnappings/disappearances/murders/murders. And “Eva Braun suicide” thanks to today’s reading of book review.
-------------v----------v-------------
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I wanted to see if I’d talked about my google history in a separate post recently so I went back and skimmed the last few entries. Remember how it seemed like I never saw my boyfriend anymore because the kiddo didn’t have her license yet? That feels like it was ages ago when really, it was like that until mid-late October. Now we see each other so often that we occasionally upset the other with careless statements. This weekend, the Bat made a reference that was essentially comparing me with his exes as though we were all on a level playing field with one another. Needless to say, I was insulted. Also this weekend, I was teasing the Bat about how he is the poster child for boys being made of snakes and snails and puppy dog tails because he is so gross. I obviously went too far because the next evening, he sort of apologized for being so gross and so I guess thought I’d meant it.

What I'm getting at is that we spend enough time together that we become jerks to each other. In fact, I was surprised when he invited me to go out for a drink this past Sunday because I couldn’t believe he’d want to spend more time with me. Not that I’m not rad as hell and everything, just that maybe he felt a bit of Simply overload. Nice to know I was wrong. Also nice to know that we still get along really well and our relationship hasn’t disintegrated into some hellish nightmare or anything.

Go team!

*Eva wouldn’t have used those words about her boyfriend/40 hour husband; there is a lot of evidence that she was completely unaware of all of the horrors Hitler created because she was kept in the dark and lived a very isolated life. That being said, she still had terrible, terrible taste.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Still Here. Still Boring.

I have nothing to write about, that is why I haven't updated this blog in awhile.

The Monkey was in a car accident in which her truck flipped but she is OK, just a bit battered and annoyed that the process of replacing her truck is taking so long (she wasn't at fault). She bounced back pretty quickly, save for her aches and pains, and went from being shook up to enjoying the attention and just being really annoyed at the inconvenience. Say what you will about teenagers but they can be really resilient. It happened on the 8th and I've never been more scared in my life. I actually left work but decided to go home rather than the hospital because I figured the last thing Monkey needed was for me to be there crying and losing my shit. She apologized for messing up my birthday, which was nice of her but really, I had zero fucks to give about my damned birthday at that point.

The Bat's parents are finally selling their old home so he and I may get paid a bit for all the work we've done on the farm but we may not and that's fine. At very least we should get to do more renovation work since there will be money to redo the kitchen and bathrooms. We haven't really done a lot of work lately although the Bat has helped with some of the outdoor stuff and we were able to move in furniture this past weekend (the floors were redone and baseboards installed). The Bat hurt his back last weekend and moving the furniture didn't help so he and his daughter are both achey moving around like old people every so often. Makes me feel like a hot young thing.

Work is work. I still enjoy it and I find moments where I can see my growth and improvement. But work is boring to write about and nobody wants to read about it.

I turned 35 and, aside from the Monkey adding 17 years to my life and scaring the hell out of me, I had a great day. My friend Tig brought me treats at work and the Bat and I had dinner with friends of ours. My mother gave me some lovely gifts and the Bat gave me a "luxurious bath pillow" and a bathtub tray complete with glass and candle holder so I feel like a god damn queen when I take baths now. I have yet to actually light a tapered candle but I've drank wine and read books like a champ. It was an extremely thoughtful gift because the Bat knows I love taking baths and just soaking like a lazy bones.

I'm actually doing Christmas this year. I'm not thrilled about it but whatever. We are going to go to the farm and so I figured I may as well be a team player. I bought presents for the Bat, Monkey, and the Bat's mother (he's buying for his dad) and we'll most likely go down in the early afternoon of Christmas day since Monkey works Thursday evening (it's her first day back to work since her accident).

See, boring? I've decided that I'm going to try and eat healthier. I, like so many other people, try this from time to time and then say fuck it and go back to pizza and cookies. I'm not doing any special diet or anything, but I'm going to try this kale smoothie recipe I found that doesn't require banana in order to up my fruits and vegetables game a bit. And I'm just going to try to make better choices. I finally started doing yoga again so it seems as good a time as any to throw some kale smoothies into the mix, you know?

So there you have it. I haven't written a post in over a month and after all that waiting, all you get is shit. You're welcome.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Conversation of Awesomeness - Probably Only I Find it Funny Edition

That Escalated Quickly
ME: Pick a day next week. I can go to downtown Garland if it helps.

SPECTARO: I was thinking about you earlier today. I have been so neglectful, but I have also been SO tired. Downtown does help, at least occasionally. I miss you. Good news is this is my last semester for my masters. Bad news is, I suck at not working my ass off for kids who deserve someone who does. You are a much better wife than I. I must try harder to be a better wife to my husband.

ME: You haven't been any more negligent than I. Work has just been kicking my butt and I've been working evenings and weekends. But I didn't want to go too many weeks again. And I basically live in Garland so no big deal to go downtown. Those kids are lucky to have you. If you've been giving less than 100% it is still 200% more than they are used to. Beating yourself up helps no one. If you become complacent I'll beat you up (smiley face). Never too late to be sweet to your husband.

SPECTARO: I think I love you most because you would kick my ass. Also, sweet was always about sex... he needs less and I don't know how to adapt to that.

I sometimes wonder how many people have given them 100%. I listened to a child (as I had students build DNA from fancy k'nex kit I bought) say repeatedly "I don't know how to play with toys" and then I considered that reality.

ME: You love me because you can tell me to get over myself and I won't get upset and I'll keep you straight too. Maybe HUSBAND doesn't know how to play with toys either. Think in terms of peoples' experiences. Listen to HUSBAND and what he needsd and try more of that. Or take a lover, I don't know.

SPECTARO: HUSBAND appears to need more sleep. I can't fix that. Also, I am WAY too tired to take a lover :)

ME: Oh, in that case, make HUSBAND drink more or drug him. Seriously, I'm going to start charging you for this shit.\

SPECTARO: lol, you probably should. He won't drink more. Need more information about drugging him... roofies? Viagra? Not sure what product or where to obtain such... although the gas station near you would be my first stop.

ME: Making people drink more or drug them is my go to like Dear Abby suggests counceling or "speak to a priest". Get a prescription for ambien or I can get some flexeril from Bat. And now we have officially have digital correspondence that sounds like the start of a murder plot. See you on Dateline bitch.

SPECTARO: We are so beyond ambien. We are at tramazodone and its cousins. And dateline it is!

ME: Bat has pain killers as well. And all kinds of rope. His ball gags have holes so you're on your own there. Wait, we were talking about what again? School fundraisers, right?

SPECTARO: Absolutely. And gardening.

ME: I was knitting earlier so that fits. The chair is against the wall. The. Chair. Is Against. The Wall.

SPECTARO: The rooster has flown the coop. Flown. The. Coop.

ME: Fuck! You never said anything about guns!! WHO HAVE YOU BROUGHT INTO THIS?!?!?!?!?
SPECTARO: Why do I feel unsure about whether to google rooster, flown, or coop first?

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Tall People and Oranges

Glass of Water
There are a lot of tall women on my floor. Not only are they tall but they wear high heals, which is awesome; I love when tall women wear heals. It's just strange because it seems like a common thing on this floor whilst on the other floors I've worked in this building, you'd have maybe one lady gazing down upon all the others.

To be fair, most of the women tend to wear heals on this floor. OK, that's bullshit because I don't actually know if it's true. But I can say that a lot of the women in my department wear them on a regular basis. Generally, they arrive in flipflops, flats, or sneakers, and then put on their heals. Sometimes they make it to the end of the day and sometimes they switch back around lunchtime.

I don't know why but this made me think why are we still doing this? Remember 'Working Girl'? Is that the one with Melanie Griffith? You see her in her socks and sneakers walking to the ferry or the subway or whatever along with all the other busy business women and then she switches into heals when she gets to the office. It's so weird that we still do that same damn thing to this day. I only really thought about it because I'm wearing a pair of royal purple faux-suede booties that aren't that comfortable after awhile and so have my black flats in my bag. To my credit, I rarely change shoes at work.

Cause I'm a badass.

No, not really. It's really only because I wear the same heals all the time and so they aren't uncomfortable or, if you look closely, all that attractive given the wear and tear. And I'm not knocking women who do this regularly. If I'm knocking anyone it is shoemakers (cobblers!) for not figuring out how to make attractive shoes comfortable yet. It's 2015 for pity's sake; there are people with legit plans for when "the shit comes down" but no one has figured out how to give a girl the beauty of a high heal with the comfort of an orthopaedic? That's just sad.

Grownupping
I'm trying to work more fruit into my diet so as to avoid old timey illnesses like rickets and scurvy. I began slowly, bringing an apple to work with me each day beginning last Wednesday. So far, I've eaten an apple each day I've been in the office (W, TH, and F of last week and T, W, and TH of this week so far). I know, I know, the plaque in my honor is in the works I'm sure. This is all very boring I know, but something stupid/funny happened today and it all has to do with my "eat more of the fruits" decision.

Thought I'd up my game by adding an orange into the mix. I brought the orange on Tuesday and finally got around to trying it out today. Apparently, I suck at oranges. Using my pocket knife, I scored the bastard all over, planning on pealing it and eating the segments. The end result was ridiculous and pretty gross looking. What's that layer between the peal and the fruit called? You know, that annoying white layer that separates you from the delicious flesh of your citrus? Well, whatever it is called, it was solidly clinging to my orange so that the fucker looked like a baseball. By the time I got done trying to get that sucker off, I ended up with an orange that looked like it had been disemboweled.

Not a huge deal because whatever, it's an orange and oranges are delicious even if you have to eat one that looks like some sort of aborted explosion attempt. Only you probably shouldn't attempt to eat that version in the workplace - or anywhere public really - because the end result is pretty awful. I had juice running down my face, splashing onto my skirt, running down my hands and arms down to my elbow, and all over my desk. The sounds I made trying to tear orange segments from the peal were unfortunate and all in all, I felt bad for my colleagues.

Janine Garafalo (sp?) once said, whilst trying to explain her lazy, mediocre approach to life, that she's a "can you start my orange" sort of person. From now on, unless I settle and cut the damned thing up into wedges like a soccer mom, I'm going to find actual mothers in my department and ask them to start my fucking orange for me because this shit was just ridiculous.  

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Lonely Hearts Party of Two

I am in a relationship whilst simultaneously being in the lonely hearts club. Weird, right? It isn't like my significant other deployed overseas for a tour of duty or anything. No, my SO lives like eight miles away from me. But unless it is the weekend and we are at the farm with his parents, the Bat and I rarely see one another.

Camping was supposed to provide us with some one on one time so we could reconnect and be boyfriend and girlfriend for awhile. Unfortunately, the Bat's security guard and her friends never showed up so it was just Honey and us. We had a good time but the Bat and I couldn't just leave Honey on her own while we went off as a couple. It would have been rude.

With Monkey working and relying on her dad for transportation, coupled with the fact that it is like pulling teeth to get the Bat to come to my place, it feels like I'm in a long distance relationship. I don't go to his place because there are too many people there and the morning commute is a nightmare since I have to go home and feed my cat. That and it actually fucks with me that I always go there because this is something the Bat and I discussed months ago (like six months or more at this point) and he promised he'd come over more. Even before Monkey started working there was usually a reason why he couldn't come over unless it was a Wednesday, the one single day of the week when he'd concede and come to my apartment. If it wasn't a Wednesday there was definitely a reason. Seriously, I think he maybe came one extra day in the last six to eight months.

Not that I'm bitter about that or anything. Obvs.

He was supposed to come over last night. We were going to watch a movie. Unfortunately, he didn't confirm things with the kiddo so thought the work schedule on the fridge was current when it was really last week's. So at the very end of my work day he told me that it was off because he had to take Monkey to work. I'll admit that I did get upset but I kept telling myself to knock that off because it doesn't do any good. I'm also used to this so should be neither surprised nor unduly upset. It's difficult though, because, as I've said before, I can't control these stupid lady feelings. I recently emailed the Bat to explain what I've been trying to tell him for weeks now. I need to feel like I'm a girlfriend. I need to feel appreciated. I need to feel loved and cared for. I actually asked him "what would you do if you wanted a girl to know that you loved her? What would you do to show a girl that you cared?"

He's made some efforts since then, for which I'm grateful, but it still stung that through his carelessness our plans were null and void. Monkey is off later this week but Spectero and I made plans last week so I'm unavailable.

Looks like for the time being I have a weekend boyfriend. Monkey goes for her license test on Monday so I guess maybe I'll get one extra day.

Sometimes I wonder if any of this is worth it.



*I got that picture from this website. 

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Camping - Autumn 2015

Well, we finally went camping and it was extremely relaxing. It was a bit cold, as was the water, so swimming wasn't as great as the last time, but the laying around doing nothing part was fantastic. I do wish we'd taken time to actually hike some of the trails but we got there close to dark on Friday and on Saturday, the Bat and our friend, Honey, both took naps so that was out. 

Still, I enjoyed myself. We really don't do much when we camp. We swim, cook, and just hang out. Saturday evening was my favorite because as we were sitting around the (small - much burn ban so sad face) fire, I used the Bat's phone to play podcasts of spooky stories. They weren't incredibly scary but they also weren't incredibly cheesy. They were pretty much perfect. I was actually surprised because both Honey and the Bat enjoyed it as well. 

We utilized all of the items I'd purchased recently. The dishes really helped us cut down on trash and this was the neatest campsite I've ever been part of. Granted, we didn't have teenagers with us and I'm sure that contributed a bit but we had way less trash than my previous experiences. The ladle came in handy for dinner, as I knew it would, and the lantern was a lantern. It was slightly disappointing, the lantern. It provided great light but needs some sort of shield so you don't blind yourself whenever you turn it on or off. Also, the USB charger never really worked unless I turned the crank on the damn thing (it's solar powered but if you turn the crank enough you can power it that was as well). I don't regret buying it but was a bit bummed. 

Now we are back and reality is settling in around me. I took Monday off for a doctor's appointment and pedicure so yesterday was for slowly easing back into things. We'll go down to the farm on Friday, of course. It feels a bit weird not having seen the Bat's parents this past weekend just because we've seen them every week for a couple of months now. I wonder how much his mother has gotten done on the house. 

We shall see. In the mean time, back to work and getting my apartment sorted. 

Monday, September 21, 2015

Chickens!!

This weekend was interesting if nothing else. The Bat and I were supposed to go to dinner on Friday evening to celebrate our anniversary. I wore a nice dress that I really like but that I never have reason to wear, and we picked up some booze to bring to the BYOB cafe in town down in the country. Unfortunately, Antique Ally happened this weekend and it was packed. I was pretty upset and disappointed because the Bat and I already don't get any time together that isn't with other people and/or doesn't involve working, and I couldn't even have this one night. The Bat didn't really care that much because he's not romantic in that particular way but, as he told me, he was sad because I was sad and he doesn't like that. We managed to have a good time nonetheless, talking and drinking with his parents and then going out to do donuts in the truck.

I always think I'm over donuts and then we do them again and I'm giddy all over again.

The Bat's back was still painful so we didn't put up the drywall like we'd planned, but I did clean out the solarium, which took more effort than I originally thought considering that it led me to organize a closet. No one helped me or watched me do it and so everyone kept talking about how it was a nice relaxing weekend even though I worked! And his mom ripped stuff up off the floor (I can't remember what it was called) so she and I totally worked.

But that is neither here nor there. Since it was going on and I am desperately trying to decorate my apartment, Bat and I went to check out Antique Ally. Let's just say it didn't blow my skirt up. It was pretty much just a massive flea market in town and along the sides of the road. We didn't see much in the way of antiques and the furniture that I saw and liked was overpriced. So yeah, it was meh.

Except... on the way to town, we saw, off to the left side of the road, a person selling chickens. Obviously we stopped on the way back to the house and so now the chicken tractor that was built two weeks ago is full.

Bwaaaaak

We don't know what kind they are but they are neat. All hens but some blonds and brunettes and colorful ones and some have green legs, blue legs, and bright yellow legs. I haven't really given a lot of thought to chicken legs in my lifetime, but I never would have thought they would be blue or green. 

Some of you might know this and some of you might not; chickens can be assholes. We bought a total of ten and nine of them picked on one so the Bat's mom separated her out. Originally, Lonesome Lois was kept in a small cage until we could throw together a second, smaller coop. But when Bat's mom went to give her food, Lois noped the fuck out. Here she is, strutting around and showing off her freedom.
That is Mia, a gaited horse, in the background.

I like to think that, as Lois strutted in front of the tractor, the following conversation took place.

"Damn it, Mary! I told you we should have been nice to Lois! She could have taught us ALL how to escape!" 

"Shut up, Linda."

Lois is still on the property, or rather, was as of Sunday. She roosts in a tree and I guess that is where she's going to chill for awhile. Once the others understand that their coop is home, they will be free range during the day. 

No, I get it. I'm just as surprised by what I talk about these days as the next girl. Chickens, really? Talking about chickens is something I never thought I'd really do, any more than I'd talk about how proud I am of Monkey, someone's 16 year old daughter, for getting her first real job. And I am proud of her, and super excited because that boy finally asked her to Home Coming already. Jeez, took him long enough (but he did make a cute sign with lollipops to use to ask her and he sounds like a good kid).

But I digress from more important matters. I don't recall if I've shown pictures of the pigs on here or not but every time I look at Lullabelle, the bigger one, I think "she looks like something from The Labyrinth. Do you remember that movie?  How silly of me, of course you do because you have to be somewhere around my age and how could you not remember that movie? Anyhow, tell me if I'm wrong or wouldn't she have been a great edition to that film? 
I'm a giant pig

I have a shot of her from the front but her eyes look really gross in it and I just couldn't bring myself to post it. 

That's all I have and I don't know how to close this post out so I'll do it with elegance and class, which is best depicted by two grasshoppers humping on a paint can. 
Yes, I took a picture of grasshoppers doing it.




Thursday, September 17, 2015

A Conversation I Just Had

I really need to remember that people are not in my head and/or do not necessarily know what my mood and/or intentions are. I had the following exchanged, via Facebook Messenger, with the Bat just now.

ME: "When did I stay over, Sunday or Monday?"
BAT: "Monday."
ME: "That's right."
BAT: "That's when my back went to shit."
ME: "Ah, yes, I remember."
BAT: "That's an odd question."
ME: "I figured it out almost right after I messaged you."
BAT: GIF of a guy saying "I'm confused."
ME: "I just feel like I haven't seen you in a long time and wondered when I last had had."
BAT: Thumbs up picture.

ME: "Do you love me?"
BAT: "Yes.
BAT: "Why the random questions today?"
ME: "I'm in a silly mood and my work is allllll data entry."
BAT: "Ah."
ME: "I shall stop with the questions though. They do read like I'm building up to something now that I think about it."
BAT: "Yeah."

Everything I said was true. I was just curious as to when I'd last seen him because it does feel like a strangely long time. And I am just in a silly mood with a lot of data entry in front of me. I mean, yeah, I like to be reminded that he loves me, but that was all. I really should be more careful so as not to scare a guy.

I wonder what he thought I was leading up to. 

An Open Letter to My Cat

Dear Bubbles,

You've been with me for two years and I still have no fucking clue what is going on with you. Sure, you're cute and adorable and fun to pet, but what the fuck is going on inside that little cat noggin of yours?

I know you aren't the scary badass I feared. You don't know this but I was afraid to bring you down to the country for fear you'd fuck up Monkey's kitten or the Bat's parents' cat. You look mean and I don't feel like I know you well so I was scared of you. Well, just look at you when you strike one of your dignified, Vladimir Putin poses.

Pretty regal and serious looking, right? But after seeing you punch Monkey's kitten, who then just jumped right back up to play more, and seeing what you looked like after the Bat's parents' cat handed you your ass, I realized I was being unfair. You are a big ball of sweetheart who just doesn't want other animals bothering her. Sorry about that, babes. I shouldn't have judged you so harshly.

But what the fuck is with this neediness and diva behavior? I can't shut the door if I go to the bathroom without anyone else in the apartment without you putting your paw under the door and meowing. You lay outside the bathroom and stare at me if I take a bath. If I sit at my computer, you frequently come up to paw at me to pet you. Bitch, you even take my chair if I get up now and today? Today you jumped on my desk and onto my damned laptop.

I give you attention! I pet you and talk to you and will purposely lay on my love seat when I read so I can pet you some more. I pat my bed for you to come up when I go to sleep. I fucking ordered 25 cans of Fish and Shrimp Fancy Feast from Amazon because you like it. Or you did. What's this shit with you not eating it all of a sudden? It is the only thing you would eat once I switched your fat ass to can food and now you turn your nose up to it? Well, looks like you are in for a lean couple of weeks because I'm not going to the store to get you cans of the same goddamn thing just because it doesn't smell like it came in the mail or whatever.

You wouldn't even eat tuna fish!

I don't speak cat, OK? I don't know what is going on. A friend at work says that you just love me and want my attention and that you may still be stressed out from your fight/attack. I'll get you one of those pheromone things on Friday when I get paid again and I'll keep petting you. But you need to meet me half way here. Either eat your fucking food as a compromise, or learn to speak human or manipulate a writing utensil and tell me exactly what you want. The more anxious I get about you the more I begin to wonder if I should give you up because I clearly cannot care for you very well. I hate your bald spots from that fucking asshole cat. I'm not taking you to the farm ever again. I'm not going to Rowlett very often any more just so I can stay home and be with you. I'm doing my best and you just refuse to work with me.

I'm going to have to take you to the vet, you know, to find out what the hell is going on and to make sure you are OK. This neediness and all up in my business ALL the time shit needs to stop. I love you, but you are driving me up the fucking wall.

You don't even care, do you?

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Camping Season Has Begun

The Bat and I are going camping later this month and we've begun discussing it with great enthusiasm. It's just us because Monkey has to reserve one weekend day to go to the farm and train her horse but some people the Bat knows may join us. The reservations for the campsites have been made and so we are planning with gusto. The tent we usually use was ripped two weekends ago and needed to be replaced anyway so we've been sending links back and forth with options (the Bat's got crazier and crazier until he sent a link for a twelve foot military operation style one) and discussing other needs. He ordered a total of six camping chairs, two of which swing (and are exactly like the ones we had when we were in Flagstaff) and I've ordered metal place settings to serve four, a really neat LED lantern that can also charge mobile devices, and a camping ladle.

We aren't being as frivolous as I'm making it sound. As I said, we needed a new tent due to aging and it being ripped. The old camping chairs are broke down and needed to be replaced but, what's more, they are all down on the farm and we want to keep them there for the time being. The metal place settings weren't really necessary, but they will keep us from having to buy paper plates and plastic picnic wear and we'll be greener this way (people can't argue when you throw mother nature and earth friendliness into it). Plus, this way we never have to worry about dumb shit like having one plastic fork remaining and the spoon box breaking. And it will cut down on volume with regards to 'stuff we bring when we go camping.'

The latern is a bit iffy. I've wanted one for a long time but never purchased one because I couldn't come up with a real need. Between camp fires and flashlights, there is just really little reason for a lantern. But this one will be handy, not just for camping but on the farm, for bathroom trips and extra lighting as well as having a USB port so we can charge Kindles and blue tooth speakers. It also features a removable handle so we can hang it up on the metal hooks at the top of the pole on our site. Besides, we've lost a bunch of the flashlights we previously had. I should also note - and this isn't really a justification as much as it is an annoyance and observation - that we have lost a lot of flashlights since we began work on the farm.

The ladle was thrown in so I could get free shipping but I'm glad I found it. There is always at least one occasion during which I find myself annoyed because I either have to dip a cup into a pot or pour from a pot into a bowl or onto a plate and I always think "why don't we have a ladle?" Sadly, this is scheduled to be delivered while we are actually camping so it's inaugural trip will have to wait. I'll see what I can do in order to convince the Bat not to make stew just this once. UPDATE: Actually, I will have the ladle because we are going camping three weekends from now, not two. The Bat told me that last night and then, a few hours later, he apologized about it because he knew I was really bummed and let down. I'd had a dream the night before about being all packed and ready to go just to be reminded that we weren't going for awhile. Welp, here I was, excitedly buying things from the Walmart website, purchasing a ladle so that I wouldn't have to pay shipping and being too lazy to go to the gd store itself, but it won't be needed until October.

Dry your eyes, I'll be fine.

Items that were not purchased due to my restraint include, but are not limited to, a camping coffee urn/maker and a compass. I think I just want a compass so that I can have it on me at all times and figure out where I am in case I get lost (which I do quite prettily). The coffee urn/maker is, obviously, because I drink coffee at times and it would be nice to be able to make a pot of it without it going cold right away and without using shitty instant stuff. But if I want it that badly, I can just carefully pack my French press (which is basically what a camping one is). Besides, I don't always drink coffee and I can get it for free at the little shop on the park grounds. So that would really have just been my throwing money away.

We are really looking forward to this, as you can obviously glean from this post. Part of it is just that we haven't really had much quality alone time in awhile. Our nights in the hotels during the Arizona trip were manic and ridiculous and it is a rare week that finds the Bat at my place on our regular Wednesday date nights. Also, let's face it, he and I are old and broke down these days. Our weekends aren't generally relaxing and they are filled with people. Between that and our regular work weeks we've fairly depleted of energy and so haven't devoted much time to 'us'. It's a weird concept to think about but even though we are stronger than ever in our relationship, I think we both miss a certain amount of intimacy that we used to enjoy on lazy mimosa Saturdays and Sundays. Don't get me wrong, I really love going down to the farm and that takes precendence right now, but we just need some time together away from everything.

Camping is perfect for that.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

A Very Tuesday Type of Post

Memory Prompt
This is a picture of a horse.
Action horse! 

I know, you are thoroughly impressed with me, aren't you? I can do colors too! I posted that picture because I am terrified of horses. I think it is a legitimate fear considering how large they are and the fact that they can kill you. I posted a picture of a legitimate fear with hopes it will prompt me to remember whatever it was I thought of yesterday that is a ridiculous fear. You know how I get really anxious when I order from Jimmy John's online? It was something along those lines, a weird anxiety issue for no reason. So hopefully Action Jackson the horse up there will help me remember as I continue to type this.

Lying Thief
Something really dumb happened yesterday. Long story short, I didn't have anything for lunch because I just brought two sticks of string cheese with me to work. But I did have a $5 bill on me, which is second best to a $1 bill in terms of easily accessible food. I put the fiver in my pocket and walked to the vending machine to confirm that it did, indeed, take that nomination. It does. It says right there under the bill slipper inner that it accepts $1, $2, and $5 bills. So in went my fiver and out came ... righteous indignation. The machine kept telling me to use exact change and then said there was a credit of 5.00. Like there is anything in that stupid box priced at $5! I tried various options and then just had to walk away.

The goddamn machine lied to me about what it would take and then ripped me off.  I had to go down to reception and fill out a form in order to get my money back and then walk to the little deli place we have to get some cheetos. It was the most stupid thing to have happened to me at work in a long time. In retrospect, however, I'm lucky; the Bat was changing a door knob yesterday and his back went out on him. He isn't 100% crooked but he definitely has a tilt and when he sits down, he does it like an infant (so I'm told... I was demonstrating for some of the girls at work [sorry Bat! I wasn't making fun of you, just demonstrating the extent of your pain] and they both went "awwww, that's like what babies do!") and he winces a lot. I felt terrible for him so I drove to the sushi bar after work to meet up with him and then went to his house. He actually left his car for Monkey (she started her first day of work!) because he didn't think he could drive and didn't want to get in and out of cars any more than he had to. Poor guy. 

Chores n' More! 
I'm at work on a lunch break right now. I've got some chores to do after work and they are all in my home thank god because we all know how I feel about doing stuff outside of my home after work. 

I'm actually looking forward to them and wish I could go home and get started. This happens to me every so often and it tickles me. I have to do dumb shit like laundry and update my calendar and stuff like that, nothing special. But I'm looking forward to going home, throwing some cookies in the oven (more on that in a minute) and doing dishes and settling in to my domestic chores. I'm also looking forward to sitting and reading with Bubbles, who has been horribly neglected lately. I felt really, really bad when I saw her sitting by her scratching post as I left to go to the bar. Here I'd left her all weekend long and I was leaving her yet again. Poor thing has bald spots from wear she got into a fight with stupid Haroun, the Bat's parents' cat.

I will not be going to the Bat Cave for at least a month because I do not want to leave poor Bubbles all on her own. I know, I'm insane. 

So the cookies! A couple of months ago I gave my friend $18 for her son's fundraiser and yesterday I finally got my 2.5 pounds of cookie dough. That is a ridiculous amount of cookie. I can't remember what the options all were but I ordered something called chocolate peanut butter cup because I figured, if I'm ordering my cookie dough by the pound, I'm sure as shit going to make sure it is something the Bat likes as well so that my fat ass doesn't go all Walking Dead on damned cookies. It's going to be awesome with the smell of baking as I wash my dishes and sweep my floor and vacuum, all whilst listening to the Russ Martin Show or else NPR. RMS is now advertising Blue Apron, oddly enough. I miss cooking and can't wait until I can start up my service again but I need to make sure I'm financially sound before I do so. Seeing as I have about $60 in my checking accounts right now, I don't think it is time, do you? 

The End
Sigh. I'm getting deadly dull and, well, old aren't I? I'm looking forward to cleaning my apartment (why do I have to do this so often?) and baking cookies. I'm also stoked because all of the stuff I ordered for camping will be here by next week (I'll tell you about camping in a different post). But what can I tell you? I like this stuff.

Not so much the not remembering though. I still can't remember what stupid thing it was I was thinking of yesterday. 

Monday, September 14, 2015

Church

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, yours truly attended church this Sunday. "But Simply, you're an atheist!" you cry, aghast at this confession and a bit frightened by the idea that I may have gone round the bend. But fear ye not my faithful readers (all three of you)! It is not what you think and it is not the same as Teacher, who wasn't really into church but wanted to marry his wife and so had to do some church stuff and then BAM!!! was born again. Naw, this was completely different.

The Bat seems to run something of a halfway house these days. He's got House Keeper (HK), who is trying to get back on her feet after her husband died and a tornado destroyed the hotel she was staying in. She's been here since late May I think. And now he has LSMG (stands for Little Shit Made Good because that is sort of how the Bat - and LSMG himself - describe the guy) staying with him for a couple of weeks because he has been on the outs with his old lady. LSMG is working towards getting home but there are legal things that have to happen before he can so he's presently camped out at the Bat Cave. LSMG comes down to the farm with us to help and I've gotten to know him better because of it. Previously I just knew him in passing for the most part because I'd only really see him when we'd stop to get firewood or we'd go shoot on his property and he and the Bat would shoot the shit while Trucker and I shot the ammunition.

Well, LSMG has a lot going on in his personal life and is in a bad spot at the moment. He is also religious and he stated that he needed to get his act together, that he wanted to get right with his lord, and that he wanted to be saved. So I offered to go to church with him last Sunday and he was happy about that. Unfortunately, he had to start a job Sunday morning so he ended up leaving early. So we went yesterday instead. I like church when you get the right one and we lucked out. Everyone was very welcoming from the get go so you didn't know who was the pastor (the husband and wife were as it turns out) and who made up the congregation. The town is extremely small so of course everyone really knows everyone else. But they were happy to have us and introduced themselves to us and were just very pleasant people. The service featured a lot of singing and hand clapping, which I found delightful, and the dude pastor talked about some stuff that was uplifting and positive (I just filtered out the God parts because church is fantastic if you remove the God stuff). Community, kindness, neighborliness and all of that. I enjoy it and it leaves you feeling good and ready to face your week.

Then we tithed (LSMG gave me a dollar so I could do it) and then there was more singing and then there was the praying. Oh lord was there praying! Chick pastor tells the congregation to step forward if you are in need of prayer and so LSMG did and he was with the dude pastor and other members of the congregation for a good ten or fifteen minutes while the rest of us kept singing holy is the lamb that was slain and my god is great. After LSMG, a couple of other people needed prayer but, thankfully, they weren't nearly as longwinded (in LS's defense, these other people are regulars so probably get their shit sorted weekly). Then dude pastor told a joke and talked a bit more about god and then, as he was about to sit with his wife and go over the book of Philimon, he announced that he knew we were pressed for time but that LSMG wanted to be baptized. Chick pastor was the one to decide to skip the scripture reading (though she encouraged us to do it on our own) and get right to the baptizing because that right there was really where god was.

Yup. After about twenty more minutes I watched three grownups walk into the lake to get baptized. It was weird. I mean, it was kind of what you expect and what you see on television only there were no robes being worn. It was really nice for LSMG and he felt fantastic afterwards but I find the practice a bit suspect. My brother was rebaptized and was born again but he only did that once about ten years ago (well, so I think. I have no idea but I've never heard mention of him doing it again). I have a feeling these people do it somewhat regularly. This one guy called out to LSMG saying that the best part was that everything in your past was washed away and you got a clean slate. He was so excited about it that I kept thinking "what kind of cocaine fueled adulturous benders are you going on, kid?" That and one of the people getting baptized (daughter of the pastors), stated that she wanted to because she was going through a divorce and it was a really rough time for her right now. It was like baptismals are therapy for her or something.

To each their own and I'm obviously not religious but it seems like these people treat it as a get out of jail free card and it irritates me enough that people think that through religion you will be saved. From what? Original sin? Yeah, OK, well, you're going to die anyway and if someone stabs you, it's going to hurt as much as it would if you weren't saved. That and I hate when people attribute successes to god rather than man. You want to thank the lord for saving your precious loved one from dying? Yeah, fuck you doctors, nurses and medical staff. Next time these assholes come into the emergency room, go ahead and just keep on with your conversation because your efforts don't do shit. God's got this one.

Rant over.

So yeah, other than my concerns over baptismal abuse, it was a really nice experience and I think I'll go again. Oh, wait, there was one other thing that made me uncomfortable. While LSMG was being prayed with, the guy next to me came over and grabbed my hand as we all sang and I did that fucking thing where you put your arm up in the air. Why did I do this? Because for some reason I thought I was supposed to! I haven't been to church in a long time and I've never really 'attended' church so much as tagged along, so I was following the cues of other people, clapping when I was supposed to and standing when I was supposed to and then all these people had their arms up and it took me a minute to remember that I didn't have to. That and it felt really uncomfortable and like I was saluting Hitler or something (just how it looked, I am not saying these people are racist or anything). The Bat's mom said that she's thought about going to church again to see what it is like and for the community and to meet people. Maybe she'll go and maybe she won't but if I continue to enjoy it, I see no reason not to.

That and I want to study the Bible because that seems like something you should do so you can be really well armed if you get into debates with people who are super religious (that and the Bat's mom told me there are some great stories in it). And now I feel like I sound as if I'm on the slippery slope towards redemption and seeing some light and being saved so I'll end this by saying that I really enjoy fornication outside of marriage and drinking and carrousing and all of that.

No, I'll end this properly, with a quote. "Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe there are fairies at the bottom of it too?" That is my favorite quote and I think it sums things up beautifully.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Oh What a Byoooo-teee-fulll Morning!!!


Well that was special. This morning I left my home five minutes earlier than usual.

Let me tell you, I will never do that again.

If only I'd waited those five minutes to get the traffic report. Since I didn't, because a good early bird employee, I ended up in quite the clusterfuck. Actually, let's be accurate here; I, very fortunately, was not involved in the clusterfuck, just the fallout from it. Apparently an 18-Wheeler carrying propane (with or without accessories I have yet to discern) overturned and caused accidents with five cars.

Propane=hazmat situation

Overturned large truck=multiple lane closures

Overturned large truck + propane + multi car accident= total closure of the highway.

I spent two hours to go two miles. Then I realized my car was super over heating and smoke was coming from my hood. So I put down all of my windows and turned the heat way up until I was able to pull over to the shoulder, where I turned the car off and then sat.

Then I sat some more, facebook messenger messaging back and forth with the Bat, who instructed me on what I needed to do, and texting a work friend to let her know what was going on.

An hour passed.

I decided to just walk the two miles back home. Along the way, I ran into a couple of other people who'd pulled over and one of them, since he lives off of the same road as I, offered to walk me back. I only had him walk me back halfway (the highway portion) because I was familiar with the rest. But it was still quite the walk and I was soaked in sweat with a sore back from having my computer bag with me and the balls of my poor feet are blistered to hell.

So now I am working from home and waiting for news that the highway has reopened. Keep in mind that I left my house at 6:15 a.m. and got back around 10:00 a.m. or so and it is presently 12:06 and the highway is still completely closed down for a good stretch. When Monkey gets home from school, she's supposed to come over and pick me up to take me to my car so hopefully by then it will be somewhat clear.

There is always hope and considering that I'm in a really cheerful mood, I'm leaning towards optimism.


Thursday, September 10, 2015

Farmville


I am presently in the process of trying to convince the Bat to move to a place with a better climate (read: isn't center of the sun hot for ten months of the year) and become farmers. It just makes sense. We love being in the country and we like doing things ourselves so why not? Plus, we could live slightly off the grid.

At first I suggested southern Oregon when the Bat asked me to name a place that didn't have too much snow. He argued that it is too expensive there and you can't even pump your own gas. I have no idea how he knows that but I don't doubt him because OR is pretty trendy these days. Then, after looking up a map of the U.S., I suggested Arkansas. He considered this one as a possibility because it has more water but more dry counties as well. Easy peasy on the latter because we would just run bimonthly trips to the big city for supplies.

Obviously, the Bat has a couple of years before he even thinks of moving because he has the kiddo. But I think that is perfect because we can plan and be ready for when the time comes. We can also learn more homesteading stuff and survival skills (I don't know what to do if a wolf comes at me and I don't know how to hunt or clean my own chickens or whatever). I can learn to make my own clothes and bake bread and can stuff. The Bat can brush up on raising cattle and pigs.

Ugh, he is telling me that learning to make my own clothes would be difficult and it will take a long time. I'm pretty sure I could do it because a) I used to work an itty bitty amount with costumes when I worked for the art studio and b) I'm not looking to make designer dresses or anything. Frankly, I just don't think he is totally on board with this, which is crazy because ... well just because damn it. Mr. Camping and grew up in the desert and have all these homesteading skills etc. doesn't want to go live the life of Riley on a farm?

I swear, if he starts wearing skinny jeans, I'm going to have to leave him.

UPDATE!!!!!

Last night the Bat and I were Facebook messenger messaging, like we pretty much do throughout the day and evening. And then he came out with it...
I will never wear skinny jeans. Promise.
Do I have a good one or do I have a good one?
 

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Wants

I want to bake bread ... just once. I don't have any desire to bake my own bread from scratch on a regular basis but I think it would be nice to try some time. 

I would like to knit myself a sweater but I think that may be a pipe dream because I can't seem to handle just knit one row purl the next and repeat. 

I'd like to go for a ride in the Bat's canoe. The lake is full for once so that seems doable and it might be fun.

I want to snuggle on the sofa on a rainy day and enjoy a good book or watch movies and just relax. 

I want to come up with an idea for a short story and actually write it. Actually, I would like to write in general but I know I don't have the stamina for it. 

I want to go camping. 

I want to sit with a beer and watch the sunset out in the country, all the way until the stars come out. 

I want to go on a picnic. 

I want to decorate my apartment but have no idea how to do it. No ideas and no money. 

I want to go out on a pontoon boat again, like I did last year when the Bat and I went with his parents to Lake Palestine.

I want to take off sometime and stay in a cabin with the Bat. Somewhere slightly secluded, preferably in a place with cold weather. 

I'm happy with my list of wants because they are, for the most part, obtainable and they are things that make me happy to think about. They also remind me of how much I enjoy life, even the small, stupid stuff. 

Monday, August 31, 2015

Weekend of Chill

Freaky Fast Freak Out
I'm a fairly patient person in most aspects of my life but when it comes to Jimmy John's, I'm a complete dick. Well, OK, not a complete dick but that's only because it isn't my fault. If they hadn't delivered my delicious sandwiches so quickly in the past, I wouldn't hold them to such an incredibly high standard and get all judgy when they don't get to me within ten minutes.

No need to talk about the fact that I ordered at 12:28 PM on a Friday. That had nothing to do with it.

Whenever I order I do so online and I get really paranoid about the tip. A friend of mine from my former office told me it was 100% legit OK to tip delivery people $1 because all they are doing is bringing you food that someone else made. I felt like that was kind of shitty because having someone deliver food to me saves my fat ass the trouble of having to go out into the world to get my own damned sandwich, possibly having to park way the fuck in the back of the parking lot upon my return. But before long, the fat, lazy part of me decided that yeah, a buck was fine for some dude just driving my sandwich around. But I wonder, every single fucking time, if the fact that I'm only giving the person a dollar means the person isn't going to be in too big of a hurry to deliver my goods. It's not a huge deal or anything but it is more anxiety than any sensible person should feel when placing an order for Jimmy John's.

But damn it, it had already been 20 minutes and I wanted my fucking sandwich, chips, and chocolate chip chunk cookie. And they'd better follow the delivery instructions for once. I always ask that they go to reception and ask for me so I can come down and know that this delivery is for me but they tend to call my cell phone and then I have to wander around and just hope that this delivery guy is here for me and not one of the 1,000 other employees who regularly order from them. See? That's why I give those fucker's a dollar.

I'm certain it is the hunger that has caused me to be so passionate about this.

Relaxing on the Farm For Once
The Bat's mom is hiring someone to complete the drywall work down on the farm so that it can be taken care of quickly as his dad is down there now. There is still plenty to do but for once, we didn't really do anything. We looked at the horses (which terrify me for some reason) and listened to the pigs make noise but really, it was a very chill weekend. There was a three hour trip with me, the Bat, and his mother, which left me shell shocked. We were in a truck so I was in the middle and we went to three stores for supplies. Dear lord. Those two are very alike in their personality and speech and having to deal with them both, on my own, for that length of time was draining.They have a tendency to sound angry or antagonistic when that isn't how I think they feel and they are both incredibly stubborn. Never again will I say "sure" when asked if I want to go with those two anywhere. But I like them both on their own or in crowds. 

Next week the place is going to be packed. The Bat's middle brother, his girlfriend, and their six kids (each adult has three a piece) will be there along with the usual suspects. The Bat suggested we clean out the shop and throw some tents and air mattresses in there so that the kids can keep the light on and have a bathroom and have a giant sleepover. Hopefully this will please the kiddos because there are only three bedrooms so it will be close quarters otherwise. The idea at first was that the Bat and I would bring a tent and camp outside to give up where we usually sleep but then he got inspired. 

I do not envy either the Bat's brother or the brother's girlfriend for the trip they'll be making up from San Antonio. All in one car. 

While the children are playing with the horses and pigs and hopefully running around to tire themselves out, I'll be helping to build a chicken coop. Again, there is still a lot that needs to be done inside the house but the Bat's mother seems intent on getting the animals all set up. It should be an interesting time. 

Friday, August 28, 2015

A Life of Days and Not Living in the Future

Is this blog magic? I posted about my breakup with the Bat and my regrets and how I was pretty sure that was the end but he was more than willing to give me another chance. I don't think I'll ever have hundreds of millions of dollars and that makes me really sad (c'mon magic blog woo, do your thing). 

It hit me when he was so willing to take me back that he does love me and I need to stop being stupid and just allow myself to feel it. I doubt what I was feeling and thinking was all that uncommon for someone who has been through a divorce and felt their hearts shatter. It's cliche but true - it is really scary to trust in things like love and happiness when you've felt the loss of love and happiness before. We fear going through the sads and the hurts so much that it seems better, safer, to keep a distance from others, even if we are in romantic relationships. If I don't let you get too close, you can't hurt me that bad. 

Life is short. I'm almost 35 so I'm almost middle aged (I've decided I'm going to live until at least 80). And lately I've realized that I really like life. I don't enjoy my commute or the way my legs hurt from sitting at work all day, but I like laying on my sofa, reading my Kindle, with Bubbles laying right next to me so I can pet her. I like cleaning my apartment and feeling accomplished when it is super tidy and inviting (well, I do like that but apparently not enough time to do it on the regular). I love going to the country and, after a hard day of working, sitting around drinking beer and talking. I love that I can go to the sushi bar and most likely be greeted by a bar tender who won't even ask what I want because they already know. These are small things but small things are what make up a life and I really like mine. 

To fully embrace life, however, one must take risks. As the saying goes, no risk no reward. So yes, the Bat may hurt me one day. Maybe he'll suddenly find that he is attracted to someone else or that he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. That would be awful and I certainly do not want to go through that but I don't live in the future or in a world of what-may-happen-one-day. Not anymore. I live in my life in each day and I know that on this day, the Bat loves me and looks forward to snuggling with me tonight. 

I'm sure he is sick of hearing about all the feels I have about not being a millionaire one hundred times over though. It's never going to happen is it? Do your stuff blog woo, do your stuff.

I googled 'woo' and this was one of the images that came back. I just thought, well, OK then.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Commitment Phobic

I never would have imagined it but I've evidently become somewhat phobic of commitment. I broke up with the Bat (again). He didn't do anything wrong and I'm not upset with him. I just feel like something is missing and that he and I were both wasting time by being together. In retrospect, I regret my decision, especially as it's pretty final. I like commitment. I'm good at commitment. I never really understood what commitment-phobic meant before and assumed it was an excuse for cheating. Nope. Well, it isn't for me. For me it is really ridiculous. I'm afraid of being the Bat's girlfriend because I'm afraid I'll get hurt or he'll break up with me.

image found at www.mountainfm.com


I know, it makes zero sense but that's what it feels like. I feel like I'm never going to have the type of relationship I want with him because I won't let myself. He says he loves me and I hear it and I believe him but I refuse to feel it. I don't want to get hurt again so I figured I'd just be alone and unhappy. Because we all know I make really great decisions. 

The worst part is that he has worked really, really hard and has made some major changes, which is difficult for anyone over the age of five. It pisses me off that he worked that hard just for me to be a pain in the ass and it pisses me off that someone else will benefit from it because I peaced out one too many times.

One of the worst things is feeling that I figured out what my issue is but only after it's too late. Because the Bat previously did things that really hurt me, I've been stigmatizing myself for having ever given him a second chance. Because I'm the type of person who never understood why a man or woman would take back someone who cheated on them, lied to them, or hurt them in some manner. I would always shake my head and think "s/he'll just do it again you idiot" without understanding that I know diddly squat about other peoples' lives. So I've been treating myself like that and feeling ashamed of myself for having allowed someone to hurt me only to give him another chance.

But the Bat isn't a cheater by nature. And, as I said, he worked very hard to make a few changes in himself, all for the better. My conflicted emotions led me to lash out at him at times because yes, he did hurt me. But I think I got through that. I think my lashing out was a defensive reflex triggered by my own feelings of what are you doing, dummy? He's a bad guy! Only idiots go back to bad guys! 

And I regret it. I regret a lot of things. And I really, really need to learn to think through everything before I make a decision because I just let go of some happiness all because I was judging myself through a fucked up filter.

So, you know, good times in the life of Simply just now. Hopefully I'll get over it soon.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Best Laid (lame) Plans

I had some pretty sweet plans for this weekend. I was going to catch up on all my chores like taking out the garbage, getting the mail, doing laundry, and vacuuming. I was then going to just kick back and relax, chill in my tub with an adult beverage or two, and read, watch movies, and hang out with my cat. I did catch up on all the chores I listed but I did them today, Sunday, without a lot of the relaxation.

See, I wasn't going to go to the country this weekend. I tell myself towards the end of each week that this is the weekend I'm going to stay home and decompress and just fucking relax because I'm so burned out. This weekend I am not going to spend my time laboring and getting dirty and gross and sore. And this week, I really, really, really meant it. But then HK decided she wasn't going to go and I felt like I'd be letting the Bat down since he'd then be down two adults and so I went.

Among other things,I helped put up 500 feet of fencing so that his parents can bring two horses down. Apparently fencing is a gift I have because I got damned good at it pretty quickly but it is still hard work, especially in the burning hot Texas sun with a real feel temperature of 102. I think we did three of the five hundred today and it wiped me the fuck out. But chores were left so as soon as I got home, I took out the trash, got my mail, threw in a load of laundry, and put some fried clams in the oven. I eventually vacuumed, folded laundry, and put in a second load.

I'm exhausted. Wiped out. All I want to do is get a massage and sleep for 12 hours but, sadly, I have to pay bills and fold more laundry and put new sheets on my bed and prepare for work tomorrow. I pretty much just work for the most part. 40 hours in the office and then Friday evening through Sunday early afternoon, labor down on the farm.

Maybe this upcoming weekend I'll actually do it and just stay home and nap like a motherfucker. 

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Throw Away Day

Today was such a throw away day. It started off well with my getting up a bit earlier than usual so that I could hopefully beat traffic. The traffic report itself was optimistic! But as I was driving out of my neighborhood,  realized I'd left my lunch at home. I almost turned around but then thought I'd rather beat traffic.

Some plan. I don't know what happened but I ended up delayed for some reason and didn't get to work early as I'd planned. So no getting to work early and no lunch. Then I spent most of the day doing nothing because I needed someone to complete something before I could move ahead with one project and I needed about three answers from my boss - who is in another state at the moment - before I could move on with the next. I felt like I looked fat and I was grumpy. I even went out during my late ass lunch hour to get gas to avoid having to get it on the way home and noticed that it was stupidly hot outside. I went at lunch to prevent any issues on my way home and even though I didn't leave right on the dot, I got the traffic report as soon as I got in the car! There were no accidents on my route! Yay!

Only there must have been something near the beginning because traffic sucked. Then, just to be special, there was a broken down U-haul or some shit on the off ramp I take, which means it took me longer to get home. I know, I know, someone clean the wounds from where I was pinned up to the cross.

It was just a stupid day where I started out all happy and optimistic and the world was all
I got some stuff accomplished at home though. I cooked an actual meal and cleaned my kitchen and... well, that's about it. But I wasn't positive I'd clean my kitchen or sweep the floor. Oh, and I printed out a sign that I taped to my door asking if I remembered to clean the litter box and did I have x y and z. And my back started hurting like an hour ago but my cat is laying in the cutest position and clearly I'm grasping at straws to remain positive.

If nothing else, lunch is already made for tomorrow. 

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Country Life and Cat Carriers

As you undoubtedly know if you subscribe to my newsletter (don't have one) or watch my regular Youtube videos (don't do that ether), I spend my weekends laboring down in the country on the Bat's parents' retirement property. I had a full weekend off when we went to visit my family but worked the following Saturday and went back for more labor camp this weekend. I spent most of my time using a hammer and pry bar to take down the sheet rock on one side of the kitchen and removing trim around doorways. I've gotten really good at taking down walls, especially when I don't feel like doing it anymore because I just swing the hammer over and over again like I'm mad and tear that shit out.

I'm pretty sure I've developed a bicep muscle on my right arm.

This weekend was slightly different because I brought Bubbles with me. As soon as I touched her carrier she bolted into my bedroom to hide under my bed (note to self: shut all doors before doing that again). I had to lift off the mattress and box spring to let her now that wouldn't work, and eventually corralled her into her carrier. Got my shit, got the cat, got in the car, and drove to the Bat's house (during the transport I was pulled over and got my first ever speeding ticket. Did you know that they ask for your phone number and your place of work? I was also asked what brought me to Rowlett since my driver's license has my Dallas address on there but I as thinking 'dude, I'm like five miles from my house.' The officer was super nice and showed me what I needed to do when I asked him since I've never been in this situation before. When we were done, I stuck my hand out of the window to shake his hand and thank him for his service. I think he was nice because I was nice and didn't give him any problems. No idea what he thought about my thanking him for his service when he just basically wrote me a bill for hundreds of dollars though)>

But I digress. Bubbles did OK at the farmhouse. The dogs are kept outside and the bigger of the pigs doesn't seem interested in coming into the house very much even though she's allowed to. The Bat's mother told me that she saw Bubbles and the smaller pig nose to nose, just checking one another out, and then parting ways as if to say "oh, this is new. What are you. Sniff, sniff. OK, cool. Take it easy." But Monkey has a little kitten that she brought back from Missouri and Bubbles is not a fan. The kitten wants to play and stalk and Bubbles wants to be left alone so she just growls and hisses at the little one. But it would appear that Bubbles understands that she is much larger than Daisy (the name Monkey gave the kitten) because she doesn't do anything to fight it (and based on what she did to the Bat's hand as he tried to get her out from under the sink this morning, she isn't necessarily shy about clawing your ass).

My major concern was really just that she eat her food. I know she'll get used to the place but I want to make sure she eats her food rather than the kitten's (because Bubbles is on that canned food diet) and I don't want Daisy eating my Fancy Feast. I do think Bubs will be fine so I'm not that worried, but it is a pain in the ass taking her. On the drive down she was pretty quiet, as she was on the drive back. But after I'd gotten her into *my* car to head home, she shit at one point. You have to understand that she was wary in this new house and had this hyper kitten around. I don't think she got to use the litter box and she may have shied away from it because no one seemed to think it needed to be cleaned out (I will take care of that next time). So I don't blame her at all and just felt bad for her, especially as she had to lay in her carrier with it until we got home. And cat shit stinks really, really bad. I'm pretty sure the word pungent exists because of cat shit. But I got her home, let her out, and she's chilling in my closet.

Because I feel bad about her being in a little cage on a car trip and about the shitting incident, I ran to a pet store to upgrade her carrier.
Is she going to like it or want to get into it? No. But at least she'll have more room and should she shit, she can be further away from it. If you zoom in on the picture, you will see a banana guilt toy in the bottom left hand corner of the new carrier. Bubbles seems to like it, which makes me happy since she isn't always into the toys I buy her out of guilt. I'm keeping the smaller carrier because it will be fine for trips to the vet and/or I'm sure someone in my life will need to borrow it at some point, but I'd like Bubs to have more room when we travel.

One major con? Bubbles on her own, let alone in her old carrier or her new one, is heavy as fucking hell. But I'm insane about my pets so what can I do? 

Monday, August 10, 2015

Simply a Summer Vacation - A poorly written post about my trip

One would think that a Monday after a full week off would be brutally busy but man, today was long as hell because I had dick all to do at work. Tomorrow will be better because certain processes will have run but today was pretty much just me looking at stuff on the internet. Know what I realized? If someone pulled all the data of my internet usage off of my work laptop, they would find a lot of stuff about unsolved murders and disappearances. When I get bored, I Google ‘mysteries’ and inevitably find some interesting disappearance or murder and end up in a rabbit hole. That’s all fine and well and whatevs, go ahead and look at my browser searches on my phone, but on my work laptop? Not so fine and dandy. I don’t really know why I didn’t think to write a blog post during the day since I had the time, but I didn’t. Well, I did but I didn’t feel like it. I guess I figured if I wasn’t going to use my brain for work, there was really no purpose in using it at work. Not that this is going to be highly intellectual or anything.

So, my summer vacation of 2015! The Bat and I left early on Saturday morning and drove about 12 ½ hours, making it to Gallup, New Mexico. We stayed at a Days Inn and, after dinner, mixed some Jack and Coke and headed to the pool. The pool, itself, was kind of gross because it was a weird green color and really cloudy. The hot tub was out of order but it was clear and had hot water so we settled in there for a bit before the Bat went into the pool. I dipped my foot in but the water felt too cold for this delicate flower and I wanted no part of it. That didn’t phase the Bat, however, as he pulled me in and laughed at my distress. Tell you what though, the hot tub felt even better after that.

Because we only had 2 ½ hours more to drive the next day and weren’t really expected in Flagstaff until 3, we paid $10 to drive through the Petrified Forest, featuring the Painted Desert. I love the Painted Desert and have probably seen it at least three times, so that was fun. The petrified wood was underwhelming in my opinion, but I suppose I would have been more interested if I’d touched it. Or, you know, if we’d taken our time through it. Unfortunately, an emergent call of Nature struck the Bat so we had to haul ass for the last 10 miles (at 35 mph) in order to get him and his belly to a bathroom. I still giggle about it because the drive was hilarious and then he was in the men’s room forever. He actually said he felt bad for the other guys, not because it smelled, but because it was loud and he had to flush multiple times. Never have I been so turned on.

Did you know that Flagstaff is amazing weather wise? The highs were in the upper seventies, which were the lows back in Texas, and it was just beautiful. I got to see my brother, Teacher, and his family for the first time in four years, and met my second niece for the first time. That was pretty awesome and I enjoyed talking to my big brother for a bit since our annual Skypes are usually overridden by my older niece shouting that she loves me and attention seeking children in general. It was great seeing my sister in law as well, and I think she liked having me there to talk to instead of just being stuck with her little family and my mom. Not that my mom isn’t awesome, but I was a novelty.

Everyone kept suggesting that the Bat and I go do things like see the Grand Canyon or other excursions but honestly, we work all week and then go to the country and spend our weekends doing manual labor so doing absolutely nothing was just perfect. I’d downloaded a book at the Bat’s recommendation (he likes Sci Fi and Fantasy, genres I neglect, so I thought I’d give it a try) and he and I spent hours reading whilst sitting in swinging chairs on the porch. I think everyone spent most of the time outside because the weather was so beautiful. Well, we’d go inside or to a restaurant for one of our numerous feeding sessions. Dear lord did we eat a LOT on this trip!

On Wednesday, we checked out (we did one of those AirBnB things) and drove down to Phoenix where it was center of the sun hot. The Bat and I stayed with my mother’s neighbors since that is where she is presently living, and it was perfect because they have a pool. When the Bat wasn’t doing plumbing work at my mom’s house or the neighbor’s, we sat in the pool and read and swam and felt like royalty. Sure, the real feel was 116 degrees but the water’s temperature was perfect and when we first got out, the dry heat would wick off all the moisture and itw ould feel cool, like we were back in Flagstaff.

We were in Phoenix briefly because we had to get back. Most of the time was spent in the pool, eating at restaurants, and putting crap in my car. My mom wanted to give me some items from my childhood and she and my cousin both gave me useful items like mixing bowls and cookware. I have a feeling that any time I show up with a car, I will be leaving with it loaded. We set out for Texas Friday morning and landed at the farm on Saturday afternoon because Monkey was there and the Bat, obviously, really missed her. We actually ended up working a lot and so I’m all beat up and in pain but it was a nice transition to being back to the real world and I was very pleasantly surprised to find that Monkey likes me again. I actually said something to her like “I’m glad you’ve decided you like me again” and she said “yeah, I wanted to apologize about that”. But I didn’t press it because I was just happy to have her back.

And so now we are home and last night I stayed at the Bat’s and we creaked and moaned like old people whenever we moved. Today, after work, I had to go back to his neck of the woods to pick up Bubbles, who I’d boarded, and that was awesome because I’d missed the stinker. The vet sent me pictures of her every day but I was extremely happy to have her back home with me. Even if it did cost a limb to board her for so many days. I’m happy to have her home and hope she’s happy to be here. Why she wouldn’t be I don’t know since I spoil her.

And that’s that. I know it is a piss poor essay on my vacation but at least I actually tried for once.